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My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
by Anne Bercht
333 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #04-1147; ISBN 1-4120-3320-9; US$27.00, C$30.95, EUR22.00, £14.95
A courageous and inspiring true story. The groundbreaking book on surviving infidelity and coming out stronger * and more in love than ever, told by wife, husband and teenage daughter.
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about the book about the author Table of Contents and excerpts catalogue info
About the Book
The groundbreaking book on recovering from infidelity and surviving marital affairs...and coming out stronger and more in love than ever. Courageous, bold, honest.
Brian (husband): After nearly two decades of marriage to a sexy, loving woman - with whom I made love almost every night - I came home from work one evening and told her I was moving out, leaving her for another woman. Lucky for me, my wife refused to give up on our marriage. We are now closer and more committed than ever. What you're probably wondering is, if I loved my wife so much, why did I do it? In this book, I have answered that question.
Danielle (teenage daughter): When my father told me he was leaving my mother for another woman, I felt it was me he was abandoning. I wondered "what has my whole life been so far, a joke?" In this book, I share the truth about my feelings
Anne (wife): My Husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me, yes eventually, but it was also the most devastating of my life. There was a time when I wondered if I could even live through it.
What people are saying..."Riveting...Mesmerizing...I couldn't put the book down."
"My Husband's Affair" deliberately removes itself from providing "the theoretical and psychological" explanations for the why of infidelity and instead purposes to take readers on a gut-honest, courageous, straight-from-the-heart journey into the lives of a couple/family who endured the aftermath of an affair. A must-read before couples, facing infidelity, make life decisions they may later regret. This book provides an alternative to the expected... hope that it's not over.
Don Huston, BTh, MC, RCC, Couples TherapistThis book makes a wonderful contribution to the growing willingness of couples to "break the code of silence" and share their experience with affairs in order to help others. It offers clear insight into the pain involved as well as great hope for the power to recover and rebuild the marriage.
Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth" and Host of www.dearpeggy.comFor too long too many have suffered in silence because of the stigma associated with affairs. This book gives an honest look at the reality of betrayal and offers hope through the testimony of one brave couple.
Margie Thaler - A ReaderWhat a ride! Anne captures her marital journey in a way that leaves you feeling as if you've just completed a double loop on a roller coaster...only to realize there's another one coming! After reading their story, I see Anne and Brian as champions of honesty, commitment, perseverance....and true love.
Monica Columbus - A Reader
About the Author
Born in Northern England, raised between Chicago, Illinois and Copenhagen, Denmark, Anne Bercht is a well-traveled, dynamic and courageous woman.
At the age of sixteen, she moved to Houston, Texas, independent of her family so she could finish her education in the United States. She spent her young single days in Houston working as a draftsmen trainee for an engineering company and pursuing her skydiving hobby on the side, until a young Canadian swept her off her feet and moved her to a small town in the Alberta Rockies.
Together with her husband, Brian, she spent twelve years as his active business partner growing a commercial cabinet manufacturing firm from the ground up.
Having experienced first hand the pain of growing up in a broken home, Anne has been passionate about fulfilling marriage relationships and parenting.
She is also an experienced and accomplished speaker, teacher and small group facilitator. In addition to speaking about relationships and family, she has been involved with the marketing and delivery of business leadership seminars. She also teaches regularly for an employment transition program, where she helps individuals to link natural gifts and talents to meaningful careers.
Anne has a unique ability to motivate and inspire others through her caring nature and refreshing openness and honesty.
She currently resides with her husband and three children in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada, where she writes articles, hosts a Web site www.passionatelife.ca and runs a support group on a volunteer basis for individuals recovering from extramarital affairs.
