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The Ultimate Online Dating Guide: Secrets of How Savvy Women Find Great Matches

by Suzanne MacGowan, M.A.

146 pages; quality trade paperback (softcover); catalogue #03-1252; ISBN 1-4120-0884-0; US$18.00, C$25.00, EUR16.25, £11.26

Where did you learn to date? Do you use "chance" or "chemistry"? No wonder we make mistakes. Learn how to date using principles businesses use to hire great workers.

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about the book      about the author      excerpts      catalogue info

About the Book What Makes The Ultimate Online Dating Book Different from Other Books on this Subject? The Ultimate Online Dating Guide: Secrets of How Savvy Women Find Great Matches has a unique twist that sets this book apart from others of its type. Ms. MacGowan came to the conclusion that many of the shortcomings that exist in Internet dating can be resolved by using proven business techniques from the recruiting and hiring of workers. Her skills in attracting the right mate or the right talent are enhanced with extensive background in human resource and skills as a journalist. The Ultimate Online Dating Guide modifies the recruitment tools from business into an easy-to-use guide for "recruiting, selecting and managing" great Internet dates. Why Does The Ultimate Online Dating Book use this Approach? These techniques are shown to be easily adaptable to dating and relationships. They dramatically increase the odds of finding a great match while having an enjoyable, interesting and safe dating experience. The Ultimate Online Dating Guide coaches readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery that defines what's important to them in a great Internet date and to naturally attract and choose men who share their interests, values, attitudes and personality traits. Ms. MacGowan teaches readers basic principles of advertising and writing. Strategies for finding and choosing men (recruiting and selection) are extensively covered. How to analyze men's behavior to choose the best matches draws on how recruiters analyze human behavior to find the best workers. The Internet is quickly becoming one of the best ways of meeting new dates. Its rapid growth proves that it's not only acceptable but also preferable. Women can broaden their visibility and meet men they wouldn't otherwise have had an opportunity to meet. It's increasingly important to get the right man's attention for successful dating because there are now millions of men browsing these ads. However, women need to learn how to use this wonderful new resource correctly to fully reap its benefits. Internet dating without sound back-up principles can be compared to buying an item on eBay without knowing how to compare prices, assess an item's quality or knowing the strategies of bidding. The Ultimate Online Dating Book Women Approach to Internet Dating After the self-discovery process, the reader develops her ad using her interests in the headline to attract men who share these interests. But many women have trouble with creative writing. Ms. MacGowan shows them how to use advertising headlines from women's magazines to construct an appealing, attention-grabbing headline that attracts men. Ms. MacGowan includes examples of well-written ads for the reader to use as models. A great photo attracts. Tips that get results are covered as well as how to "read" men's photos. The reader also learns how to organize her email responses so she won't get her correspondents mixed up. Next is the advantage of creating "canned" responses that guide her in what to say about herself. She sees them as a timesaver that will provide consistency to her responses to men's emails. "Strip 'em Naked Questions, or Finding the Man beneath the Facade" is an unusual approach to analyzing men's responses. Each serious of questions, there are over 100 to choose from, begins with a hard-hitting discussion of what a woman should think about when she reads, and later, hears a man's answer. She'll learn if he has attitude, personality or behavior problems. Now it's time to learn about "problem" personality types. There are 16 whimsical personalities to avoid, which are described. A practice session reading and critiquing men's ads ties it nicely together in "The Devil's in the Emales, You've Got Tails." Let's conduct a "telephone interview"! Recruiters do this using prepared questions. In this chapter, Ms. MacGowan tells readers how, and includes an exercise to evaluate the phone call by tapping into the reader's intuition with questions like, "Were there any topics that came up which made you feel uncomfortable? Did anything about him annoy you?" Next, tips for having a great first date that put the "nerve in Nervous" is covered extensively. And if the date doesn't go well, how to handle conflict. After the date, the reader is given direction on how to evaluate her experience. The appendix covers Top Matchmaking Sites; Suggested Readings on Dating, Relationships and Marriage; and Quotation Citations (each chapter begins with a humorous quote that ties into the chapter's topic). Summary The Ultimate Online Dating Guide: Secrets of How Savvy Women Find Great Matches rises above its competitors because it teaches women how to analyze and evaluate men's responses. Women will welcome The Ultimate Online Dating Guide approach, with its operable length, 20 high-impact easy-to-use exercises, containing "how-to" examples and a wealth of practical information infused with humor and entertaining stories of real like experiences. Whether an experienced Internet dater or a novice, any woman will benefit from Ms. MacGowan's refreshing, innovative approach. "Chance" or "chemistry" isn't enough!

