Trafford Publishing: Who's Really Driving Your Bus

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Who's Really Driving Your Bus

by James O. Henman Ph.D

244 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #02-1318; ISBN 1-55395-602-8; US$22.50, C$24.95, EUR18.50, £13.00

Who has REALLY been driving your emotional bus during the most stressful times of your life? Dr. Henman helps you gain the skills and tools necessary for healthy growth and change, offering to join you in a Therapeutic Coaching relationship through the book. He presents a "No-Fault" approach to change that allows you to deepen your core esteem and spirituality.

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About the Book

From the first page on, readers learn that they do not have to struggle with emotional and addictive problems alone- whether the problems are related to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety/panic problems, relationship difficulties, or the gamut of addictive problems. You can learn to recognize who is really driving your emotional bus in the most difficult "traffic" areas of your life. Dr. Henman invites you to sit across from him as if you were actually in a Therapeutic Coaching session. It is an intimate experience rather than an intellectual exercise, as you are encouraged to reflect deeply on Nuggets of Wisdom about the process of change.
He has spent the past 30 years in his psychology practice successfully coaching thousands of clients to make desired changes, while helping them build healthy self-esteem and connect with their core spirituality. You can walk with him through key roadblocks that commonly prevent growth, and learn how to relax into making healthy changes in the present, by approaching life with "No-Fault Learning". You can learn how to recognize and change faulty Perceptual Filters that rob you of healthy power and awareness. You can gain the tools and skills necessary to empower your own Inner Coach, as you shift from survival mode into living consciously.
With the help of a steering committee of recovering individuals, Dr. Henamn wrote Changing Attitudes in Recovery- A Handbook On Esteem (CAIR) and founded free CAIR Support Groups in 1990. The CAIR Handbook provided the format and structure, which allowed people from a variety of different problem backgrounds to come together and develop healthy self-esteem. The CAIR Handbook supplied the tools and resources for the free support groups. Who's Really Driving Your Bus? shares this material in the format of a Therapeutic Coaching session. For more information on Dr. Henman and his therapeutic approach, please contact his web site at www.CAIRforYou.com

About the Author

Dr. Henman began his professional career working in Head Start and Migrant Education preschool programs in central California in 1968. He has spent the last 30 years in full time practice coaching and educating in the areas of self esteem, addictions, relationship dysfunction, depression and anxiety. He received his Ph.D. from the California School of Professional Psychology in 1978, and became a licensed psychologist in 1980. He is currently in full time practice with Psychological Associates in Modesto, CA.
He developed Cognitive/Perceptual Reconstruction as an integrated therapeutic approach to the treatment of Adult Children of Dysfunction in 1985. With the help of a steering committee of recovering individuals, he founded CAIR Self-Help Groups to support the development of healthy self esteem in 1990. In 1997, in conjunction with Urban Care Ministries, he helped form CAIRing Grace Groups, which are Christ-centered support groups that combine Scripture and Cognitive/Perceptual tools from the CAIR Handbook to allow a safe place to experience God's Grace in recovery..
The following is a partial list of publications:
Henman, J.O. (1987). "Conscious competence and other paradoxes for adult children." Focus, July/August. 12-16.
Henman, J.O. (1990). Changing attitudes in recovery: A handbook on estem. Modesto, CA: Psychological Assosiates Press.
Henman, J.O. (1991) "C.A.I.R. Self-help groups." California Psychologist, July.
Henman, J.O. (1992) "C.A.I.R. Self-help groups-Building healthy self-esteem." Self-Helper, vol.7, no 2.
Henman, J.O. (1992) "Developing healthy self-esteem." California Psychologist, September
Henman, J.O. (1993) "An ecological model of self-esteem". California Psychologist, May
Henman, J.O.& Henman, S.M. (1990) "Cognitive/perceptual reconstruction in the treatment of alcoholism." In C.M Sterman (Ed.), Nuero-linguistic programming in alcoholism treatment (pp.105-124). New York: The Hawworth Press.

