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Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

by Patricia A. Meier

132 pages; ; catalogue #02-0440; ISBN 1-55369-627-1; US$16.00, C$18.50, EUR13.00, £9.50

This is the story of an ordinary middle class family dealing with the knowledge that one child is a homosexual. The book discusses issues relating to homosexuality including intolerance, religious issues, civil rights and advocacy issues of the homosexual community to other groups such as a women and blacks.

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about the book      about the author      sample excerpts or Table of Contents      catalogue info

About the Book Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are is the story of an ordinary, middle class family with three children, of which two are straight and one is a lesbian. The story gives a brief background of both parents, the childhood experiences of the three children and the description of the coming out of the lesbian daughter. It describes the experiences of the parents in coping with the issue of having a homosexual child and compares the discrimination of the homosexual community with the descriminatory issues toward blacks and women in general. The book discusses the portions of the Bible that lead many in the religious community to condemn homosexuality. The book concludes with urging acceptance and tolerance toward those with alternative sexual orientations and working for advocacy to assure equal civil rights for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons.

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About the Author "This is my first book and I was compelled to respond to all the misinformation, literature, pamphlets, etc. received from various sources. I was born in Ohio and attended an integrated school, but moved to Florida in 1949 where all schools, as well as other facilities, were segregated. I see a strong correlation between the civil rights struggle of the blacks and women and the issues of rights for homosexuals. As a parent of three children, I want to share our family experiences and the fact that my lesbian daughter shared the same loving experiences as my two straight children. She is very intelligent, well adjusted, and excels in her professional life, as do the other two children. The only difference is her sexual orientation." - Patricia Meier, author of Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

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Excerpts

INTRODUCTION

The day my daughter, Krystal, came out, revealed that she was a lesbian, I felt a great sense of relief. For several months my 26-year-old daughter had grown thinner and thinner until her normally lean body had become emaciated. Since I did not see her daily, the changes were quite evident each time a family occasion brought us together. She only picked at her food during those family gatherings, saying she did not feel like eating. Offers to provide different foods to tempt her appetite were declined. My typical mother's urgings *to eat* were not heeded and I became more and more worried. She seemed to be so lethargic and lifeless compared with her usual energetic demeanor. I made suggestions to seek medical help and investigate the reasons for the feelings of malaise and weight loss. Several weeks passed and I continued to feel uneasy.

Finally Krys called me on the phone and asked to come over to talk to me. I had a real sense of dread over what was about to be revealed. I anticipated a serious, possibly life-threatening illness. The message she delivered was not about a physical illness but was about the need to be open about her sexual orientation and the problems she was having with a roommate. I was overcome with relief. She was not stricken with a fatal disease. She was not in danger of dying. The issue of homosexuality I could deal with. It seemed much less consequential than what had been anticipated.

However, it was not inconsequential. The time has come for me to come out also and to share our story. Since that day, twelve years ago, our family has been dealing with the fact that a family member has a nontraditional sexual orientation. Our family, in almost all ways, is a very normal family. And, our lesbian daughter is very normal in all ways except for the issue of sexual attraction to members of the female sex.

OUT OF THE CLOSET

Writing this is very hard. The early childhood days with many pleasant memories were easy to remember and to describe. Thinking about this part of our lives is still painful in spite of the passage of time. An oyster takes in a grain of sand and coats it with many layers of nacre to protect itself from the rough edges, creating a beautiful pearl. To remember and describe these events, I am peeling away layers of insulation and I am finding that the grain of sand underneath still has very rough and sharp edges.

I was becoming increasingly worried about Krystal's health. It had been about two years since she had moved into her own condo. I did not see her as often as before since our new home was further away than the previous one. But each time I saw her, she seemed too thin. There had been a disturbing episode when Krys's roommate took her to the emergency room at a local hospital. She had been ill with severe bouts of diarrhea. As a result, she had become very dehydrated and was extremely weak. After two bags of IV fluids, the doctors pronounced her fit enough to continue recovery at home with some additional prescribed medication.

Each time I saw her I was urging her to eat and trying to fix things I thought would tempt her appetite. I was concerned that she was working too hard. She still was going to college to complete the courses necessary for her credential and conducting the summer tennis clinic for the girls on her tennis team. On top of this she had a full teaching load and was always very diligent about her lesson plans and keeping up with grading student papers.

