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How to Find the Right Person for You: A Guide to Successful Dating

by Melinda Korenchuk

115 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #03-0225; ISBN 1-55395-862-4; US$15.50, C$20.95, EUR13.70, £9.50

Dating strategy not working? Meeting the wrong sort of people, or no one at all? Find out why, and learn how to meet someone who is right for you.

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about the book      about the author      sample excerpts or Table of Contents      catalogue info

About the Book Choosing the right person to marry is probably the most significant factor in your personal happiness, but how do you know who is right for you? Most of us don't really know what we are looking for, so we look for the wrong things, in the wrong places and fall in love with the wrong people. This is all in your power to change. After reading this book and working through the exercises, you will have your own personalized dating strategy. In the process, you will learn: What you value, and how those values drive your decision making What interests you, and how your interests influence your relationships Your preferred way of thinking, learning, organizing, and interacting with the world, and how that effects your lifestyle choices Your expectations for a relationship, both in terms of what you can give, and what you need in return The type of person you will stay in love with, and who will accept and like you the way you are (yes, that person is out there) Where to look for this type of person, and how to find him or her How to know when you have found him or her and when to keep looking Your expectations

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About the Author Melinda Korenchuk is a consultant and qualified practitioner of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, the most widely used and respected instrument for assessing personality type. She holds a BA from the University of Nebraska and an MS from Bentley College in Massachusetts. For more information, please visit the author's site at: www.mkbetterway.com

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Sample Excerpts or Table of Contents

Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION

IS ANYONE OUT THERE FOR ME?

Take Charge of your Love Life

HOW CAN I FIND THIS PERSON, THEN?

The Four Step Plan
What Attracts: The Cinderella Syndrome
What is Love?
What Keeps you in Love: shared VIPs
Can a relationship work without shared VIPs

ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE?

STEP ONE: KNOW YOURSELF

THE "V" OF VIP: VALUES DICTATES LIFE CHOICES

What do you Value?
Your No-Compromise Zone
Some Examples
Values Statements

THE "I" OF VIP: INTERESTS CREATE BONDS OR WALLS

How To Use the Interest Inventory
Interest Inventory - Current Picture
Time Tracking
Time Planning Log
Time Tracking
Log

THE "P" OF VIP: PERSONAL PREFERENCES

What is your TRUE SELF?
The Four Dimensions of Behavior
How we Reason and Learn: Experiential or Conceptual
How we Make Decisions: Principles or Values
Combining Reasoning and Decision Making Styles
How we Organize our World: Decisive or Exploring
Combining Reasoning and Organizing Styles
How we Focus: Inward on Ideas/Memories or Outward on People, Events & Things
Combining Focus and Organizing Styles
16 Preference Patterns form 16 Personality Types

WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED SO FAR

Values: What drives your decisions
Interests: How you spend your time
Personal preferences: How you prefer to live Life

STEP TWO: DEFINE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

EXPECTATIONS NEED TO BE UNCOVERED AND SHARED

INAPPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

Character Flaws and Bad Habits

WANTED: ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT, INTERESTING PERSON

Expectations for Looks and Habits
EXPECTATIONS FOR INTIMACY
Expectations for Affection and Affirmation
Expectations for Closeness and Conversation
Expectations for Companionship and Autonomy
Expectations for Sex and Passion

ROLE EXPECTATIONS

Expectations for Emotional Support
Expectations for Family Life
Expectations for Domestic Contribution
Expectations for Financial Support

MARRIAGE MODELS

Traditional Marriage Model
Two-Career Marriage Model
Soul Mate Marriage Model

WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED SO FAR

Attraction Factors
Intimacy
Roles
Marriage Model
What's Next?

STEP THREE: DESIGN YOUR DATING PLAN

Why should this work for you?

VISUALIZE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

THE PERSON I'D LIKE TO MEET

Values
Interests
Personal preferences
Examples

WHERE TO LOOK

Singles Clubs
Organizations, Clubs, Classes
Dating Services
Personal Ads
Events
Network

DEVELOPING YOUR PERSONAL CAMPAIGN

If you are outgoing...
If you are a private person...
Make your List...
Put it all Together

MY DATING CAMPAIGN

STEP FOUR: FIND AND RECOGNIZE YOUR VIP

ARE YOU COUNTING ON LUCK OR SUCCESS?