Sample Excerpts and Table of Contents

CONTENTS

1.     Introduction To Drivers Training
Eight Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change
Meeting Your Coach
A Peek At Drivers Training
Getting To Know Your Driver's Manual For Change

2.     Seeing Clearly Through Your Windshield
Nugget: You Experience Reality Through Perceptual Filters
Power Of Mind Distortions
Expectations
Self-fulfilling Prophesies
Conditional Acceptance
Demanding Comfort
Learned Helplessness.
Control vs. Influence
Fairness
Fault and Blame
Needs vs. Wants
The Comparison Trap
The Giant "Me"
Why, Why, Why
The Test
Shame, Guilt, and Regret.
Who Defines My Reality
Mind Reading
Assuming That Feelings Are Fact
Black And White Thinking
Faulty Generalizations
Powerful Words
Time Machine
It's Awful; It's Nothing
That's Just How I Am! That's Just How You Are
We Are Our Mistakes
What If...? If Only

3.     A Look Inside Your Perceptual Bus
The Adult Child Concept
A Personal Look Inside
The Concept Of Therapeutic Coaching
The Twelve-Step Concept Of Change
The Concept Of Spirituality
The Concept Of Self-Esteem

4.     Drivers Training - Learning To Read The Signs
ABC's Of Observation
Constructive Problem Solving
Movie Check
Role Reversal Check
Five-Step Deep Sharing Exercise

5.     Inside A Drivers Training Session
Emma's Session
Bill's Session

6.     Core Elements Of Drivers Training
Nugget: Truth Transcends Our Perceptions Of Reality!
Nugget: We Become Addicted To The Familiar!
Nugget: Change Is Possible In The Present!
Nugget: Personal Change Is An Active, Participation Process!
Nugget: Freedom Is The Willingness To Accept The Consequences Of Our Choices!

7.     The Power Of Identity In Drivers Training
Nugget: I Am Not My Story, And My Story Affects Where I Am Starting Today!
Nugget: Identity Leads To Perceptions!
Nugget: I Am Chooser In My Life!
Nugget: There Is An Economy In Your Giving!

8.     Advanced Driving Tips For Healthy Change
Nugget: Believing Is Seeing!
Nugget: Judging and Defending Prevent Change!
Nugget: It Is Wise To See Your Glass Half Full, Rather Than Half Empty!
Nugget: Forgiveness Is Letting Go Of Holding On!
Final Thoughts From Your Coach
Epilogue
Additional "Nuggets of Wisdom" For Further Reflection

