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Off the Wall

by Rabbi Jay Karzen

164 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #99-0012; ISBN 1-55212-309-X; US$15.01, C$23.09, EUR15.10, £10.50

Off the Wall is an anthology of humorous anecdotes, episodes and tidbits from weddings, funerals, Bar Mitzvahs and Synagogue/Temple life. While written by a Rabbi (Jerusalem's Bar Mitzvah King), people of all religions, with a sense of humor, will enjoy this book and find it amusing.

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about the book   about the author   table of contents   excerpts   catalogue info

About the Book The Almighty has provided Rabbi Jay with a keen sense of humor and the ability to appreciate the many absurd moments of life and capture them for posterity. The book is a rare opportunity to enjoy some of the strange and off the wall experiences of the author. You will smile, laugh and find the book a powerful antidote to depression and despair. Ideal for gift giving and for folks in need of some good humor. Here is what some readers had to say about the book; Nadia, the Russian cleaning lady: "Each week when I come to clean the Karzen apartment, I must also listen to the stories contained in the book OFF THE WALL. After they are explained to me, I understand them to be humorous. I am told to recommend this book very highly." Hassan, the former janitor of the Karzen apartment building: "On many occasions I come into the Karzen home for a glass of water. Before drinking, I am asked to listen to the stories found in the book called OFF THE WALL. While I, as an Arab, cannot fully appreciate the humor, I am confident, that my Jewish cousins will find the volume to be very funny and enjoyable." Yossie, the Diskin Street handyman: "Items from OFF THE WALLhave been read to me. I have laughed and enjoyed the stories very much. I know that everyone reading this entire book from cover to cover will chuckle and find it amusing." Velvel, a neighbour: "For year, I have been a sounding board for many of the anecdotes contained in this OFF THE WALLanthology. Now that the book has finally been published, I urge everyone to purchase and read the funny material - especially the E-mail segment - my favorite section, and the Karzenisms. I hope you also enjoy this true fiction. I can hardly wait for Volume 2."

About the Author Rabbi Jay Karzen, of Jerusalem, Israel, is a native of Chicago, Illinois and was ordained at the Hebrew Theological College, Skokie, Illinois. Before his Aliyah to Israel in 1985, he served pulpits in Ottumwa and Council Bluffs, Iowa (1959-65) and for 22 years served as the spiritual leader of the prestigious Maine Township Jewish Congregation Shaare Emet, Des Plaines, Illinois. In the Chicagoland community he was active in many organizations. He was president of the Alumni Association of the HTC Yeshiva and served as Chairman of both the Radio/Television Broadcasting Commission of the Chicago Board of Rabbis and the Brit Milah/Ritual Circumcision Committee of the Chicago Rabbinical Council. He was the Jewish Chaplain of the Variety Club of Illinois. In 1985, after emigrating to Israel, he founded Rituals Unlimited and serves as its president and director. RU is the largest Bar/Bat Mitzvah and Simcha Service in Jerusalem. Tourists from literally all over the world avail themselves of his services. The Jerusalem Post referred to him as the "Bar Mitzvah King". As a volunteer, he also runs the Cemetery and Bereavement Program of the Association of Americans and Canadians in Israel (AACI) Rabbi Karzen is married to the former Ruby Ray (noted Jerusalem interior designer) and is the father of 2 children and 10 grandchildren