FIRST MEETINGS

Risk and Safety
When, Where, How long?
Early Observations
Early Conversations
No-Compromise Zone and the Polite Exit

SETTLING FOR ALMOST RIGHT

HOW DO YOU SAY "NO" TO THE RELATIONSHIP?

THE ART OF GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE

Conversation is an Art
Exploring Key Interests
Exploring Driving Values
Exploring Personal Preferences

HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?

BIBLIOGRAPHY

INTRODUCTION

Is Anyone Out There for Me?

Yes! The right person for you is out there, looking for you in all the wrong places with no idea how to recognize you. The process of getting introduced, becoming acquainted, and falling in love has no script; most of us do not know what we should be looking for, let alone how to look for it, and so leave the process we call dating pretty much to chance.

Finding the right person to share your life with is probably the most important decision you can make, the one that has the greatest impact on your happiness, and yet...we don't do a very good job of it. Once we have found someone to love and start living with that person, half of us give up after a while, get a divorce and try again. Of the remaining half, a large percentage has decided to "make do" and "settle" but still wonders if there isn't something better out there.

Take Charge of your Love Life

If you are single right now, you can let fate determine whether or not you will meet someone who is truly compatible with you...or you can take charge of your life and make sure that you do meet someone you can love and live with for the rest of your life.

You may have difficulty meeting people. You work five days a week, after all, and there are responsibilities outside of work to take care of. How do you find the time to meet someone new and interesting? WHERE SHOULD YOU LOOK?

You may meet plenty of people, but no one you meet is even remotely interesting to you. ALL THE GOOD ONES SEEM TO BE TAKEN. Where are all the nice, attractive people hiding?

The problem with dating is this: we don't work at it enough, we don't know what we are looking for, and we don't know it when we see it. We often look for the wrong things, in the wrong places, and fall in love with the wrong people. This is all in your power to change, and you are taking the first step by reading this book. You have the opportunity to make a choice that will work for you. Make it!

How Can I Find this Person, Then?

Finding the person who is right for you is a lot like finding the job that is right for you. To find a good job you need to know yourself and what you have to offer. You need to know the job market and what sort of job would suit you. You need to know where to look for available jobs and how to go about it. You need to develop a job search campaign, and you need to dedicate a lot of time to finding it.

Finding the right person for you is even more important than finding the right job...and the same rules apply: know yourself and what you have to offer; know what types of people are available, and what sort of person would suit you. Have a plan for your search, and dedicate a lot of time to finding the right person.

The Four Step Plan

To find the person who is right for you, you need to follow these four steps:

• 1. Know what you value, what interests you. Know what you prefer to do
• 2. Define your expectations for: Married life, your spouse, and more
• 3. Based on who and what you seek, Design your dating plan this week
• 4. Work your plan; Meet, Talk, Decide. Let conversation be your guide.

In Step One of this book, you will discover what you Value; what your life Interests are; and what your Preferences for focusing, thinking, deciding and organizing are: your VIPs. With this awareness of yourself, you will be able to decide what sort of person you would find compatible as a life partner and what sort of relationship would work for you (Step Two). In Step Three, you will lay out a workable plan to find the person you seek and in Step Four, you will carry out your plan. In Step Four, you will find the Right Person for You.

What Attracts: The Cinderella Syndrome

When we don't take the time to figure out who we are, what we expect from a relationship, and what sort of person we could live with for a lifetime, we allow ourselves to drift into relationships with people who attract us. Unfortunately, we are not necessarily attracted to the people we could live happily ever after with.

When we meet someone new who is physically appealing to us, we are like Prince Charming and Cinderella. There is the excitement of the chase, the thrill of new conversation and companionship, and the good feelings that come from lots of positive attention. Like the Prince, we don't know much about the person we desire, and typically we reveal only the part of ourselves that we think is desirable to others.

It is appealing to the ego to be desired by someone whom you see as attractive. In our enthusiasm for having a relationship, for having a new relationship "work", we tend to put aside our "true self" in order to impress and please the attractive person we met, and this person does the same. The result of all this positive attention and sexual excitement is a tendency to fall in love...

What is Love?

The "in love" feelings are a combination of physical attraction and a subconscious belief that our emotional needs are going to be met by this new person. Willard F. Harley, in his books on marriage, identifies ten emotional needs that he says come up repeatedly in his marriage counseling practice. He tells us that when the top five emotional needs for a person are met, that person will feel loved and "in love". He tells us, also, that we have an emotional "love bank", and every time someone in our life says something or does something that makes us feel good, that is a deposit in the person's love bank account. When enough deposits have been made by someone we find attractive, we feel "in love". As long as the withdrawals-words or actions that make us feel bad-do not start to exceed the deposits, we keep that "in love" feeling.

