Trafford Publishing: Say What You Mean Mean What You Say: Surefire Ways To Get What You Want

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Say What You Mean Mean What You Say: Surefire Ways To Get What You Want

by Cheryl Cran

137 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #01-0425; ISBN 1-55369-023-0; US$19.95, C$24.95, EUR16.22, £11.24

Strategies to communicate effectively for better relationships at work or at home.

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about the book      about the author      sample excerpts or Table of Contents      catalogue info

About the Book

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say - Surefire Ways to Get The Results You Want is a book on how to communicate with conscious awareness. Have you ever had a conversation and felt that you were coming across clearly and understandably and yet the other person looks completely confused and frustrated? This book provides methods to prevent ever being misunderstood again!
    When we communicate consciously and with outcome based principles we can create incredible results with others. This book provides ways to achieve results through the words we choose, the knowledge of the communication cycle, preventing conflict through proactive awareness and much more.
    Most of us have based our communication on habit and have not intellectualized the importance of having a plan before we open our mouths.
    Words are powerful and this book goes into the many benefits of becoming a conscious communicator such as improved relationships, increased job satisfaction, happier customers, productive teams and increased morale.
    Through assertive techniques and specific examples of words that create positive impressions and words that create negative perceptions this book brings the reader to awareness and through awareness positive change in their communication approach. This book is an easy read and an excellent reference tool for all those wanting to create greater satisfaction in their work and personal relationships.

About the Author

    International speaker, author and consultant Cheryl Cran is in high demand for her creative, energetic and insightful presentations. Recognized as a YWCA Woman of Distinction 2001, named by Business In Vancouver as on of Vancouver's most requested speakers and voted as one of the top 1% of speakers in North America by an international seminar company.
Profiled by BC Business Magazine in september 2000, Cheryl was interviewed as a speaker known for her courage, flexibility and confidence when presenting to groups. Regularly quoted in Selling Power magazine Cheryl is called "The Communication Guru".
Since 1994 Cheryl has reached over 1000 groups worldwide, over 130 audiences a year are stimulated to a personal and professional success by her dynamic presentation style, sprinkled with humor, loaded with empowerment strategies and thought provoking substance.
Cheryl has also made a difference through her audio CD program "Traits of Highly Effective Communicators" and the principles from her book Say What You Mean Mean What You Say Surefire Ways to Get What You Want.
    Cheryl knows the challenges facing individuals and corporations today with over fifteen years in the corporate sector. After an extremely successful management career Cheryl took a risk and left the corporate world to start her own business. A successful entrepreneur Cheryl owns a thriving speaking and consulting practice and is the co-owner of a successful service business. As a woman entrepreneur Cheryl believes true success is measured by family success and is proud to be married to her husband of seventeen years Reg, and of her thirteen year old daughter Courtney and her two step sons Tyler and Jordan.
    Cheryl is a member of the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers and the International Federation of Speakers as well as the Women's Enterprise Society. She is the Chair of the annual Emerald Eve Gala Fundraiser for the B.C. Schizophrenia Society.

Sample Excerpts or Table of Contents
Chapter one
Saying What We Mean and Why It's a Challenge
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them
Adlai Stevenson