We had a family gathering in August to celebrate Ed's birthday. Krys came alone and when she arrived, she looked very tired and thinner than ever. She had the gauntness I associated with the starving people of Ethiopia. Even so, she barely ate anything and I was really alarmed. I was worried about her driving home alone. I talked to her about what she was or was not eating, how she was feeling, was she taking vitamins, etc. She insisted she was all right. I did not want to annoy her but I was not convinced. A few days later she called, asking to come over to see us. She wanted to see me and asked me to meet her at the playground of a nearby school. Of course I agreed.

I was so worried I could hardly stand it. What was she going to tell me? Did she have a serious or even fatal illness? All sorts of things went through my mind. Why did she want to see me alone? I was filled with dread. I had a horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.for support. She was not eating, her ulcer was bothering her and she was feeling very ill.

Krys was with a friend from our old neighborhood when I arrived at the meeting place. She had been crying and looked very fatigued. Krys began to cry again as she told me she was a lesbian. She said she was feeling very alienated because of our not knowing but she hadn't wanted to tell us. She was afraid that we would reject her when we found out about her lifestyle but she was tired of pretending to cover it up. Krys told me she knew many people felt that homosexuality was a choice but she insisted it was not something she had chosen to be. She added that it really confounded and complicated her life, and that no one in their right mind would choose to be homosexual. She had not been serious about Jim but liked him and had dated him to cover up her real sexual identity. Her roommate, the former classmate from her high school, was her real lover. Now, they were breaking up. Her lover had found another person she liked better. Krys just could not deal with all of this turmoil in her life. She was left with no one to turn to for support She was not eating, her ulcer was bothering her and she was feeling very ill.

I was not a fool and had often wondered about her lack of serious interest in the opposite sex. I had hoped it was just that she was not really serious about Jim or any of the other fellows who had come around. I knew from my studies in psychology about the homosexual lifestyle and the theories about why some were or were not heterosexual. I had had my own policy of "don't ask, don't tell."

To be truthful, at that moment, this news did not seem as terrifying as my suppositions about the changes in eating and her apparent health. I was even feeling somewhat relieved and hugged her and assured her we loved her as she was. We would help her work through her lifestyle complications. I immediately hated her roommate for jilting her. Once she was sure of our support, Krys promised to take the medicine for her ulcer and to start eating a better diet. She asked me to tell her dad and Heather about this but said she intended to tell Ed and his wife herself. It did not occur to me to reject her or turn my back on her because of her confession.

Telling my husband was even more painful than hearing the news from Krys. I had shed tears during the meeting with Krys but in retelling the tale, I shed even more along with my husband. His first impulse was to blame himself for not being a good parent. I reminded him that we had three children and only one was homosexual and that she had been raised in the same loving environment as the others. We have been proud of the accomplishments of each of our children, and I reminded him of the many times we had reason to be proud of Krys. She had always been a loving child, considerate and congenial. She had excelled academically and in sports, and she had been creative in playing the violin and her artwork. She had been chosen as the top female athlete her senior year in high school, had finished college and immediately been employed, and was being a role model for the girls on her tennis team as well as an accomplished teacher. She had always participated in her athletic events in a very sportsmanlike way. She was still the same child we had known and loved for so many years. She needed our support to deal with circumstances that she couldn't overcome but it was not the fault of anything we had done or not done. We must support her as we always had.

Heather was home from school for the weekend and was working at a retail store. I called her and told her I was bringing lunch and would meet her at the store. We went to a nearby park for privacy and I told Heather what I had learned. She admitted that she was wondering about Krys, as we all had, regarding her sexual orientation. Heather was very supportive of Krys and remains so. She makes no bones about saying that her sister is a lesbian and it is okay with her and better be okay with everyone else. She is fiercely loyal.

CONTENTS

Part One
The Journey Begins

The Early Years
Married Life
The Ohio Years
California Bound

Part Two
A Difficult Road

Out of the Closet
Grief
Choice

Part Three
Redirection

Religion
Homosexuality and the Bible

Part Four
A New Horizon

Advocacy
Pride
Civil Rights

Part Five
The Journey Continues

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever you are
Support Groups
References

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Catalogue Information

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