When the excitement of discovery turns into shared decisions big and small; when the desire to show only the part of yourself that you think someone else wants to see starts to disappear; when you return your attention to the interests and life style you always preferred rather than sharing the interests of your new love...the differences between you become sources of conflict rather than pleasure. Cinderella or Prince Charming turns back into a plain, everyday person when the magic runs out. And the withdrawals from the love bank start to exceed the deposits.

What Keeps you in Love: shared VIPs

There are a lot of books out there advising you on ways to compromise, negotiate and change in order to continue making deposits in your partner's love bank account, because within two years of being in a committed relationship most of us just have to start being ourselves. It is a lot of work to develop behaviors that are pleasing to a spouse who doesn't think like you, but the alternative is to grow farther apart and increasingly unhappy with your relationship.

If, however, you are in a relationship with someone whose needs happen to be met by the very things you like to do, it isn't a lot of work at all. This happens to some people rather by accident. You can choose a life partner with whom you are naturally compatible if you take the time right now to understand just how you think, what you value, and what sort of relationship you expect to have. This self-knowledge is an understanding of what is important to you, and it will lead you to understand the kind of person with whom you can be compatible over the long haul, someone who shares your VIPs:

• Values what you value (shares your Values)
• Likes what you like (shares your Interests)
• Thinks like you think (shares your Preferences)

People who are similar to you will tend to want what you want, to be able to give what you are looking for, and desire what you can give. They will tend to make daily decisions the way you do and have long-range goals that are compatible with yours. When decisions need to be made, partners who share VIPs (values, interests, and preferences) will at least understand where each other comes from, and respect any differences in opinion. There will be more deposits than withdrawals in the love bank. And so love feelings continue to grow. When Cinderella and Prince Charming have similar VIPs, they do indeed live happily ever after.

Can a relationship work without shared VIPs?

Yes, it can. It does. But such a relationship takes a lot of effort to maintain. There are bookshelves filled with books that tell you how to make such a relationship work, how to communicate with someone who doesn't think like you, like what you like, or value what you value. You can reach a state of satisfaction in such a relationship, especially if you stick it out past middle age. This is because over time, you are likely to develop new skills and preferences that will make you more compatible with the person you are in relationship with...if you work at it. You can learn to accept and appreciate your partner's way of thinking. You can learn to avoid the behaviors that really set your partner off and learn to tolerate the odd way your partner does things. You will not, however, achieve that easy understanding that happens naturally between people who are a lot alike without many years of struggle, negotiation, and compromise.

Are you Ready for Love?

Let's face it, there is a certain bottom-line set of requirements that most of us have when looking for a life partner. In fact, these are the requirements that you see in most personal ads:

• Honest and sincere
• Attractive
• Emotionally secure
• Financially secure
• Interesting and nice

Although these things mean something slightly different to different people, there are some minimum standards that you just can't get around. Ask yourself these questions:

• 1. Am I looking for someone to make up for my own deficiencies?
• 2. Do I have a dependency that I need to address (gambling, drinking, drugs)?
• 3. Am I looking for someone to "rescue" me from a situation? From myself?
• 4. Am I chronically unemployed?
• 5. Am I insecure about myself, or carrying old baggage from a past relationship?

If the answer to any of those questions is YES, you won't find the solution you're looking for in a life partner; you will find it only within yourself.

Make sure, too, that you have room in your life for another person. Alone, you do not need to worry about offending anyone else, but if you choose to share your life with another you must be ready to give as much as you take; you must be prepared to be for someone else what you expect someone else to be for you. Before you begin your search, make sure you are ready for a relationship. Ask yourself these questions:

• 1. Do I like myself? Do others like me?
• 2. Am I honest with myself and others?
• 3. Do I practice good hygiene and take reasonable care with my appearance?
• 4. Do I have something to offer to someone else? Some interests of my own?
• 5. Do I have time to share with someone else?
• 6. Am I willing to share the bad times and the good times?
• 7. Am I willing to share my private moments and private places?
• 8. Am I willing to share my private thoughts and listen to someone else's?
• 9. Am I willing to share decision making...and accept that I may sometimes not have things exactly my way?

If you answered YES to all of these questions, you are ready to find your life partner. What you need to do next is determine what sort of person you are...in order to figure out what sort of person is right for you. Read on.