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About the Author About the Author Suzanne MacGowan has been meeting great men on the Internet for years. As a highly successful human resources executive, Ms. MacGowan came to the conclusion that many of the shortcomings that exist in Internet dating can be resolved by using proven business techniques from the recruiting and hiring of workers. She quickly saw the distinct similarities between what makes a good match, whether it's for jobs or dating, because the primary elements are the same. The Ultimate Online Dating Guide: Secrets of How Savvy Women Find Great Matches modifies the recruitment tools from business into an easy-to-use guide for identifying, recruiting and managing great Internet dates. Ms. MacGowan developed the book's approach, first for her own use, then for her friends. Their excitement over her techniques led to this book. Ms. MacGowan also presents Great Match seminars, provides individual coaching and has a website for the company she founded, YourGreatMatch.com. Ms. MacGowan started her career with a Journalism degree and worked in advertising, writing radio spots. She decided to go back to school and get a master's degree in public administration with an emphasis in human resources management. She has over 20 years as a human resources executive. It's been one of her many responsibilities to orchestrate the hiring of people at many levels, from executives to clerks, at major companies. Ms. MacGowan has worked at Toyota, Mitsubishi Motors, Security Pacific Bank, Sony Entertainment, First Interstate Bank, and other companies. She taught human resources classes at Keller Graduate School and developed and taught numerous business training classes. She also developed advertising copy at a radio station in Minnesota. Ms. MacGowan has published several poems, human resources articles, and written numerous business proposals to "sell" her ideas.

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Excerpts

What we learn to do we learn by doing - Aristotle

Why Internet Date?

More than 15 million people today are using the Internet to date. According to American Singles, it's one of the fastest growing segments of the Web, second only to employment sites. These statistics are staggering.

I maintain that the Internet is one of the best ways to meet men. You have a lot of control over the dating process, and, indeed, Internet dating needs to be treated as a process. There are certain steps that should be followed, and when you follow them, you will have an enjoyable meeting and dating experience.

I wrote this book for women because women feel especially vulnerable and they have unique concerns related to Internet dating. This book is about giving you some very specific tools to help you through the Internet dating process. I've provided a structure within which you're in control. You make the decisions. You decide what's important to you. You choose whom you will meet and where. You decide the circumstances and conditions under which you will meet. In other words, it's YOUR process and the process has options built into it. This book will help you through the process in a way that's right for you.

I started my career with a journalism degree and worked in advertising, writing radio spots. I decided to go back to school and get a master's degree in public administration with an emphasis in human resources management. I have over twenty years of experience as a human resources executive. It has been one of my responsibilities to orchestrate the hiring of people at many levels, from executives to clerks, at major companies. Hiring is a well-defined process. The more I reflected on it, the more I realized there are some distinct similarities between finding dates on the Internet and hiring people for jobs and developed the tools described in this book first for my own use and then for my friends.

Hiring people is about clearly and accurately defining the job you want to fill and the skills necessary to do the job well. It's about advertising for what you want, then screening resumes for potential matches. It's selling your company to applicants when you interview them. Then it's using what are called behavioral interviewing techniques to find the person who can successfully do the job and fit in with the company's culture and style of interaction. Finally, it's negotiating and making an offer they can't refuse.

I also had the responsibility for firing people. I'd estimate that at least two third's of the people I fired were let go because of on-the-job behavior problems, not for job performance or lack of skill. For this reason, I've placed emphasis on understanding behavior and what could be potential problems.

Who you are is a total of all your experiences (good and bad), thoughts, feelings, interests, desires, needs, wants, and much more. There's no one else on this planet exactly like you. Your uniqueness is what makes you special. The person you're looking for is also unique. That's why many of us are looking for "someone special." Romance is a wonderful blend of two people who are each unique and are able to blend together what is special about each of them. Just as there's no one else on this planet like you, there's no couple on earth like the couple you'll form with someone else.

While the primary focus of this book is for women, it can also be useful for men who are eager to join the new world of cyber dating. I have had a lot of fun and met very interesting people I would never have met otherwise. I've met CEOs, movie producers, tennis players, stock market dealmakers, artists, engineers, military men, and many, many others. Each one has enriched my life by sharing a little of who they are with me. I learn about them, about myself and - what's most important to me - what type of person with whom I'd be compatible. Everyone has a story. Their stories are all unique and, for a human resources executive, fascinating.

But the key is to remember that cyber dating is a process. Built into the process are safeguards to ensure that you have an enjoyable and successful experience. No matter if you're looking for a pen pal, a casual dating relationship, or a marriage partner, this process will help you achieve what you're looking for.

