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Tips for the Divorced Dad

by Elaine Walsh

110 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #02-0314; ISBN 1-55369-501-1; US$15.00, C$16.95, EUR12.50, £8.50

A quick guidebook of almost 100 pragmatic tips for divorced fathers to live by. A must-have for divorced dads learning to function as loving fathers in the post-divorce situation they find themselves in. A great gift to give yourself and/or any divorced dad.

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About the book      About the author      Sample excerpts      Catalogue info

About the Book With divorce being so prevalent just about everyone either needs this book and/or knows someone who needs it. It is the perfect gift book. The author is a mother who watched and learned as her daughter adjusted to her parents' divorce - in particular, as her daughter and ex-husband adjusted to their new relationship. This book is the collection of life lessons learned over six years. Knowledge that was gained both first-hand and through interviews with many other families in the midst of divorce. Because this knowledge has been documented and shared, fathers and children will benefit from what others have lived and learned.

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About the Author Elaine Walsh is the mother of a young lady whose parents divorced when she was six years old. Over the years Elaine has watched and learned first-hand as her child (and many others) experienced divorce. At her day job, Elaine is a director in the technology services unit of a global financial corporation. Elaine has been with that corporation since 1979, where before switching to IT (Information Technology), she wrote sales material. Elaine holds a bachelors degree in Marketing from Stonehill College, North Easton, Massachusetts (for whom she recruits), and has completed the Project Management Certification program from George Washington University's School of Business and Public Management. She resides in New Jersey with her husband and daughter. Elaine is a volunteer Exhibit Guide for the National Park Service on Ellis Island and a member of The International Women's Writing Guild (IWWG).

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Sample Excerpts or Table of Contents

Table of Contents:

On Focusing on Your Child
On Common Courtesy
On Special Days
On Being Responsible
On that Chip on Your Shoulder

Excerpts:

Tip #2: Still take your child out alone for dinner sometimes.

Have you ever told your child you are going to take him or her out for dinner, but then you showed up with a date and/or your new wife on your arm? Did you see that look of disappointment on the face of your child? It was probably because they thought they were going to have you all to themselves. Please make a point to let them have you all to themselves once in a while. It will mean a lot to them. They don't want to share you all the time.

Tip #13: The subject of child support should not be discussed with your child.

It is very dangerous to tell your child exactly how much money you are giving your ex-wife each month for child support. The child, upon hearing the amount, will place a monetary figure on their value. In this materialistic age, that is not something you want children to do. It might hurt their self esteem if they start comparing "their worth" with other children of divorce. It is okay that they are aware that you contribute to their expenses, but they should not know the amount.

I've always been forthright about everything in my life, but now that what I do affects another person, particularly a child, I don't think I should be opening my big mouth. - Camryn Manheim, InStyle 5/01

Tip #15: Know your child's friends and let them know you.

Make such frequent and non-shallow visits into your child's life so that all of his/her friends know who you are. We've all been to graduation ceremonies or school plays when the kids are all whispering about someone's Dad who "showed up". Try not to be that Dad whose appearances are so rare that the kids are straining their necks to see what you look like. Try not to be the Dad who has to be introduced because no one truly knows who he is. Be the Dad that can sit at that graduation ceremony or that school play and know the names of each and every kid in your child's class.

Tip #37: See your child on Father's Day.

See your child on Father's Day even if it is only for 10 minutes. It can be the most depressing day of the year for a child if their father is not with them. One girls' father had volunteered to work at his church picnic one Sunday, that just happened to be Father's Day. He told his daughter that the Bishop was coming to the picnic, so it was important that he stay at the picnic and work all day. So all day long this little girl felt unimportant. All day long every song on the radio, every advertisement on the radio and television, and every friend that could not play with her (because they were with their own father) reminded her that she was unimportant to her Daddy and it hurt her very deeply.

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much. - Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis

Tip #40: Always spend your birthday with your child.

The first present you should want on your birthday is to spend time with your children, and your children want to be with you on your birthday. They want to give you the card they made. They want to sing happy birthday to you. They want to watch you open the present they bought you or made for you.

Tip #50: See your child.

Your divorce decree probably states how often you can see your child, but sadly, it can't make you see your child that often. As someone once told me, "You can make someone be a father". You should be trying to spend more time with your child, not avoiding the honor and responsibility.

Life is short.
Depletion is in time.
God I do exhort,
Let me love what is mine.
- Hon. Joseph F. Walsh

One of the most important things in life is showing up. I'm blown away by your ability to show up. - HARD BALL

Tip #54: Have real food in your house.

To a child, real food is: milk, bread, eggs, peanut butter, pasta, hamburgers, cheese, and crackers. Lots of milk. If you are expecting your child at your house, make sure that you have these items on the premises ahead of time. When you arrive home at 10 PM with a tired and hungry child, that you can not leave alone in the house, the last thing you want is to be out of milk.

Witness the fact that in the Lord's Prayer the first petition is for daily bread. No one can worship God or love his neighbor on an empty stomach. - Woodrow Wilson

Tip #82: Keep talking about the good days that were had by the family prior to your divorce.

There must have been some good days. Share those stories of when your child, your ex-wife and you did have some laughs. Don't let your child think that their life did not exist prior to the divorce. Don't think that by not mentioning those days you can block them out. They did exist and some of them were loving and fun. Talk about some of those early memories with them. Tell the child stories of when they were small. Tell them about the first time you saw them, or the first time you were left alone with them, or the first time you went anywhere together. Give your child their history.

Your mother and father have great memories of a beautiful little girl who used to come into our room early in the morning and slip into our bed between us. This is just one of the many memories we treasure. - Ronald Reagan in a letter to Patti Davis, Ladies Home Journal, 9/01

Tip #90: Arrange for the mother of your child to get regular breaks throughout the year, and at least one extended break.

Arrangements need to be made to provide the mother with some time away from the children. She needs some time for relaxation, and real relaxation only occurs after a few days away from the children. Hopefully you're able to spend a couple of weekends a month with your child, and 1-2 (or more) longer periods with them. I am sure you like to take an occasional vacation without the kids, so please make sure that your ex-wife gets to have one too. She'll return totally relaxed and ready to care for your children. Besides, you'll get to know your children in additional and deeper ways while they are in your care for an extended period. don't look at it as giving your ex-wife a vacation, look at it as giving yourself a chance to get to know your kids better and giving them a better home life.

Tip #92: Rise to the occasion.

the changes that come with divorce are difficult for everyone involved. Remember that your child is growing up very quickly, and he/she will remember with much clarity how you conducted yourself during these difficult times of divorce. Rise to the occasion!

Sometimes telling people to be themselves, is the worst advice you can give them. - Mark Twain

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Catalogue Information

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