Introduction To Drivers Training

As you pick up this book, take a moment to consider what motivated you to start reading. Allow yourself to feel good about noticing where you are starting in the present. Are you the kind of person who loves to learn and grapple with deeper meanings in life? Have you made significant changes in your life and want to continue growing? Would you like a guide/coach to accompany you as we explore together the process of making healthy changes in your life?
Are you currently in therapy or considering starting? Is there a vague sense of something missing, a hunger that you can't put into words? When you think of your childhood and how you were parented, is it important for you to raise your own children differently? Do you want to break the cycle?
Are you dealing with areas of your life you have tried to change - and somehow it hasn't worked? These problem areas may be causing you considerable pain. The harder you have tried to make healthy changes in these areas, the more hopeless and trapped you may have felt. I call that NORMAL!
You may be drowning in some addictive patterns, dying in a toxic marriage or work situation, or fighting off the "nothingness" of depression. Each new day may loom for you as a minefield to travel through, anxiety and self-doubt beating you down each step of the way. You want to go north but a part of you grabs the steering wheel of your life's bus and you head south, hating yourself the entire time.
Are you doing what you don't want to do and not doing the things you really want to do? Do you find yourself surviving from day to day? Is your life feeling out of control? Do you need/want a coach to help you learn to drive differently, so you can enjoy your life? Would you like to gain skills and tools to handle difficult stretches of road differently? Would you like to have life become an adventure, a journey into health rather than an ordeal to survive?
How would you like to find out who has REALLY been driving your emotional bus on these treacherous roads? I will show you how to recognize who is really driving and how to become a healthy driver today. Perception is the key to healthy driving. Recognizing filters that distort your perceptions and replacing them with more accurate filters, makes healthy driving much easier. Imagine driving into the sun in the late afternoon, your windshield streaked and dirty. The sun's light reflects off the grime and makes it almost impossible for you to see what is ahead of you. You can continue driving; feeling anxious about the poor visibility, or you can pull over, clean the windshield and continue driving, able to see much more clearly and accurately.
Most of the distortions seen through the windshield of your perceptual bus come from learning to survive the pains of life up until now. I will show you how to shift from surviving to living, and help you understand the differences between these two perspectives.
The more you learned to adopt "survival" coping skills growing up, the more likely you will unconsciously (or consciously) bring these survival filters into your present circumstances. Survival is the process of blocking painful experiences and learning to deny parts of self in order to avoid pain. The pain can come in many different forms, at different ages, causing different decisions and reactions.
Survival always has a core element of scarcity. Scarcity is the fear of not getting enough of what you need. Scarcity and abundance are incompatible. The more you gain the paradox of abundance, the less you feel scarcity.
Survival mode is present when one of your significant considerations is how to make sure others don't get upset with you, that they won't reject you, that they won't hurt you too badly. When you illuminate your experiences with judgmental flashlights rather than respectful lanterns, you are probably filtering your perceptions with survival mode. When making sure that it's not your fault is more important than coming to a healthy outcome, you can bet you are in survival mode. There is a core self-rejection/self-protection at the heart of survival mode that filters everything you experience. Are there certain areas of your life that activate your survival mode?
There is always a cost attached to survival. Survival mode is at odds with the Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change that will be explored deeply in this book. Violating these fundamental principles makes happiness and intimacy difficult to experience over time. I will share many "Nuggets of Wisdom" reflecting the Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change throughout the book. These fundamental principles form a New Program perspective to change.
You can learn to listen more deeply both to yourself and others. You can learn to see patterns in behavior and the underlying assumptions that drive toxic patterns. You can gain the ability to have real choices in the difficult areas of your life.
In the same way that there are fundamental principles of physics such as gravity, which allow predictability in life; there are Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change that can help predict your success in making desired changes in your life. If you jump off your roof, you can predict from the fundamental principles of physics that you will fall down, and not up. This predictability is also true about your ability to make healthy changes in your life.
When you try to hate yourself into positive changes, there will be an impasse between the vector of energy pushing for change, and the vector of resistance to conditional demands. Trying not to think or do something actually increases the desire to think or do that thing. Certain attitudes and perceptions prevent healthy change, while others help make change possible.
The problem for most people is learning how to make healthy changes. After many unsuccessful attempts at trying to make changes in such areas as addictions, relationship issues, and depression and anxiety, how would you like to have a personal coach who would help you learn how to relax into difficult areas of your life today? I will give you the tools you need to make healthy changes in the present.
My many years of experience as a Therapeutic Coach in peoples' lives has given me a chance to watch the Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change unfold, both within the same client, and within different clients over time. I have seen the effects when clients chose to resist and ignore these fundamental principles.
Since these principles are integrated, when you violate one principle, it affects all aspects of New Program. An example would be learning to see more accurately, but insisting on judging and feeling bad about what you see. It is predictable that this strategy will result in a growing resistance to seeing accurately. Judging will cause you not to notice the very things that are being judged - what a great paradox.
I have formed eight of these Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change into an esteeming New Program for recovery and growth. I have found them particularly useful in coaching and in the free CAIR Self-Help and CAIRing Grace Groups. These principles can guide you on your journey:

Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change
A New Program For Living

1. A growing commitment to being non-judgmental, open and accurate.
2. A growing commitment to believing that we are all Fallible Human Beings.
3. A growing understanding that we react through our perceptual filters rather than directly to "reality."
4. A growing commitment to the acceptance (acknowledgement) of Reality in the present.
5. A growing commitment to Mutual Respect and Valuing.
6. A growing commitment to a healthy parenting relationship with the "wounded parts of yourself."
7. A commitment to a growing relationship with a Loving Higher Power.
8. A realization that Recovery is an ongoing process of growth and change - a way of life.