Table of Contents

Foreword...............15
Preface........................18
A Poem.....................20
Rabbi Jayís World of Humor
The Address Of The Kotel...............21
The Dancing Boys ..................22
We Vote For No Tefilin...............25
The Spooky Bar Mitzvah...............27
The Wrong Torah Portion...............28
Other Wrong Parsha Stories ...............29
The "God Loves Humming" Bar Mitzvah .........31
The "Start Me Off" Bar Mitzvah............32
The Baseball Bat Bat Mitzvah............34
The CD Rom Bar Mitzvah...............37
The Priest And The Tefilin ...............38
The Bread & Wine Bar Mitzvah............40
The All in Hebrew Bar Mitzvah............40
Rosh Chodesh ..................41
Don't Make It Too Tight!...............43
Peaking Too Soon ..................44
Good-Better-Best!..................44
The Sentimental Tattered Talit ............45
What Happened To The Tzitzit?............46
Forgetting The Melody...............46
And What's Inside The Tefilin? ............47
Teen Usherettes..................48
The Woman Rabbi And The Talit............48
All Of A Sudden..................49
The Mashiach In The Kitchen............50
On What Day Will The Messiah Arrive?......50
Praying To Phyllis...............51
The Movie & CNN Crew............52
VIPs At The Bar Mitzvah ............53
The No-Show Bar Mitzvah............54
The Conservative Talit? ............55
The Partner ..................57
The Cellphone: A Call From On High ......58
Tear Gas At Kotel...............58
Adult Bar Mitzvah...............59
The Three Generational Bar Mitzvah.........61
The Hawaiian Bar Mitzvah ............62
Funny E-mail And Faxes: No More Snail Mail...64
Sam Orbaum's Masterpiece In The Jerusalem Post...72
Taxi To Kotel..................76
The Kotel Policeman And The Cellphone......78
The UJA Group And Netilat Yadayim.........80
The Lady & The Mechitza............81
"Korim" In The Great Synagogue.........82
Children's Creative Biblical Insights.........83
Karzen vs. Richard Tucker ............84
Chief Rabbi At Age 25...............86
What? Me Make Mistakes In The Torah Reading?...86
Praying For Strawberries............87
The Cinerama Prayerbook............89
Questions Asked By Non-Jews.........90
Merry Xmas, Rabbi!...............92
My First Funeral Blunder............92
The Electric Spinning Rooftop Draydel......93
Tuesday Night At The Movies............94
The "Bluffer" Rebbe...............95
Kelev, The Dog, Is Dead!............96
Tying The Knot & Going To The Dogs......97
The Oneg Tuesday Prison Caper.........98
Having A Ball In Beersheba...............100
Netanya's Chassidic Paradise...............101
Hava Nagila At Yad Vashem...............102
De "Plainer" Rebbe..................103
I Am Triplets.....................103
Home Of Joyous Jewishness...............104
A NOOJ.....................105
House Calls Can Be Dangerous............106
Beware Of 23rd Psalm In Winter ............107
Funeral Melodies..................108
The Cantor Does A Shereleh...............108
Al & Millie Ruderman...............109
Father & Son Do The Cemetery Circuit.........109
Believe It Or Not Funeral Tidbits............110
The Family Feud: Rabbi, Do Something!.........111
The White Envelope..................112
The Taxidermist Request ...............113
Just Me At The Unveiling...............114
How Many Make A Minyan?...............115
This Is My Shul Because..................117
The Synagogue Janitorial Staff............118
The Only Rabbi In History To Be Thrown Out Of Saks...119
Jews By Choice Stories...............121
Gerut (Conversion) Nachas Notes ............126
"Selling" The First Born Sons ...............126
When Do Services Begin?...............127
The Sermon Sleeper..................128
The Saga of Page 335..................129
The Bigger The Better..................130
Non-Kosher Tape Recording ...............130
Creative Hebrew (?) Names...............131
Hagbaah Lessons..................132
Accidents Do Occur..................134
Exodus to The Restroom...............135
Noy or Goy?.....................136
"Shlepping" Nachas..................136
Where Is The Loyalty?...............138
JME & The Power Of The Mezuzah ............139
Rabbis Make Babies Like Everyone Else.........141
The Frail Groom ..................141
Concentrated To Me..................142
My Saddest Wedding...............143
Squishing To The Chuppah ...............145
Boin........................146
Rabbi Jay's Bar Mitzvah Day ............148

KARZENISMS.....................150
GLOSSARY.....................152

Excerpts

The Baseball Bat Bat Mitzvah

One afternoon I received a telephone call from a family inquiring if I was the famous Bar Mitzvah King, a nick-name given to me in a feature article that appeared in the local Jerusalem Post. A grandfather had come to Israel from New York with two teenage granddaughters for a belated double Bat Mitzvah. They wanted to meet and interview me to see if I was the proper Rabbi for their Simcha.

In preparation for our meeting, I even brought along a copy of my Semicha, in case they wished to see proof of my ordination. This was my first "interview" with a prospective client family. No one had ever questioned my qualifications before!

I met the lovely young girls and the grandfather. The spokesman handling the interview was another family member -- a cousin of the girls. I am not sure exactly why he was even there or how he became involved in this entire episode. I was not asked any Halachic questions or anything regarding my religious qualifications or knowledge of Bat Mitzvah ceremonies. Nor did anyone ask to see my Semicha (ordination diploma).