STEP TWO: DEFINE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

The self-discovery process that you went through in Step One gave you insight into your own value system, serious interests, and personal preferences. In this step, we will take a look at your expectations for a relationship, both conscious and hidden, and sort out realistic hopes from unrealistic ones. We will look at habits, what intimacy means to you, roles and marriage models. Expectations have a greater influence over satisfaction than any other factor! People who have little, but expect little, may describe themselves as content or even happy. People who seem to have everything but also expect everything may describe themselves as unhappy. Research bears this out in relationships. Those who enter marriage in high passion and expect it to continue are the most likely to be disappointed, while those who enter marriage with low expectations have the best prognosis for staying together and describing themselves as "satisfied" with their relationship. A person who expects:

• marriage to have lots of ups and downs
• not to understand his or her partner but to find some way of compromising
• to participate in family functions but looks to friends, work, and/or individual activities for entertainment and satisfaction
• marriage to require "working at it" may or may not be happy, but will be satisfied if the partner simply performs his or her role as understood by this person. When expectations are high, realistic or not, a person feels a sense of loss and disappointment when they are not met. Someone who expects marriage to include:
  
  
• open and frequent discussions
• spending most leisure time in shared activities
• warmth & closeness, mutual appreciation
• working on mutual goals and finds that his or her partner does not have compatible goals, enjoy the same pastimes, or like to talk about the same sorts of things--will feel deeply disappointed and unhappy. On the other hand, if the partners have similar values, interests, and preferences and if they desire the same marriage model (more on this later) and level of intimacy, then such expectations are met and the person would describe the relationship as satisfying and happy: a soulmate marriage.

1 Pair Research Project, www.utexas.edu/research/pair

Expectations Need to be Uncovered and Shared

Today's high divorce rate is a consequence of societal changes that make it possible to live comfortably without a partner...and also of changes in expectations for marriage. Maybe because of the TV sitcoms we grew up watching, where all the TV couples displayed a warm and close relationship, many of us started to expect our own relationships to be warm and close, too. Perhaps you are one of those people.

It is important to uncover what your expectations for a relationship are, and what those of your partner-to-be are...and to be sure they are realistic. Never keep such expectations to yourself when dating someone seriously, and do your best to learn the expectations of the person you are interested in, even if that person is not yet aware of them. Expectations that will not be met are a sure predictor of marital discord and unhappiness.

Step Two, then, is examining your expectations for a relationship. You need to sort out unrealistic or inappropriate expectations from realistic ones, and you need to know what sort of person will meet your expectations. A satisfying, happy relationship is in your future if you know what your expectations are and how to meet them.

Inappropriate Expectations

Expectations that are inappropriate need to be resolved before you can find a life partner. They are inappropriate if you expect someone else to:

• take care of you because you can't/don't want to take care of yourself
• rescue you from addiction/despair/a current situation
• replace your loss and help you "get over it"
• make up for your lack of self-discipline/responsibility
• make you whole because you don't like yourself
• put up with you because you are selfish and obnoxious

Character Flaws and Bad Habits

Your partner cannot and will not make up for deficiencies in you. If you do not like yourself, if you have character flaws or bad habits, a relationship will not fix these for you. Chances are great, in fact, that any relationship you form will not last unless you decide to fix those problems yourself...if you manage to find someone willing to take you on in the first place. Do something about bad habits now, before you spend time looking for your life partner. The idea that a marriage partner can "complement" you does not mean that this partner will do for you what you are not willing or able to do yourself.

Remember the Love Bank? If you take more than you give, you withdraw from your love bank account to the point of bankruptcy and the end of the relationship.

If you have any reason to believe you possess one or more of the following flaws, accept responsibility for addressing them before you launch your dating campaign. Would you want to take on a partner with any of these characteristics?

