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Fortunate Families: Catholic families with lesbian daughters and gay sons

by Mary Ellen Lopata

163 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #03-1567; ISBN 1-4120-1189-2; US$18.50, C$22.00, EUR15.00, £10.50

Explores the experiences of Catholic parents who love both their gay children and their Church. Includes illuminating stories, survey results, and a discussion of church documents.

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about the book      about the author      sample excerpts or Table of Contents      catalogue info

About the Book Fortunate Families addresses the experience of Catholic parents who love their gay sons and lesbian daughters. The book had its genesis in a descriptive survey of over 200 such parents. It integrates results from the survey, church documents and stories so readers can access what they need most. Some readers will search for accurate information about Catholic teaching, others may connect with the lived experience of other Catholic parents. Still others will find examples of ministerial advocacy and support within the Catholic Church. Fortunate Families has all this and more. Conventional wisdom emphasizes the stories of parents who react to the news that their child is gay in verbally or physically abusive ways. These stories are told so often they take on an aura of normalcy. But there are other stories - of parents who struggle against the pressures of society and church to find and believe in the goodness of their gay child. It is critically important for parents to hear the stories of others who walked the same road before them-who have come through the experience closer to their gay or lesbian child, and who are willing to work to make the church more welcoming. Equally important is the opportunity for pastoral ministers to hear the voices of these parents and understand the need for outreach and pastoral care for gay and lesbian Catholics and their families. Fortunate Families will help prepare pastoral ministers help families come out of their isolation, work through their confusion and pain, and celebrate how fortunate they actually are.

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About the Author Mary Ellen Lopata and her husband, Casey, have worked in ministry with gay and lesbian Catholics and their families since 1992 - their primary focus being support for parents and education of the whole faith community. They are co-directors of Catholic Gay & Lesbian Family Ministry in Rochester, NY. They are also charter members of the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministries, (Ms. Lopata served on the Board of directors for eight years and as President) and of the Catholic Parents Network, an association of Catholic parents with gay and lesbian children, which offers support and resources. Ms. Lopata has a master's degree in Liberal Studies with a focus on homosexuality and the family, Mr. Lopata earned his Master of Divinity in 1995. Together, they facilitate yearly days of reflection for parents with gay/lesbian children, present workshops, and speak at conferences in the U.S. and Canada.

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Sample Excerpts

PREFACE

"Someday, you will know how blessed you are and how special your son is, because he is gay. He will be a special delight and comfort to you." My friend, Mary, spoke these words when I told her my son is gay. That was many years after Jim came out to me and the truth of her comment was becoming a reality in my life, so I thanked her with a hug and tucked her affirming words in my heart.

Years later, as a graduate student studying how having a homosexual child impacts the family, I came upon Walter L. Williams' The Spirit and the Flesh. Much of Williams' book focuses on the social position of the "berdache." "Berdache"is a word used by French and English explorers to describe a physiological male who does not fulfill the standard male role in society; one who has a non-masculine character, and is often considered effeminate. However, to many Native Americans the term "berdache" conveys the positive qualities that "two-spirited" persons bring to some Native American tribes. Williams describes how these societies and families appreciate the uniqueness of certain children who exhibit traits of both sexes, and do not force each and every child to conform to established gender roles. When these children are identified, their talents are nurtured, and they grow up to be great assets for the whole tribe. They are seen as having two spirits - masculine and feminine. As adults they often become go-betweens, negotiating and reconciling disputes between males and females in the tribe. In some tribes they are also mediators between this world and the spirit world, and are greatly honored for this important ritual role in the community. According to ethnographer W.W.Hill, a family with such a member "was considered,by themselves and everyone else, as very fortunate."

"Very fortunate!" How different from our own culture which values conformity, and which is so uncomfortable with people who are different. When that difference involves gender roles or has a sexual aspect, our culture often labels such distinctions as "deviant"or "unnatural." We can learn from tribal cultures that appreciate each individual, value each person's talents, characteristics, and skills, and encourage the development of each person's unique qualities for the benefit of the family as well as the good of the whole community.