"Rabbi," the cousin proudly said, "We are all avid baseball fans and we are looking for a Rabbi to handle the Bnot Mitzvah (plural for Bat Mitzvah) who shares our enthusiasm for this sport!"

I quickly responded that I am, indeed, a major baseball fan and my favorite team is the Chicago Cubs. Coincidentally, the Cubs were also the teenagers favorite team.

I'm still not sure why anyone NOT from Chicago would be a Cubs baseball fan.

"Are you willing to answer some baseball questions so we can be absolutely sure that you are a rabbinical baseball authority?" continued the relative. The pressure mounts!

Never in my life did I ever expect that my being engaged to conduct a Bar/Bat Mitzvah would hinge on my knowledge of baseball statistics.

Rather than be exposed to some offbeat questions or obscure facts that I could not be expected to know, I began to volunteer the following information.

The last time the Chicago Cubs won the National League pennant and played in the World Series was 1945. I proceeded to list the batting order of that years championship team. I related to them the batting averages of the stars of the team and even the numbers on their uniforms. I also related some trivia about being present when one of the players hit his only major league home run. I spoke for 10 minutes about the '45 Cubs team. They were so impressed with my vast knowledge of this team, who had not won another title in over fifty years, that the spokesman-cousin turned to the grandfather and girls and announced: "This is our Rabbi!"

I was engaged to conduct a brief, mostly English ceremony at the historic outdoor Hurva Synagogue. I created a special service for these teenage baseball fans, who had a maximum knowledge of baseball but a very minimal knowledge of Judaism. The plan was to have a closing segment of the Bat Mitzvah in the Kotel Plaza after the Hurva service.

The story is not over yet...

The double Bat Mitzvah was very moving. We read Psalms about Jerusalem. The girls read English readings that I composed specifically for this occasion. We added special prayers relevant to this Simcha and they each delivered a brief speech. Each celebrant received a gift of a challah cover and an impressive certificate from the Ministry of Tourism.

Now it was time to make our way down to the Kotel Plaza. As we walked together, making our way through the Jewish Quarter to the Western Wall Plaza, both the grandfather and the cousin were passing out dollar bills to all the children playing in the "Rova" area. As we approached a snack shoppe, leading down to the Kotel, they, Pied Piper-like, gathered the dozens of children ordering ice-cream and drinks for each one. I estimated that between the dollar bills they generously distributed and the snacks he had purchased, he had spent close to $100.

Following the closing ceremony near the Kotel, the service having been completed, it was now time to settle the rabbinic honorarium. The cousin apologetically explained that they could not possibly pay the sum printed on the official price list, because "it's very costly to hang around the Kotel area. There are so many unforeseen expenses." He, then handed me a token fee and promised the balance when he returned home.

I never expected to see them again or receive any additional check!

That night, my wife and I were out with friends at a local restaurant -- and who should be sitting there -- but this family. When they realized I was present they sent over a bottle of complimentary wine for our table "In Honor of THEIR Rabbi." Now for sure, I thought, I'd never get the balance, since the wine was very expensive.

A month later, the check did arrive with an added bonus! A note of appreciation was attached, thanking me for the inspirational service and for exposing them to the beauty of our religion. One of the young girls even mentioned that she hoped to return to Israel and possibly go to college in Jerusalem! The other wrote that she hoped to make Aliyah some day!

P.S. I should mention that my sermonette to the celebrants naturally was a baseball theme. As their Rabbi "manager," I reminded them, as they now stepped into the batter's box, never to forget to touch all of life's bases; never to stop short and always remember that to score in life, you have to touch home base! The Synagogue is our home base. I alluded to the fact that sometimes on the path of life we strikeout; sometimes we commit errors; some even walk outside the baseline; some folks are always balking and some speak foul language. I used every bit of the baseball terminology in my remarks. But I did get through to the celebrants! They will never forget this experience and neither will I!

Merry Xmas, Rabbi!

One early, wintry, snowy morning, I was stopped by a local policeman for a possible traffic violation. Upon scrutinizing my driver's license and realizing that I was Ottumwa's "Jewish" Rabbi, he apologetically returned my document and sincerely wished me: "Merry Christmas, Rabbi."

Catalogue Information