Trafford Publishing: The Internet: Just When You Thought It Was Safe

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The Internet: Just When You Thought It Was Safe

by B. Bryan Patrick

97 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #02-0601; ISBN 1-55369-788-X; US$13.99, C$21.82, EUR14.20, £9.90

Humorous stories, jokes, adult jokes, and news articles of bizarre behavior. Many received via E.Mail, but many written by the author. Also, a short story by the author, a Vietnam Veteran, about a disabled Vietnam Veteran and his experiences with the people and the life of a US Postal Service worker.

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about the book about the author sample excerpts catalogue info

About the Book

Adult oriented book of humorous stories and bizarre jokes intended to offend most people. Weird and crazy "Top 10 -Top 20 -Top 25 Lists" and many "Lists of things you would NEVER hear a woman...or Man say". Most of the material was received by the Author, a High Tech Executive, via E.mail over the last 10 years, but many from everyday life. The author also includes a Short Story he wrote about a disabled (of sorts) Vietnam Veteran. The story of his disability and the exciting life of today's US Postal service workers. The story is totally fiction, as the author never worked in the Postal Service. Over the years the author collected over twenty-five 3.5" x 5" Diskettes full of the sickest, weirdest, grossest and funniest jokes, stories, lists and one liners every created. "There is something in this book to offend everyone!" claims the author. "This book contains samples of American humor in the 21st Century . Because one would be thrown in jail for printing some of the stuff 50 years ago!" Everything from 'Blonde jokes' to 'Little Johnny Jokes' to 'Letters from a redneck mom to her slow son', which begins "Dear Son, I am writing the letter slow 'cuz I know you can't read fast"...To a 'List of Computer Viruses....such as the 'O.J. Simpson Virus- You know it is guilty of trashing your hard drive, but you just can't prove it!'

About the Author

B. Bryan Patrick was a business executive for over 20 years, working with many of the "Fortune 100 Companies" Over the last 10 years, as the internet and e.mail became an essential tool for all high technology business executives and the best way to keep in touch with old friends, many jokes and humorous stories started finding their way into Bryan's e.mail box. Rather than forwarding them on to others like most people did. He copied them onto diskettes and saved them. He told anyone that sent him a joke or anything funny that "Someday I am going to write a book, and include your e.mail joke in the book". This usually resulted in a steady stream of jokes from that person. After about 10 years, Bryan had accumulated over twenty-five 3.5" x 5" diskettes full of jokes, funny stories, actual news articles of the weird and bizarre, and some of the best One-lines and "Top 10 - 20 - 25 Lists" in print today. After promising friends and co-workers he was going to publish a book of the best stuff he received via e.mail, being a man of his word, this book is Volume 1 of 2 volumes to be published. Volume 2 will be out as soon as enough copies of Volume 1 sells to make it economically feasible for the 2nd book to be published.
All of the stuff in Volume 1 comes from Engineers, Business Executives, Teachers, lawyers, etc. But, Bryan says, "the really sick stuff comes from guys I was in the services with. After 4 years in the military, and 13 months in Vietnam, a man learns to really appreciate the truly sick humor of America in the 21st century" And that is the essence of this book. It is a true example of American Humor today. Few societies would appreciate this kind of humor. Indeed, many societies would put you in jail for publishing some of this stuff! But that is what makes America GREAT. FREE SPEECH!
Watch for Bryan's fictional autobiography. About a young man that left home at 16 years old to assume the responsibilities of a US Marine and go to war. The story is based on true experiences, but as one starts re-telling the story of his life, the story usually ends up much more interesting than what it really was. Thus, the FICTIONAL autobiography.
It revolves around Bryan and many of his fellow former US Marines and Vietnam Veterans. They get together for a week once a year and travel into Mexico's wilderness and deserted beaches. Over the years they establish close friendships with a tribe of Seri Indians living on the east coast of the Sea of Cortez in the Mexican state of Sonora. One of the tribal leaders turns out to be a former US Marine they had served with at Camp Carroll and Dong Ha Combat base on the Cam Lo River just South of the DMZ in Vietnam by the nickname "Tambo". He was sent to a private school in the USA when he was 12 years old, and going against his fathers wishes, enlists in the US Marine Corp once he turned 17 in 1967.
One of the few topics the guys do NOT discuss is their experiences in Vietnam. But with the philosophical insight and historical expertise of war veterans they discuss and usually completely misinterpret the true meaning all of the major events of the 20th century. Over the years the bitterness of the Vietnam experience dissipates and is replaced by the sick and demented humor of the over the hill warriors. As an example, in discussing one of the icons of American Culture in 2002, Martha Stewart, They have this insight; "Do you know how you can really piss off Martha Stewart TWICE in one meeting?" Three guys respond in unison "No, How?" "Well, fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her new curtains" Things get really gross after that one as each guy tries to out do the other. As you can see by the example, it is a "MUST READ" for and true American literary fan.

Sample Excerpts

Excerpts from a Letter from a redneck mom to her slow son*
. . . . .We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the new address because the Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It has a washing machine. I'm not sure how it works though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and I have not seen the cloths since.
The weather is not bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time it lasted for 3 days, the second time it lasted for 4 days . . . .

The Thermos
A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The blond then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." She asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The "That's cool" . . . . .They share a laugh. Then the boss asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle." . . . . . . . .
JOCKULARITY VOCABULARY
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up, alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor.
The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."
CASTRATED OR CIRCUMCISED?
Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind ; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Arthur. "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror. "Shit! THAT'S the word!!!"
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners:
Entry #1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry #2:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry #3:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

PINK DICK
A woman in a northeast Pennsylvania art gallery is staring at an exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch". It depicts three very naked black men sitting on a park bench with their penises in plain view. But while all the men are black, the one in the middle has a pink penis.
"Excuse me," the woman says to the exhibit's curator. "I am curious about this painting of three African-Americans. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," says the curator. "These men are not African-American; they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went 'home for lunch."

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