A Whole New World

A woman I'll call Caroline was a World War II buff. She not only knew the history better than most historians, but she knew the names and details of most of the aircraft, battleships and weapons used. This interest was so important to her that she belonged to a club that stages reenactments. It was also something she wanted to share with a love interest. Where was she going to find someone like that? She'd already tried the World War II reenactment club, but practically all of those men were married.

One day a friend suggested to her she try the Internet. Although she was skeptical, Caroline decided she had nothing to lose. So she used the techniques described in this book. She took the time to identify what was important to her in a match, including her fascination with World War II history. She developed a profile of what the man would be like. She developed an eye-catching ad and placed it on six sites. Sure enough, she connected with ten men who shared her interests.

One of them stood out. Ken's letters were warm and down-to-earth. He was forthcoming with information about himself and the circumstances of his divorce, owning up to his part in the breakup of his marriage. Caroline loved his photo. It was a picture of Ken decked out in a World War II uniform with his German shepherd, Normandy, or "stormin' Normie," for short.

Caroline used the techniques in this book to answer all her e-mail from men who responded to her ad. Eventually, she found herself writing only to Ken. She had used the questions she had selected in Chapter 6 to find out more about him. Since he was forthcoming with information, he answered the questions she asked and she discovered that the way they approach life and their values were highly compatible.

Caroline and Ken wrote to each other for five months. Then they decided it was time to meet, so Ken flew in from the east coast so they could spend a week together. Caroline arranged for him to meet her friends, attend her church, and meet her family. It was obvious to me, however, as soon as I met him at her house that they were already in love. The next step, they decided, was for Caroline to visit his home in the east and meet his friends and family. She fell in love with his parents and the town where he lived. His friends made her feel so welcome that she felt like she'd known them for years.

Ken and Caroline got married last year, and she told me she's never been so happy. In fact, they're expecting an addition to their "bunker" next year.

What's Up Doc?

Several months ago, a woman named Danielle called me from Texas. Although I didn't know her, she knew my name. "Do you know a man named Jack?" she asked me. "And did you ever date him?" I had to think a moment, and then I remembered about a year before I had briefly dated a man I'd met on the Internet who went by the name of Doc. He had also used Jack as a nickname.

Danielle then told me this story. She and Jack had dated over the last year. Because he lived in Newport Beach, California, and she lived in Arlington, Texas, it was a long distance romance, but since he traveled frequently, they were able to spend a lot of time together. Danielle and Jack fell in love and became engaged.

A month before her phone call to me, she and her two children had spent Christmas with Jack, who was now her fiance. They'd stayed a week and had been looking forward to a wonderful Christmas as a new family. But during that week, Danielle happened to find a very large number of e-mails to women she'd never heard of. All of them had been dating via e-mail during her courtship and engagement. The women lived all over the country. She also found a list with about thirty women's names and phone numbers on it, including mine. She began calling them to see who they were and if they'd dated Jack while he was supposedly committed to her alone.

Much to her surprise, she discovered that Jack was not only dating many of the women on the list, but was even having sex with several of them. His business travel made it very convenient to fly in and visit them, then leave. She had no reason to doubt the legitimacy of his business trips. In talking to one of the women, Danielle also learned that one of the women had contracted a serious venereal disease from her ex-boyfriend, with whom she was having sex, at the same time she was having sex with Jack.

Now Danielle had a new mission. She was contacting all the women to warn them that they might have been exposed to this disease. While I had dated him twice, I had found him to be very pushy and not respectful of my wishes when it came to sex. Fortunately, I had barely kissed him. (In my ad, I was very clear under what circumstances sex would be considered.)

But there was more. Danielle asked me what Jack had told me about himself. She said, "What did he tell you about his parents?" I replied, "They live in New York. His mother is a psychiatrist and his father is a university professor." Danielle said she thought it was odd that when they became engaged Jack didn't want to introduce her to his parents. During that fateful Christmas week, therefore, she found his parents' phone number and called his mother.

There were more surprises in store for Danielle. Jack's parents actually lived in Iowa and were schoolteachers. Jack had told Danielle, and me, that he had been married once and was a widower that his wife had died two years before from cancer. His mother told her this wasn't true. He had actually been divorced the previous year. In her investigation, Danielle also discovered an earlier marriage that had ended in divorce that his own mother knew nothing about.

Jack had told Danielle that he[d been in the Navy and was a psychologist. While the Navy part was true, he was not a psychologist but had a master's degree in business administration.

Jack said he was head of a very successful software development company. That proved to be true. He was charming, intelligent, well read, a good listener, understanding, kind, and easygoing. On the surface, at least, there didn[t appear to be any reason for Jack to mislead women about himself.

