Trafford Publishing: I'll Cook, You Take the Garbage Out

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I'll Cook, You Take the Garbage Out

by Roger Cortes

188 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #03-1471; ISBN 1-4120-1102-7; US$19.00, C$21.52, EUR15.50, £11.00

One man's collection of simple, swift and savory recipes and totally tasteless humor.

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about the book about the author excerpts catalogue info

About the Book

This ain't no grand-ma's cookbook or the Ladies Auxiliary either. This is just a regular guys' cookbook written by a regular guy. The recipes contained in this book are basic and easy to prepare, yet delicious nonetheless. They are dishes that are served as daily specials or featured on the menu at the author's sports bar/restaurant, McCabe's, in Liberty, New York. They are approved by the toughest critics, the customers.
Sandwiched between the recipes is the author's collection of some of his favourite jokes. Included in the recipes is the author's sometimes strange, cynical and humorous outlook on friends, drinking and relationships.
Though predominantly written for men, any woman who appreciates the nature of the beast that man is will appreciate the humour and the recipes within.

About the Author

Hi. I'm Roger Cortes, the author of this book. At the request of the publishers, I'm going to tell you a little "About the Author".
I was born in Da Bronx, N.Y. into a family of seven children. We ran out of room in the city and moved up to suburbia where I spent my "formative years".
At thirteen I got my first job working at a summer resort called Davie's Lake. I quickly figured out that working in the kitchen was a far better place to be than picking up trash or baking in the sun in a large open field showing people where to park. From the age of thirteen to eighteen I worked my way up the ranks from scraping baking pans to preparing dinner for up to one thousand guests.
After two years in the army I spent the next fifteen years floating around the country playing rock and roll, working construction, tending bar and cooking. I finally settled down, (somewhat), got married, had two beautiful girls and bought myself a bar/restaurant.
I've been a writer all my life and have been published in song, poetry and short stories. This is my first complete book. Someday I'll finish the other four.
I currently reside in Ferndale, N.Y., a small town in the heart of the once famous "Borscht Belt" Catskill Mountains, where I still own and operate my places, McCabe's and Warehouse III.