Table of Contents and excerpts
C O N T E N T S
AcknowledgementsForeword
Prologue
ONE Cinderella ... not
TWO Before the Affair
THREE Surviving the First Day
FOUR Forgiving the Other Woman
FIVE It's Over
SIX When Life Doesn't Make Any Sense
SEVEN The Vision
EIGHT Friendship in Adversity
NINE Crazy Making
TEN Small Miracles
ELEVEN Danielle Calls the Other Woman
TWELVE Our Children
THIRTEEN Meeting the Other Woman
FOURTEEN Unseen Forces Pulling Brian Home
FIFTEEN Success - and an Ultimatum
SIXTEEN Trouble with the Law
SEVENTEEN Fire
EIGHTEEN Suicide Attempt
NINETEEN Let the Fights Begin
TWENTY Chicago?
TWENTY-ONE 9-1-1
TWENTY-TWO From Fighting To Healing
TWENTY-THREE Should I Stay or Go
TWENTY-FOUR The Rewards
TWENTY-FIVE Lessons Learned
Epilogue
F O R E W O R D
Every individual is unique, every marriage is unique, and no two affairs are exactly the same. Nonetheless, the devastation and emotions experienced by those on all ends of an affair are sadly similar. In this book, I have recounted the events that took place in my life after learning that my husband had an affair. I have told my story as accurately as possible.To preserve anonymity of the other people involved in our lives at that time, the names of all characters in the book have been changed, except for those of our own family. Also many of the particulars have been altered to preserve confidentiality without distorting important facts or essential truth.
It is important to note, that for a period after learning of the affair, I was in a state of emotional shock and unable to process information logically. I have written about these events as I experienced and perceived them in the moment.
Clarity came later. Many of the things I thought and experienced in the moment were not actually true. They were my reactions at the time. In the beginning, I had limited information and therefore a limited ability to fairly evaluate what was happening. This is universal among those who discover their mate has been unfaithful.
In reading this book, you, the reader, have the opportunity to learn the many truths that we did, but I have not spelled them out for you. I invite you to live through the experience with me and discover them for yourself. The conclusions you draw may even be different than our own.
It has not been easy to expose our hearts: the good, the bad, and the ugly. As human beings we often fall short of the ideals we set for ourselves. I concluded that we are probably not alone in some of the bad and some of the ugly, so I have laid it out here, at the risk of criticism and rejection, in the hopes that others will identify with our situation and be helped.
It is my sincere desire to play a part in ending the silence and shame around the topic of extramarital affairs, as well as clear up some of the misconceptions that are held by society as a whole. I do not condone affairs, but they happen, and I am committed to helping those who experience them understand, heal, and build greater lives on the other side.
I am also committed to helping those who have not endured this particular pain, to relinquish their misconceptions and judgmental attitudes about infidelity.
I hope that people will learn from our experience and be deterred from having an affair. It may at first appear to be a pleasant road, but it leads to pain and regret beyond description, and once it is embarked upon, one cannot turn around, retrace his or her steps, and undo the journey.
I cannot predict how likely it is that husbands and wives who find themselves tempted by an affair will be deterred by understanding the pain their actions will cause others. People in this position do not think of the beloved spouse they would be betraying, nor the painful realities and consequences, but only of the selfish pleasure they desire in the moment.
What can, however, be a deterrent to having an affair is learning to understand oneself, daring to look inside one's heart, facing the truth, and embarking on the road to spiritual growth. This road leads to a life suffused with indescribable pleasure and joy, a destination available only to those who have courage and are willing to do the work. For these people, there is a path that appears thorny in the beginning, but in the end leads to paradise.
Anne Bercht
Abbotsford, British Columbia
March 2004
P R O L O G U E
How can I tell my beautiful wife of eighteen years, with whom I make love almost nightly, that I am caught up in an affair? I'm not even sure how it happened. A few months ago I would have sworn I was not the unfaithful type. Now the woman I'm seeing has suddenly told her husband about us, and she's pressuring me to leave Anne and start a new life together.The affair began when Helen asked me to lunch and told me about the struggles she was facing in her marriage. At the time, I actually believed that I would be able to help her by sharing some of the things that Anne and I do to keep our marriage fresh and strong. But I didn't tell Anne about that lunch.