    We all communicate with others all the time in our homes, in our workplaces, in the groups we belong to and in the community. No matter how well we think we understand each other, communication is hard. Think, for example, how often we hear things like, "She doesn't get it", or "He didn't hear what I meant to say".
    Communication can be a powerfully positive tool in a person's skillset. Brian Tracy, author of the book Psychology of Achievement, says that 15% of our success in today's world will come from our technical knowledge and 85% of our success will be directly attributed to our people skills. The words we use and how we use them often determine the success or failure of our interactions. And many of us are frustrated by our interactions with others. Communicating clearly is a challenge.
    Research psychologists have found that the average one-year- old child has a three-word vocabulary. By 15 months children can speak 19 words. At two years of age, most youngsters possess a working knowledge of 272 words. Their vocabulary catapults to 896 words by age three, 1,540 by age four and 2,072 words by age five. By age six the average child can communicate with 2,562 words.
    Word accumulation continues as we age and yet effective use of words does not necessarily follow. Although the average adult speaks at a rate of 125 to 200 words per minute and uses up to 18,000 words per day, this does not mean messages have been clearly relayed.
    Miscommunication can cause misunderstandings that potentially lead to irreparable conflicts. It brings to mind a seminar I was conducting for an international video game manufacturing company. We had just uncovered some communication barriers within the team such as unclear communication, misunderstandings between departments and lack of face-to-face interaction. Sitting around the board-room table we were discussing the importance of open communication in the interview process as a way to avoid conflict after hiring had occurred. Tony the warehouse manager piped up excitedly, "Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Take Tom here he was a mistake." The entire room went silent and looked at Tony. Suddenly he realized his choice of words had resulted in a misunderstanding and said, "What I meant to say was that when I hired Tom I made the mistake of not clarifying my complete expectations." Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief, including Tom, who sighed the loudest. This was a prime example of choosing words that could be open to misinterpretation and thus damaging a relationship. Communication mishaps like this happen many times a day among us and cause many conflicts and hard feelings. To say what we mean and mean what we say we have to fully understand the power of word selection and how the words we use can make all the difference between a wonderful exchange and an uncomfortable one.
    As children we used to say, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!" Words can connect, expand and build the hearts of others. They can also destroy, erode and collapse the spirit, or to quote Robert Fulghum, "Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts." The words we choose can hurt, create resentment and cause retaliation. Choosing words that build, support and deepen our connection with others requires a conscious effort of awareness and practice.
    Often we don't say what we mean because we have many variables going on at the same time. The supervisor described above was eager to share how he messed up to show his understanding of the concepts we were discussing. In his haste to communicate his understanding he didn't take the time to choose his phrases so the words would be understood and well-received by everyone. By rushing to speak without thinking the supervisor put himself in a situation of potential conflict.
    A challenge that many of us have is following old habits and familiar behaviors. Have you ever had the sort of conversation with someone where you could actually predict the outcome? You know the kind I mean: you start off saying what you have always said in the past, then they say what they have always said and then you jump in and say what you have said what seems like a million times before. This happens because we continue to use the same words over and over as well as the same methods of communicating. We do what we have always done out of habit so we always receive the same response from the other person, who is also behaving from habit. At the end you are frustrated, they are frustrated and nothing new has come out of it. This, by the way, is a definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results!
    In The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying there is a wonderful short story that illustrates our habitual nature and how it can contribute to our frustration.It goes like this:
Chapter One: I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
Chapter Two: I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
Chapter Three: I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I see it and I fall in.
Chapter Four: I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I see it and walk around it.
Chapter Five: I take another street!
If we were to translate the above story into a real-life scenario it might go like this:
Chapter One: I order my teenager to clean her room. She yells at me and ignores me.
Chapter Two: I order my teenager to clean her room. She yells at me and ignores me.
Chapter Three: I calmly ask my teenager to clean her room. She yells at me and ignores me.
Chapter Four: I ask my teenager to clean her room and let her know she cannot go out until she does. She yells at me and cleans her room.
Chapter Five: I sit down with my teenager, have a discussion about expected behavior and ask for her cooperation so she can have the privileges she wants.
    It is a challenge when communicating to break away from predictable behavior, move into conscious awareness of new approaches and word choices and notice the impact those new words will make. This is difficult to do. Most of us have developed our word usage based on a lifetime of habit. We react based on what we have always done. The difference between a conscious and unconscious communicator is that conscious communicators are aware of their communication behavior and of the words they use whereas unconscious communicators are oblivious to their behavior and its impact on others. Unconscious communicators can also be aware of using hurtful words but not care about the impact they make on others. A conscious communicator has a conscience and wants to develop positive interactions with others through positive word choices. The challenge is that our intent may not always match our actions and our lack of awareness can cause misunderstanding and communication breakdown.

Words have set whole nations in motion and upheaved the dry hard ground on which rests our social fabric. Give me the right word and the right accent and I will move the world.
Joseph Conrad

    There are many reasons why communicating with others can be a challenge. Some of those reasons are complex. One reason is our collective attitude or cultural conditioning (I call it 'groupthink'), which predisposes us to certain expectations and behaviors. 'Collective attitude' or 'groupthink' refers to the way we understand the world based on common experiences we share with a group or community. Groups can be those we are born into, like gender, race or national origin. It can also include groups we join. We can change our collective attitude by moving to a new place, by changing our economic status or by many different experiences. Our collective attitude is central to what we see and how our perspectives are shaped, how we make sense of what we see, and how we express ourselves. In other words, it is the lens through which we view our world and decide how to interact in it. By being aware of our collective attitudes we can ask ourselves how they are shaping our reactions, and try to see the world from others' points of view. We can also learn to develop greater tolerance of the differences between people, broaden our perspectives and deepen our cultural awareness.
    Another challenge is that we each have different communication styles; the way people communicate varies widely. One aspect of communication style is language usage. Words and phrases can mean different things: for example, the meaning of "yes" varies from "maybe, I'll consider it" to "definitely so" with many shades between. A further challenge can be different attitudes towards conflict. Some view conflict as a positive thing, while others view it as something to be avoided. A related challenge is that of different attitudes towards disclosure. For some people it is comfortable to be open about emotions, about the reasons behind a conflict or personal information. Others may consider personal disclosure too much information and not necessary.
Different ways of knowing may also be a communication challenge. Some people need facts, figures and details while others need the big picture, goals and relational information. There are many ways of knowing. We can find ourselves frustrated by only accessing our way of knowing and not accepting others.
These are just a few of the many reasons why we run into communication challenges. At the core of it, a conscious communicator has developed strong self-awareness and personal accountability, which allows him or her to bypass conditioned behaviors and move towards new actions to create new results.
As conscious communicators we want to break away from the patterns we have set with others. For example, if we know that bringing up a sensitive topic with our partner or co-worker has always resulted in defensive behavior previously, we can choose to use a new approach or "take a new street" to get new and different results. Perhaps this might be bringing up the topic in a new environment (taking them for coffee or going for a walk), or approachingthe topic from a new angle, such as using assertive language rather than aggressive language. In this book, we will focus first on building an awareness of our communication behaviors and how they contribute to our communication challenges. Part Two details ideas and solutions that will help us take another street with our communication. Part Three helps us understand other ways of knowing, and how to interact succesfully in different contexts.

Catalogue Information