• Addicted Excess drinking, drug use, eating, gambling, or other escape
• Angry Can't manage anger, yells or throws things
• Arrogant Obnoxiously cocky
• Cheating Takes advantage of other people
• Childish Not emotionally mature, expects to be catered to
• Cynical Generally sees the world from a cynical perspective
• Denying Unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions
• Depressed Constantly unhappy and complaining
• Fiscally Hopeless Appears incapable of managing money, is in debt
• Hypochondria Constantly treating the symptoms of supposed illnesses
• Hypocritical Holds a double standard
• Intolerant Self-righteous; his or her view is the only one that matters
• Lazy Gets out of doing work whenever possible
• Lying Lies outright or through omissions to manipulate others
• Petty Cannot place other's disappointing behavior in perspective
• Prejudiced Believes that a group is superior to the rest of humanity
• Rude Belittles others, is hateful to people, doesn't take turns
• Self-centered Main topic of conversation is self; acts in self-interest only
• Shallow Superficial, unable to truly care for or about others
• Unclean Poor hygiene, slovenly appearance
• Vain Overly interested in physical appearance
• Victim Continually sees self as victim, has a chip on his or her shoulder
• Workaholic Treats everything in life as secondary to his or her job

Wanted: Attractive, Intelligent, Interesting Person

If you flip through the hundred of ads placed by singles in magazines and newspapers, you will see that most people are looking for someone who is:

• Honest/sincere
• Attractive
• Intelligent
• Interesting/fun/nice
• Emotionally secure
• Financially secure
• Possessed of a sense of humor

What is "attractive" or what determines "intelligence" or even what is "interesting" depends on the perceiver. What you, and everyone else, are REALLY looking for is a person who wants what you have to give--so you can be yourself--and can give what you are looking for--so you will feel loved. You want someone who likes the way you look (and who looks good to you); who relates to your particular sort of intelligence and enjoys talking with you; who talks about and does things that interest you. You want to feel comfortable together, to enjoy each other's presence, and to feel like you belong together. When you are clear about what these things mean to you, you will be clear about who you are looking for.

Expectations for Looks and Habits

What about, well, looks? Consider this. Suppose you became acquainted with and sight unseen, fell in love with, the perfect person for you: someone who likes what you like and thinks like you think. You share beliefs, goals, attitudes, pleasures, and enjoy talking with each other. What physical attributes would change everything for you, and make the relationship impossible? Those are the only physical attributes you should worry about. With that in mind, consider your absolute requirements for these factors:

• Age
• Height
• Weight
• Race/ethnic background

Consider, also, situational factors. Do you have requirements for any of these:

• Previous marriages
• Children
• Pets
• Smoking habits
• Drinking habits
• Other

Bob and Marianne developed a dating relationship on the internet. They wrote to each other daily, and felt that they had a lot in common. Marianne asked for a photograph, which Bob sent; that was the last that Bob heard from Marianne! Bob never found out what Marianne found unacceptable and was deeply hurt by the experience. Perhaps Marianne was putting too much value on the wrong things. We'll never know.

What are your expectations for appearance and habits? What could you live with, and what would interfere with your ability to give and receive love?

Expectations for Intimacy

What is "intimacy" for you? It is not the same thing to everyone. It is a word rather like "nice", evoking some kind of emotional response but lacking a clear definition that is perceived in the same way by all people. Yet, it is an important part of our expectations for a marriage. Your mission is to define it for yourself, based on your expectations for:<

• Affection and Affirmation
• Closeness and Conversation
• Companionship and Autonomy
• Sex and Passion

Expectations for Affection and Affirmation

People with a preference for subjective and personalized encounters over objective and impersonal ones generally desire opportunities to exchange signs of affection with other...particularly with their mates. Unfortunately, the people who prefer subjective encounters and desire this affection are disproportionately women.

Everyone, male or female, needs to have some sort of affirmation and sign of affection from their beloved; the trouble is, they may express their affection differently from one another. The ability to show signs of affection is not necessarily related to the degree of love a person feels, and the way we show our affection reflects our own needs and desires. We typically show affection in the way we wish to receive it. Some of us show affection through gifts of our skill or the fruits of our labor; some of us need to hear and speak of love; some of us require touch on a regular basis.

Almost all couples start out by showing a great deal of affection and affirmation. They usually hold hands and put their arms around one another often. They exchange gifts. They may write each other love notes, or declare their love in explicit verbal ways. In the early throes of love, they express affection and admiration of one another in almost every possible way. Once married, the amount of time and attention they can dedicate to showing affection decreases. No one can maintain the courtship level of enthusiasm for anyone or anything; it is the newness of the relationship that charges it with so much energy.

What Are Your Expectations for Affection?

Those who continue to need a high degree of affection in their relationship after courtship, need a partner who can give it; not all can. It is important to be clear with yourself about how much affection you need; how you need it to be expressed; and communicate this need early on. Consider:

• What are your expectations for affection and affirmation?
• How should it be demonstrated, how often should it be expressed?
• What can you live with (or without) and still feel loved but not smothered?

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Catalogue Information

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