Then, when Helen and I met alone for a second time, I felt a magnetic force drawing me to her. It was a force I chose not to resist - there was an emptiness in me that needed filling. Soon Helen and I shifted from being friends to lovers. Now we are facing a huge decision.
I constantly ask myself, why did I accept that first invitation? I still love Anne. How can I be doing this to her? I am confused and unsure what to do. But I do know I can no longer keep my affair a secret.
I have to tell Anne.
- Brian Bercht
With Brian's confessions, it felt as though my journey was now blocked by an impassable boulder. I sat motionless, stunned. I had had no idea Brian was having an affair. I had never imagined there was anyone else. I had grown to trust him one hundred percent. I knew these things could happen to couples and that's why I never took Brian for granted. That's why I worked so hard to learn and do all I could to be a great wife.
I felt as if my blood had stopped flowing through my veins. There was a sharp pain in my chest, as if someone was cutting apart the inside of my heart, turning and ripping a sharp knife into my flesh. But I ignored the pain and the growing lump in my throat.
"I forgive you," I said placidly, as if this was a church play and I was a perfect little church mouse, performing according to script. My mind could not grasp what was happening.
"I knew you would say that," Brian snarled with frustration. "I wish you would just get mad and throw me out of the house. It would be so much easier!"
I explained that Brian would have to choose between us. It was her or me. I knew full well he would choose me. After all, the love we shared was genuine. Besides, I was desperate to get my Cinderella life back. After a long silence had elapsed, I realized that Brian actually wasn't sure who to choose. I was in a state of total disbelief. Brian told me the rest of the story. He had known this other woman for six months. They met through work. She was one of the structural architects for the construction project Brian was working on. Their affair had taken place over the past two months during their lunch hours, in spite of our agreement that neither one of us would go for lunch alone with a member of the opposite sex. We had developed this policy precisely to protect our marriage from a situation like this.
The other woman was one year younger than myself, and according to Brian, she looked like me. She was also married and had one child, a six-year old girl. So there was not one, but there were two, families being broken up here. I didn't care to know her name yet, so I never asked. I was satisfied to be reassured that I had never met this woman. To me, she was a stranger and an enemy. Brian and I sat in silence just staring, at nothing, for a long time. There was nothing more to say. Eventually he left the room and went to bed. I was unable to move from my chair.
So that was it. My husband was not only having an affair, but he had developed strong feelings for this other woman - feelings so strong, in fact, that when forced to choose, he wasn't sure who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I was not about to share my husband.
My marriage was hanging in the balance. My security was gone. My future had suddenly and without warning become unknown. Would he choose her or me?
I did not move from my chair all night. I sat frozen in place, staring into the darkness. This was the first night in eighteen years that Brian went to bed without kissing me goodnight. Even that felt surreal. The pain was too great to bear. I was in a state of shock. It would have been much easier to deal with death than this betrayal by one so loved, so close, so trusted.
How could this be happening to me? Why were there no warning signs? If we had argued recently ... but we had been getting along wonderfully. If sex had been less exciting ... but we had been having great sex every night.
Well, maybe there were a few nights when I was too exhausted from a busy day. But whenever I didn't fall asleep the minute my head hit the pillow, we had sex. On a scale of one to ten, we had lots of tens - and a few what I call "regular sex" nights thrown in between. I really thought I knew Brian. I was sure that I would have detected anything wrong in our relationship. The whole thing was so unfair, so utterly cruel. I hated the other woman.
For a fleeting moment, I imagined myself murdering her. I wanted to kill this horrible, awful human animal without morals who had come into my life and turned my perfect world upside down. Then I was horrified. I couldn't believe that I had entertained a thought of killing someone. I saw that I had evil lurking within me, just below the surface. I saw inside myself and what I saw was ugly. I immediately forced the evil fantasies out of my thoughts and tried to think good thoughts. What would a good person do?
But for the first time in my life, I understood how one human being could take the life of another.
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