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The Misadventures of Jack the Builder

by W.J.P. Holgar

160 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #03-1578; ISBN 1-4120-1200-7; US$18.00, C$20.75, EUR15.00, £10.50

Follow Jack as he lurches between crises. This character-packed situational comedy is a potent laughter tonic to brighten the dullest day.

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about the book      about the author      sample excerpt      catalogue info

About the Book The Misadventures of Jack the Builder traces several episodes in the hapless life of an ordinary, working class struggler. Set in a contemporary Australian city, the story follows Jack as he swears, squirms, weasels, begs, hustles and charms his way through the accidental exigencies of his feckless life. Characters spring to life in vivid technicolor -- Trev, Fergus, Wazza, Tom and others -- a panoply of real life 'sorts' dealing in their own inimitable way with life's challenges. An amusing story that endears and entertains, painting a picture of suburban life in shades of alternating pathos and repulsion -- like following a fumbling, flatulent funambulist on a foggy day.

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About the Author WJP Holgar is an architect, composer, painter and writer of books and poetry. He lives happily with his wife and three children on a semi-rural property in South East Queensland where the family keeps horses, chickens, two dogs, a cat, fish, and regularly hosts visitors from around the world.

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Sample Excerpt

"The speech therapist"

"Right!" said Kim, "it's Wednesday, Jack. Remember you've got the appointment with the speech therapist this afternoon."

"Not goin!" Jack said defiantly.

"Don't do this to me, Jack", Kim warned, frowning at him.

"I'm not goin'. I don't wanna waste m' money on some wanker like that", Jack replied.

"You're going, even if I have to drag you there by that out-of-date mullet of yours, Jack."

"There ya go, insultin' m' good looks", Jack said mockingly.

"Either you're going, or I'm going, Jack! Get the picture! I'm deadly serious", Kim replied, lowering her voice for added gravity of emphasis.

"OK... OK!... Just t' please you I'll go. But I tell ya, it's just a monumentous waste of friggin' money", Jack said off-handedly.

"Monumental", she corrected.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever!... Y' know what I mean", he replied airily.

The speech therapist was a small middle-aged lady, slim and grey-haired, with round glasses that made her look slightly comical. Jack had a bad feeling about her as soon as he clapped eyes on her. She had an old school-marmish look about her; the kind that spelled 'no-nonsense'.

"Hello. My name is Margot. You must be Kim and Jack", she said, warmly inviting them to come into her small, beige-coloured office. She sat in a rather over-sized, elevated arm-chair while they sat on vinyl-covered steel framed seats on the other side of her solid oak table. Her feet don't touch the ground I bet, Jack thought to himself. There were shelves behind her, crammed with reference books of various kinds. A large burgundy velvet drape covered most of her window beyond which was a small hot-house with ferns and creepers in abundance.

"I am so pleased you could see us", Kim commenced, "I have made a pact with my husband that he would improve his diction and command of the English language. His education is a bit deficient, and he's been a wee bit lazy."

Jack squirmed in his chair and blushed. He was not used to being embarrassed in this way and he didn't like it one bit. However, he also had sufficient respect for the opposite sex not to create a scene, especially as Margot was a quiet, professional type with whom one could not even entertain such an idea for a moment. Jack merely sat there like a schoolboy called in to front the headmistress who would dispense the appropriate counselling.

"I see", Margot said turning to look at Jack, "do you like to read, Jack?"

Before he could reply, Kim deputised for him.

"Oh, Jack doesn't read as much as he should. But more importantly, he has developed some bad habits..." At this juncture, Margot raised her hand as if to stop Kim from going any further. She'd had enough experience to know what Kim was going to say next.

Margot could sense Jack's discomfort and sought to disarm him and put him at ease. She knew she would lose him as a pupil if he were further humiliated.

"Oh, you're not the first to come to me with such a request", she said, "I've helped many people like you over the years, and with great success. You'll be a new man when I finish with you, Jack", she said with a smile.

"I'd love a new man in my life", Kim laughed. Margot laughed with her. Jack managed a self-conscious grin, adjusting his posture on his chair awkwardly.

Yuk! he thought. Get me outa here! After they had stopped laughing, Kim volunteered to wait outside while Margot commenced Jack's first lesson.

It was painful at first but Jack eventually resigned himself to the rigours that would face him in the weeks to follow. He felt like a naughty little boy who was being counselled by the female mafia. It was some kind of feminist conspiracy to rid the world of good, honest swearing. If he didn't swear, he'd probably vent his frustrations in more physical ways, Jack reasoned. Cripes! Swearing was his form of anger management, he deduced. On the one hand, he postulated, women want men to show their feelings; on the other, they wont let them swear when they need to. Inconsistent! That's females for you! How long would he have to do this speech thing for, he thought. If he could convince Kim that he had improved, maybe she would let him off the hook. Margot did her best to assuage his misgivings, although she was not his type, he thought. Nothing sexy about her, he would regularly complain to Kim after each lesson. 'Couldn't you at least find me a bombshell' he would accuse her.

Nevertheless, Jack reconciled himself to accepting Kim's notion that he had caught a disease, a nasty virus that had affected his mind and hence his speech, and that Margot was like a doctor who would cure him, given time. She gave him books to read at home as homework, and made him read aloud in front of other students, which he absolutely hated doing.

The simulated play-acting was particularly odious as far as Jack was concerned. He was the oldest of Margot's clients and hence his embarrassment was often acute as the young ones sniggered behind his back. 'I'm a right royal dork in that class' he would whinge to Wazza, Trevor and Fergus who encouraged him to stand up to Kim and refuse to 'take the crap' any longer. Invariably though, it was the thought of losing his marriage that kept him going.

"Hey, Kimmy, have you ever heard about 'tongue thrust'?" he teased, "come here and I'll practice it on you."

"Get away, Jack. Grow up!... At least your tongue isn't getting in the way of your pronunciation", Kim said.

"Pronunciation? I'm forming my mouth in so many new ways, I feel like a mutant gold fish", Jack replied, pursing his lips together and making sucking sounds while approaching the nape of her neck.

"Ooh, that tickles. Stop it!" Kim giggled. "You've seen what my lips can do. Now see what my tongue can do!" he exclaimed as she ran away from him down the corridor, squealing.

"Margot's worked wonders with me, just like you said she would!... Ha! Ha! Ha!" he laughed as she locked herself in their bedroom, pleading with him to stop his harmless juvenile frivolity.

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Catalogue Information

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