Excerpts

INTRODUCTION
Ok, so why would I need a cookbook, and why would I buy one. If you're reading this and you're single you might be thinking, that's what they make deli's and take out places for. Hell I can nuke a can of ravioli or chili and have my meal in under two minutes. Hey, if I want to get adventurous I can go for the mac and cheese or hamburger helper. Or, if I want to show off my culinary expertise, I could boil up some number nine (spaghetti) and dump a pile of one of the hundreds of jarred sauces on it. Buy a prebagged salad, a loaf of Italian bread and Bam! (Am I allowed to say that?) I'm Guiseppi Pastoroni, world famous chef. True, true a very valid argument. I too lived like that for quite some years. And to tell the truth, I still dig an occasional out of the box dinner. But take my word, it'll get old sooner or later. And believe me, it doesn't impress the babes all that much. Ok, if you are a babe, excuse me, a lady, and you're reading this, I might just as well get the apology done with now. I am more than pleased that you have even picked up this book. I would be even more thrilled if you bought it. But truth be known, this is a kinda male oriented cookbook. I'm sure I'm gonna piss off a few babes. Heck, I'm a guy, and I occasionally flip through the pages of Cosmo. Lot's of stuff in that magazine pisses me off. Though usually not the pictures. So - please accept my humblest apology right now, cause this is the last one. Let my testosterone run free throughout these pages. Hey, after all, if you look at the big picture this book is for you, the queen bee, and we, your humble workers, are just trying to impress and please you.
Now that that's out of my system let's get on with it. How about you married guys, or the boys out there in limbo that have been engaged for say somewhere between three and forty seven years. And let's include in this group, dada- da-dah, dads. Picture this; it's any ole day of the week and you get home an hour (yeah, an hour is all it takes), before "she who must be obeyed does". She walks in and smells this potpourri of flavors wafting through the house. Accustomed as she is to smelling stale beer, cigarettes and perhaps an overdue litter box, she has a perplexed look on her face as she follows her nose to the kitchen where, in all it's majesty, laid out perfectly on the table is a veritable banquet prepared for her. I'd bet she would just sh.., I mean, be really surprised. After she enjoyed this feast and stopped looking in the closets for ex-girlfriends she would be quite impressed and very thankful. You know they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach; I believe the way to a woman's heart, and points further south, is through her stomach as well. Kids, for those of you who have kids. These days I know just as many men who prepare meals for their kids as women. I have learned from personal experience that kids will eat more than just hot dogs, french fries and pizza. Once you break them out of that routine you'll find they are more apt to say "what's for dinner?", rather than "can I have pizza?". Last, but not least, you. Hey if I came home every night to a home cooked dinner you could bet your sweet ass it would be many moons between the times that I settled for a can of ravioli for dinner. Ah, but you say I have to do the work. Take my word, its not that much work. The benefits far outweigh the work.
***** A guy and his buddy are driving through downtown Philly one night going slightly over the speed limit. A cop pulls him over and approaches the car. The driver rolls the window down. The cop says "License and registration." As the man leans over to get his wallet out the cop hits him in the head with the flashlight. "What was that for?" the guy asks. "You're in Philly pal," the cop says. "When we pull you over you don't make us wait; you have your papers ready". The cop looks at the papers and says, "Alright I'm gonna let you go, slow down." Then he walks around to the other side of the car and tells the passenger to roll down his window. The passenger complies and the cop hits him in the head with the flashlight. "What was that for?" the guy asks. "I'm just granting your wish," the cop says. I know as soon as you get about a mile down the road you're gonna say, 'boy I wish that mother fucker had tried that on me.' "
So before we begin let me tell you a few things about this book. First of all, all the recipes in this book are my own. Just as with any story, joke or musical note its all been done before. My recipe for chili may be the same as a thousand others, after all there's only so many things you can put in chili and still have it taste like chili. The same goes for my beef, chicken or fish dishes. Even soups. It has all been done before. But they are my recipes. When I started cooking some thirty years ago I learned my basics working with the pros. Whether it was at a restaurant, deli, bakery, or fast food joint you have to start somewhere. Over the years I've added my own touches, flavors and system for cooking. All changes were made according to how I liked things to taste, as well as to how people responded. You will make your changes too. In the beginning the response might have been, "That's pretty good." That wasn't good enough for me. Then it was, "Wow, that's good". That was a little better. Eventually, when I finally opened my own place it was, "Could you tell me how to make that?" So that's what I'm doing here. I'm going to tell you how to make that. I am not a world-renowned chef; nor do I ever intend to be one. (They're kinda weird anyway.) If you want to be a chef go to school. The main difference between a cook and a chef is that chefs swear in French. What I am is a cook. Cooking is a way of life for me. At home it is for my family's benefit. Outside of home it is a wonderful social event. Whether it is pleasing people in my restaurant or showing off at one of the numerous parties I attend, (if you're a decent cook you get invited to lots of parties), it's always enjoyable.
Secondly, throughout this book, I have included many of my favorite quotes, quips and jokes just to lighten things up a bit. I'll take credit for some of the quotes and quips, but as for the jokes, I stole them all. If I know who wrote them I will give credit where it is due. If I do not know, which is the case with most of them, hey, thanks for the material whoever you are.
Last but not least; this book is mostly about cooking, eating and enjoying it. For your convenience I have broken it up into different categories based on needs or desires. Also, for the convenience of those of us who are over forty and need reading glasses I've gone with a large print. If you just need glasses for reading and try to cook with them on you will find it quite difficult. Never mind the steam on the lenses, the distortion your plate will take on at countertop length is enough to make you think your parents were right about those things you used to smoke, eat or otherwise ingest. Want to see what I mean? Put your glasses on and have a close look at a sausage. Whoa! See what I mean. And please don't tell me you're wearing one of those little around the neck attach to the frame string thingy's. I'll lose my appetite. Now go have a beer.

BEEF TIPS AND BROCCOLI
This is a dish I make whenever I have leftover beef. It doesn't necessarily have to be made with leftovers but it beats wasting food. Let's say you invite a half a dozen guys over for beer and horseshoes. You pick up two big ole London broils, marinate them for a day or so and toss them on the grill. It comes time to eat and two guys are passed out on lawn chairs, three guys are too drunk to actually comprehend the function of getting anything but beer to their lips and one guy keeps sneaking off to the corner and for some unknown reason the thought of eating seems to nauseate him. I have seen this happen once or twelve times. Anyway, the next day you have a slab of London broil left and everyone has gone home. You could make sliced London broil sandwiches for the next week. But since your old lady is probably pissed at you for some silly thing like your buddies used her prized flower garden for a urinal, you might want to consider making her a nice dinner and letting her keep the nickels from the beer can deposits.
You will need:
1 lb. beef (if it's a leftover and has already been cooked, great. If not the cooking time will just be a bit longer.)
1 large onion
1 large head of broccoli
1 tbsp. crushed garlic
1 tbsp. beef base
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
2 quarts of water (for cooked beef, add 1/2 more for uncooked)