I thought about my own family.Did we feel "fortunate" to have a homosexual son and brother - a "two-spirited" person - in our family? What about all the other parents of gay sons and lesbian daughters that I knew? Did they consider themselves "fortunate?" Based on my own experience, I suspected that many privately did feel fortunate but they would be intensely uncomfortable, somewhat embarrassed, perhaps even afraid, to let others know that their family was so blessed. If society will not accept the individual who is different, it will surely not understand the family who celebrates that distinction.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Preface
Foreword
1 Introduction
2 Connie's story:"Be true to who you are"
3 Feelings &First Reactions
4 Mary Ann's story:"I know her,I love her"
5 Beyond Mom & Dad
6 Phil's story: "My son is no joking matter"
7 Church Teaching, Pastoral Care and My Son
8 SJ's story: "No better gifts"
9 Parents' Pastoral Voices
10 Len's letter: "Good Morning, Bishop"
11 Always Our Children
12 What Fortunate Families Need
13 Florence &Steve: "Persons of faith against bigotry"
14 Strategies for Pastoral Care
15 Conclusion: In US God's Love is Revealed
Bibliography
Appendices:
A The Survey
B Survey Results
C Groups Participating in the Survey and Others
D Suggested Resources
E What Do We Tell Our Children About Gay and Lesbian Persons?
F A Pastor's Invitation

FOREWORD

Our oldest son,Jim, who is gay, was born into a traditional Catholic family and baptized two weeks later. He went to Mass virtually every Sunday and Holy Day of his life, attended school of religion classes regularly, went on yearly church retreats, sang in the folk choir, and was a leader in the parish teen group. When he went away to college, he continued to attend Mass and be an active part of the university's Catholic community.

As a family, we were active participants in the family life ministry of our parish, forging friendships with other families with similar religious and moral values. For adult role models, our children had a group of moms and dads committed to what they understood to be core gospel values: love of God and love of neighbor. These values were not empty sentiments but lived realities, demonstrated, for example, by supporting the person next door whose spouse was hospitalized, as well as caring for the Vietnamese orphan halfway around the world. We did not just "go to church;" we believed (and still do) that we, as the people of God, are the Church, and must work unceasingly to live up to that responsibility.

Many of us had moved from other places around the country and we became a kind of "intentional" extended family, providing the support and comfort we needed as our children negotiated the often difficult, sometimes dangerous, journey to adulthood. In spite of that closeness, it was three long years of feeling alone and isolated before I told my very best friend - who was one of that supportive network of friends - that Jim was gay. My relief was palpable when her reaction was caring and supportive, not at all judgmental, or worse, pitying.

My delay in sharing this news with my best friend may sound contradictory. How close could this supportive community be if I could not share with any of them, even my best friend, this important fact - if I could not reach out to them? We had shared many other family traumas, including divorce, unplanned pregnancies - of both the parents and their teenage, unwed children - premarital sex, drugs, cheating, alcohol abuse, etc., all the landmines of family life. Well, not all! Not once was homosexuality raised in that group. Never! Only once was it addressed from the pulpit, and that obliquely, when a courageous priest challenged Anita Bryant's hateful anti-gay rhetoric. But never was it spoken of in our suburban, upstate New York community. I was a willing participant in that silence, a silence that spoke a loud and clear message: homosexuality was something so bad it could not even be talked about.

My vague understanding when Jim came out to us was that the Church said homosexuality was wrong, period. There was no point in asking questions or arguing. I was too ignorant to even know what questions to ask. At the same time, I was confused because the syllogism, "Homosexuality is bad. My son is homosexual. My son is bad," did not work. It made no sense. In my experience, it simply was not true.

Finding sympathy but not much else from our parish priest, eventually I had to look outside my faith community to find the information and support I needed. Desperate for information about this topic no one would talk about, I stole books from the library. I was too embarrassed to have anyone see me check them out. Months later I returned the books - in the night return. It took years to overcome my embarrassment and shame.

I found some comfort at PFLAG (Parents,Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meetings and Dignity services.There was no support at all in my own faith community, until several years after Jim came out, when our parish Pastoral Associate, Sr. Kay Heverin, offered an adult education series entitled "Homophobia and the Church." Behind the scenes I helped organize and publicize the program, never letting on that I had a personal interest. The series consisted of a role-play experience of discrimination, a presentation by a scripture scholar, a presentation on AIDS and talks by a gay man, a lesbian woman and the mom and dad of a gay son - all Catholic. By the end of the series, I knew in my heart that if I really loved and respected my son as I said I did, I could not continue to deny - by my silence - a part of who he is. I could not remain in the parental closet. It was a gradual process, taking nine years in all. Somewhere along the way, I began to realize what a special gift Jim is to me, to our family and the whole Body of Christ - not in spite of, but - because he is gay.

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Catalogue Information

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