These eight Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change are the heart of an esteeming New Program that allows you to nurture your ability to bring healthy perceptions into your life. When I refer to New Program, I am including the beliefs, attitudes, perceptions and tools presented throughout this book that reflect the Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change. New Program is an integrated perspective that has a direct affect at the level of perception. It is a process of developing healthy attitudes affecting your perceptions, not a set of rules. It is a way to approach your life.

Meeting Your Coach

I have spent the past 30 years successfully coaching/guiding people in my clinical psychology practice. As a Therapeutic Coach, it is my job to help you make healthy change the path of least resistance. As you go through this book, I will provide the tools you need and show you how to apply these tools in your life so you can make the healthy changes you desire today. I will provide you with "Nuggets of Wisdom" about the change process. I will show you a New Program with powerful tools for growth.
You can learn to recognize your Old Program patterns and the cost/benefit of unconsciously choosing those patterns. Old Program is what comes naturally when you are not consciously aware of what you are choosing. Awareness is not the same as analyzing. It is an ability to be conscious in the present. I can help you develop this powerful skill. You provide the willingness to invest the time and thought that makes the "Nuggets" in this book come alive in a healthy New Program for living your life. You get to feel the awkwardness of putting your learning into action; I provide the faith in your ability to succeed. We can be a team! You don't have to make the journey alone.
In this book we will be facing deep issues of meaning and spirituality. I make a significant distinction between religion and spirituality. It is for you to choose what religious path you travel. Our coaching relationship will focus deeply on your assumptions about your spirituality and how it affects your life. I will help you explore the qualities within your Higher Power relationship that support your recovery.
Normally my clients can share directly with me regarding their spirituality. I work within the frame of my client's spirituality in Therapeutic Coaching; being open with them when they want me to share my spirituality in sessions. Imposing my beliefs would go against everything I believe. In this book I will share how I make sense of my own personal spirituality as a relational Christian. I consider myself a "liberal fundamentalist." I understand that this sounds like an oxymoron at first glance. Let's look deeper.
"Liberal," refers to my freedom to relax into becoming a new creation in Christ, "Fundamentalist," refers to the depth of my relationship with God. I believe in His Perfect Plan of Grace and accept personal responsibility to desire and allow His Holy Spirit to transform me, as a new creation, through a deeper, growing relationship with Him. My grateful humility for His free, unearned gift helps create the emotional and perceptual ecology necessary for His Spirit to transform my life.
This "No-Fault" attitude toward noticing and changing helps make my growth the path of least resistance. I am free to make changes in my life. I am free to want to want to make changes. I am free to accept myself right where I'm starting in the present, as I continue to be becoming in His Nature. It takes a lifetime to learn to believe this core truth of my identity, and I'll never live it perfectly.
I welcome Him to use as much of me for His Purposes as I am able to make available at any given moment. It is exciting to me to be on an amazing team with my Big Brother, who is my own wonderful coach. What is so amazing to me as a coach is that His Plan is so powerful that you don't even have to believe in the Author - Jesus - for His Plan to help your recovery. It is important that the relationship you have with your own Higher Power has the following qualities: (1) unearned grace and valuing, (2) unchanging consistency about Truth, (3) loving, accurate feedback given nonjudgmentally, and (4) absolute faith in your ability to continue moving forward in your recovery. These four qualities help create the perfect ecology for healthy change.
To the extent any of these qualities are missing in your Higher Power relationship, you need to find a way to add the missing dimensions. I am talking spirituality in recovery, not religious issues of salvation! Please recognize the difference. Alcoholics Anonymous meets these four dimensions in their process of recovery. I have had clients who utilized A.A. as their Higher Power. They developed deep relational connections with the fellowship as they continued to work the steps, and grow in the program. Reflect on your own Higher Power in light of these needed qualities. Are there areas that need attention?
Grace is a key to healthy change. In recovery, grace is freely embracing an attitude of grateful humility, which grows out of the unearned, unconditional love from your Higher Power. This grace is then given imperfectly to yourself and others in an attitude of unearned mutual respect and valuing. It leads to increasing honesty and transparency.
