Tom's Story

My last 90 days:. March 12/99 Tom I have been around AA and NA for the past 11 years, realizing that I had a problem with alcohol and drugs since my fi rst drink at age 15. Over the past years I would have short periods of sobriety lasting from 1 to 6 months, after being in jail a number of times as a result of my use. Before that I had been in a relationship with my present wife and we had a son together. I tried numerous times to clean up but it was always for all the wrong reasons, work, family, because I had a court order, because I was told to. My using brought me to the street of Victoria in 93. I was living at shelters or camping out in parks. I continued to use, especially alcohol to try to cover up all the pain I was feeling and all the resentment for people that had harmed me. Th is continued until 95 where I started to be introduced to the jail system. My using had been everyday for the past 3 years, in and out of jail still mad at the whole world and what it contained. Every time I would use the problem, being myself would x erupt and I would be committing crime, assaulting people, and after going into a deep and dark depression. I would then go through the guilt, remorse, irrational thinking, shame and total insane thinking that I was such a worthless, piece of shit that there is absolutely no need of taking up space on this planet. I had a lot of thought of suicide and the more I thought of it the more I drank and the periods of being out of jail were getting closer together, and the feelings about me were getting worse. In November my using took me to committing 3 assaults causing bodily harm and I was looking at a lengthy jail time. I had been living with my wife and son at the time and things were getting so tense and out of control that I had left to live at the Salvation Army downtown Victoria. I had no self respect for myself, no moral values, and looking at jail again. On November 18th I was involved in another assault and this time I was sent to jail with possibility of bail. In jail I really took an honest look at where my using had led me to and how insane I was and how crazy my life had become. Here was exactly where I wanted to be; only jail could keep me from using again. I decided to take a D&A program that was being off ered, the same one that I had taken during the summer. I was told again what I had been told numerous times before but this time some of the doors of recovery started to register. I had hurt a lot of people when I was using and done things that I would not have thought of doing. I thought I had all the right intentions but started to be swayed by people who had no desire to stay clean and sober. I went for a bail hearing in December and turned down my chance at bail. I thought I needed to have a period of clean time and jail was the only way. My wife and son were very accepting of the choices I had made and when my court case came up before a judge on January 18th I was given time served plus 2 years probation. xi I told my lawyer that I would just end up back in jail if I did not get some sort of help. I told him to put it in my order that I had to go into a residential treatment program for an extended period of time. I was in the process of setting this up with the D&A councilor at jail. I got out of jail and got a bed at the Salvation Army in Victoria. I ended up going back and living with my wife and son. She has 14 years of sobriety and is stable in her recovery but because of all the mental, physical and emotional abuse I had put her through over the past years I ended up trying to fi x the past and everything around me. I was the problem and at fault for everything. I started to get depressed and started putting off my plans for recovery. Being totally selfi sh, I used on 3 separate occasions within a week. My wife had enough. I was lying to her about being absent from the house and I ended up deciding that I had to get into a treatment center. I left for the treatment center on February 1st. Full of total fear of the unknown I turned to the old way of dealing with things. I arrived drunk out of my mind. I was at the treatment center for one and a half months totally enrolled in recovery. I made my recovery #1 in my life knowing that the only other choice I was faced with was to continue to use and die or worse go through the slow death that I had been going though over the past 20 years. I had the admission of total powerlessness and control over my addiction and honesty understood that my life was and is unmanageable. I made a decision and accepted a Higher Power in my life. My self will got me nowhere. Due to unknown circumstances I had a hot drug test. I was faced with a choice again. Knowing that I have recovery but have opened up a lot past hurts and wanted recovery in my life after experiencing the benefi ts of it. I had to get into another recovery program. Believing there was no hope or answer I just turned it over to God. Spiritual intervention got me safely to another treatment center. I have been clean and sober for 39 days.