* If you're starting with uncooked beef put your water in a pot and get it boiling. Cut your beef into one inch cubes and put them in the boiling water. Let them roll around in the boiling water until they are cooked. About 15 to 20 minutes. DO NOT dump this water. It will be the water used in this recipe. Now follow the rest of the recipe as if you were starting with cooked beef. Cut your beef into one-inch cubes. Julienne cut your onions. Put your water, beef and everything else except the broccoli into the water and get it boiling. Keep it on a high boil for about 45 minutes. A good bit of your water will boil away. That's what we want to happen. Don't let it go dry. If you need to, add a little more water. Cut your broccoli into little heads. Pick out a piece of beef and taste it to see if it's nice and tender. It should be by now. If not let it boil a little longer. When it is tender toss your broccoli in and let it cook for about five minutes. We want the broc to stay firm. Serve this dish over rice with flowers. Now go have a hair of the dog that bit you.
*Most any cut of beef will work in this recipe. I've even used prime rib. Just not ground beef you knucklehead.
*****An older nun and a younger nun were riding their bicycle built for two back to the convent on some old back roads. "Sister," the younger nun in the rear said, "I don't believe I've ever come this way before." The older nun replied, "It's the cobblestones honey."

QUESADILLAS
Ten years ago nine out of ten people never heard of quesadillas, never mind pronounce it. By the way, it is pronounced "Case a d ass", as in I got a case a de ass. Whatever that means; but it's a good way to remember it. So anyway, these days everyone knows what they are and probably most have tried one. This is another beauty dish from our south of the boarder brothers who taught us how to pronounce sinsemilla. I'll give you the basic, and from there you can run with it. Christ, this is so easy I feel stupid even printing it. But, and this is a big but, it's so damn pretty on the plate and it is delicious, that you're bound to get a little just for presentation alone.
You will need: (for four)
4 tortilla shells - 8 inchers are best but since they come in a variety of sizes you make the call. Another thing that you should know is that they usually come 12 in a pack. It's cool though cause they freeze nicely.
12 oz bar of cheese. Any kind you like. Most places serve them with cheddar or muenster. I use both. Or if you want a little heat try a pepper cheese.
1 tomato
1 head of lettuce (not even, but they don't sell half heads; which reminds me of a good joke.)
1 pint of sour cream
1 bag of tortilla chips
Salsa (optional)

Lay out the tortilla shells on the counter. Grate enough cheese to cover 1/2 of each shell. Fold the top over and place them in a large skillet or pan over a low flame. Dice your tomato and thin slice your lettuce. When the cheese starts to get soft, which should only be about two minutes, turn them over. Pay attention cause they burn easily. Two more minutes on that side and you are done. Cut them into four wedges and put them on one side of the plate. On the other side of the plate put some tomatoes on one side and lettuce on the other. In the middle put some chips. The salsa is for the chips. I like to put some on my quesadilla. Put a dollop of sour cream on any available spot on the plate. Done. Pretty, ain't it? I know I've been blabbing here for a while but in reality you can make this dish faster than you can write it. A good time to make quesadillas is when you have some leftovers hanging around the fridge. If you have some left over chicken, tear it into little pieces, put it in a pan with some butter and cumin, heat it up and add it to the cheese. It works with damn near anything. My friend Junior, owner of Rattlesnake Jake's in Deerfield Beach, Fla. made me some Amberjack (that's a fish you damn land lovers) Quesadillas that knocked me out. Thank you Junior. Hey Junior! I figured out how you could sell twice as much beer. Try filling the mugs up.
*****An extremely large scary looking man walks up to the kid working the produce stand. "I'd like to buy a half a head of lettuce", the large man says. "One minute," the kid says, "I'll be right back." The kid walks to the back of the store, pushes the door open and hollers to his friend. "You're not gonna believe this, some asshole out there wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." He looks to his right and the angry man is standing right there. "And this gentleman would like to buy the other half," he adds.

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