People often think of honesty as being brutally frank and direct. When you deliver honesty in this tone, the natural reaction is defending and blocking against that honesty. Honesty without grace distorts the truth and harms relationships. This is true whether you are being honest with yourself or others. Many Christians try to share His Truth without His Nature and Style, distorting His Truths in the process.
I believe that life is precious and that we all have the right to live it abundantly. Consider the following paradox: To live life most abundantly you must live as if it may be your last day; while living as if you will live a very long time. Imagine that you've suddenly learned that this may be your last day alive. What would you be feeling and how would you experience your last 24 hours?
A healthy response would be to live it very consciously and deliberately, savoring each moment to the fullest, seeing the sunrise as if for the first time, hearing birds differently, smelling familiar things deeply, taking in the sunset with the ones you love, sharing things with the important people in your life that you had always meant to say. Interactions would be experienced from a very different perspective, priorities suddenly coming into clear focus.
You would begin getting to know people in your life again for the first time, as you experience yourself and them differently - as becoming in the precious time remaining. You would begin living life manually; consciously noticing the various "Nuggets" that are present in any given situation.
You can decide to live your life with meaning and purpose today! You can deliberately choose to relax into New Program principles and attitudes consciously, imperfectly. This allows you the greatest chance of making healthy changes in your life. It also allows you the most pleasure and enjoyment possible at any given time. If you are willing to invest the time and thought necessary, you can learn to live this way. It's nice to have a choice! Reflect deeply on this truth, it is a key to freedom and growth.
At the same time you are living each day as if it might be your last, imagine living your life as if you are going to be around a long, long time. What do you notice as you look from this long-range perspective? Living life as a long-term investment has a significant impact on your perspective. When I was first married to my wife, Sonia, 30 years ago, we both made the conscious decision that "since we are going to be married for a very long time, we may as well make it as good and enjoyable as possible." That commitment has been very helpful over the years when deciding whether or not to invest energy in dealing with problem situations.
As a long-term investment, my marriage pays the best dividends and interest if I deal with things as quickly as possible, so we have the longest time to enjoy the rewards of our efforts. This long-term perspective helps you own the fact that you are chooser in your life, that you live out the long-term consequences of your choices - whether you are conscious of choosing or not. How do you like your consequences up until now?
Compare this sense of permanency with one of constantly wondering if your relationship is going to end today or maybe tomorrow. There is a high price for avoiding commitment in important relationships. The Fundamental Principles of Healthy Change reflected throughout this book help you live your life to the fullest by embracing the paradox of abundance.
God has always given me a precious "Nugget" to share with my audience when I am preparing a major presentation. That is true in writing this book too. Over the years the "Nuggets" have come in many different forms. For example, 12 years ago I was giving a major presentation on "Relapse Prevention." I was already dressed to leave for the auditorium when I had a fatherly instinct to check on my younger son Nathan, who was eight years old at the time. He was in his bathroom with his little friend Jeff, and as I walked in, they were just beginning to flush Nathan's toothbrush down the toilet. I yelled for them to stop, and to not flush the toilet. I had to roll up my sleeve and reach into the toilet to get the toothbrush out. My first reaction was to feel frustrated and ask, "Why me?"
All of a sudden I saw myself bending over the toilet, reaching into the bowl for the toothbrush, and I began to laugh. I realized that God had kept his agreement by giving me a "Nugget" to share in my talk. It is not surprising that a key aspect of relapse prevention is challenging the notion that life should be fair. What better "Nugget" could He have given me than the one he did for that particular subject?
It is not that He caused Nathan to put that toothbrush in the toilet, but rather that He helped me see my current situation through His Eyes and gave me meaning and value in what was happening. I went ahead to the talk and started the presentation by sharing the "Nugget". As the audience laughed and shook their heads, they were beginning the adventure of looking deeply into life, for we all have our "toothbrush" stories.
The secret is how we see our stories, and the decisions and conclusions we draw from them. I choose to perceive it all as an amazing adventure - the one time I will be living my life at this moment. How about you? I want to be very clear that I am not talking about an intellectual, rule-governed approach that denies valid emotional pain. I lived way too many years as a Vulcan from Star Trek, devoid of feelings. What I am talking about is allowing myself to live consciously, with a growing, loving appreciation, and an attitude of experiencing life - the good and the bad - fully and respectfully.

Catalogue Information