But Jack was obviously a pathological liar, and Danielle decided not to marry him. In addition to the positive characteristics he possessed, I had found some negative ones that were red flags for me. Jack seemed like a little boy. He was overly soft-spoken, serious, lacked a sense of humor, was too pushy sexually for the stage of dating we were in, and was overly generous. After our first date, Jack returned from a business trip to New York with a very expensive perfume and handmade leather purse for me. He also gave me about the smallest cotton tank top I've ever seen. And I don't wear tank tops.

I also was not physically attracted to Jack. He was only forty-six (two years younger than me), but he looked about sixty. He shaved his head and was about fifty pounds overweight. In fact, he looked about nine months pregnant. I had told myself not to be so vain and to wait and see if his looks would become less of an issue as I got to know him better. But his disrespectful behavior made my intuition scream at me to run. I listened to my intuition.

The Luck of the Irish

"Police Log - Manhattan Beach, CA - Approximately 2:10 to 2:30 a.m., Dec. 1, 2001. At 2:10 a.m., the victim and her date, a man she met through an Internet singles service, were standing outside of Patrick Malloy's bar in Hermosa Beach. The victim was annoyed at her date, who had consumed several shots of alcohol. The date forcibly grabbed the victim's hand and flagged a taxi. The victim repeatedly told the taxi driver to stop so that she could get out. The victim started crying and the man then grabbed her arms and legs to restrain her. The victim screamed and said she wanted out of the cab. The man put his hands around the victim's neck and squeezed, choking the victim. When they got to the victim's residence in Manhattan Beach, they both got out of the taxi. The victim asked the man where he was going. He told the victim he was going to her house, and she said no. The man put one of his hands over her face and pushed her backward. The victim fell into the street and hit her head on the asphalt. The man entered her residence and took his keys and jacket and left." This is the actual log as reported by the Daily Breeze newspaper, Torrance, CA.

How could The Ultimate Online Dating Guide have prevented the victim from being attacked? Here are just a few examples of points in the book that would have helped her make better decisions:

• She would have discovered that he probably had a drinking problem.
• She would have learned more about him and his past behavior in relationships. In all probability, concerns would have surfaced.
• She would have identified him as an Abuser personality type.
• She would not have let him come to her home.
• She would not have had a first date at a bar.
• She would not have been out until two a.m. with him.
• She would have left his personal information, along with a picture, with a friend or relative for added safety.

Every six months or so, if seems, there's a newspaper headline about a woman who flies to the "outer limits of Mongolia" to meet a man she met on the Internet and she ends up missing or dead. As a result, such headlines have left a lot of people with the impression that Internet dating is dangerous and should be avoided. But the story of Caroline and Ken is living proof that if you approach Internet dating as a process that you control, you can have wonderful results.

How to Use this Book

In this book you'll learn to:

• Look realistically at yourself and what you have to offer that will be attractive to someone else, then learn to package it and "sell" it.
• Determine what you're REALLY looking for in a mate.
• Identify what is important to you in another person.

You'll use this information to develop a dynamic, impactful ad based on advertising principles that businesses use. Many women get frustrated with the responses they receive because the men responding aren't the types of men they want. But if your ad is properly constructed, you significantly increase the chances of getting the type of men you seek to respond.

Once you start receiving e-mails from interested men, we'll look at tools that will help you:

• Read between the lines and get a good picture of what the men are really like.
• Organize your responses and keep track of what's gone out and what's coming in. (There's not much worse in Internet dating responses than calling a man by the wrong name or asking him questions he's already answered.)
• Develop canned responses that you can modify to fit each e-mail. Using these responses, which progressively share more information, you can ask for more in-depth details about the person you're writing to.
• Use business selection techniques for choosing whom to call and eventually meet.

As you narrow down the responses you receive from men you'd like to learn more about, next you will:

• Develop or select behaviorally oriented questions to give you insight into what the men do or how they act in specific situations or under certain circumstances.
• Learn how to tell if someone is lying to you.

Finally, we'll discuss safety. I found that my friends and family were concerned when they learned I was Internet dating. These safety tips will not only give you peace of mind, but also reassure those who love you. It also helps them to become involved in the process. That way, if you do start dating one of your matches, they'll already know something about the man. As a side benefit, you'll find it easier to socialize with him.

Getting to Know You

My other goal was to write a book that can become a valuable hands-on resource to help you get to know yourself a little better. As you look at yourself honestly, openly, and realistically, you may see some things about yourself that are preventing you from finding the love that you want in your life. I believe that the better we know ourselves, the better our chances are of meeting someone special.

The book is not intended to be a self-help guide simply for making you a "better you." There are more than enough good books written by people far more qualified than I to provide guidance. (I've listed some of my favorites in Appendix II.) Instead, may you begin a new journey that leads to self-discovery and the joy of finding fulfilling relationships.

Suzanne MacGowan

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Catalogue Information

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