Romantic Rain

Post Facto Session 77: The Penis Code . This is session D-3, post facto session 77. I am pulled over at a rest stop. And, most of my commentaries have been improvised, spontaneous, and in a stream of consciousness style of writing that I call "narrative prose." But here I am going to read from some notes that I made sitting in Bryant Park, and I am going to read from the NYC phone book. Notes... Orange Pages. The secret behind the "Orange Pages," is that they are the most valuable and useful book on the planet... but they are hard to use. This is a paradox. It is the most valuable and useful book on the planet, and yet it is free! However, there is also a paradox, they are filled with so much important information... but they are hard to use. Why are they hard to use? There is a conflict of interest. By making the categories of listings of phone numbers so confusing, people have to advertise more. The freaky thing about this phone book, is that it's FREE! I know because I used to get paid to deliver phone books. You see, it is against Federal Law to put stuff in people's mailboxes. Only mail delivered by the U.S. Postal service can be put in the mailbox. You can be fined, and sent to jail for putting stuff in people's mailboxes. If you want to pass out fliers, or phone books, you can, but you have to hand deliver them on the front door, or doorstep by hand, but not in the mailbox. Only the U.S. Post Office can put stuff in the mailbox. Also, it's against the law to destroy, or write on, American money. Not only is it against the law, but it's against Federal law! From now on, that's what I'm going to tell people about my jail time. Why did you do time? Illegal mailbox usage. I passed out free phone books and put them in the mailboxes... and I got busted! That, or I will tell people that I was put in jail for drawing fake mustaches on dollar bills. "I gave a girl my phone number on a dollar bill, and ended up in jail! If I was a lawyer, I think that would be fun to look up. What do you call those laws? "You are charged with illegal distribution of contraband! How do you plea?" "For delivering phone books? I plea stupidity, your honor." What would the penal code be then? That is what I call my phone number, by the way... "The Penal Code." I think that they should change that name, by the way. I think they should call it, "The Rule Code." Oh, do I have to explain that penal sounds like penis? The penal code is the penalty code, or law number. What is the penis code? The penis code... is BIG, Very Big. The penis code is very large, pinkish, and hairy. The Illinois penis code... is very rough, and scratchy. That is probably why they haven't changed it, because it is the most fun thing that a lawyer gets to do, besides wear a cape... is look up the penis code! I hope that if I ever go to court, the judge makes a mistake, and says... "penis code." "Do you plead guilty to penis code 777?" "Stop that, why are you laughing? Stop laughing, or you will be in contempt of court!" I am just kidding, of course. I do NOT want that to happen. But, that is another mistake... "contempt of court." I would imagine that "contempt" would denote "contemplation," which is another word for... thinking. And... thinking should not be against the law! "I hereby sentence you to two days in jail... for thinking!" "Why did you spend time in jail?" "I got caught thinking." The secret of the phone books, is that they are the most useful books, and most used book in the World, probably. But, they can be the hardest book to use. I'm going to reference some examples of Orange Book listings from the NYC Phone Book. Here are some examples of categories: awnings and canopies, baby accessories, baby clothes, baby furniture, back care products, back flow prevention products and services, badges, bagels, bags, baker's equipment, balloons, balancing equipment, balancing service?, barbeque equipment and supplies, bar coding equipment and systems, barricades... barrels and drums, baskets, baseball clubs, bearings... bird feeders (and houses), blasting contractors... blacksmiths, bolts and nuts, body wrapping salons, bottled gas (I don't need that... yuk yuk), booths, boxes (corrugated, and fiber). This is actually kind of a fun experiment in looking at the most bizarre categories. I'm not going to do it now, but that would be kind of fun, to pick out ten categories at random, and make up a story of how you would use them. I'm having a party for my baby furniture, and I need a barbecue to cook some bagels. I'm going to have a lot of people, so I will need some barricades, and badges for security. It will be a very big party with balloons, so I will need backflow prevention service for the toilets. And... I'm going to need some blasting contractors, because we are going to blow up a bird house, and I'm going to need a new bird house, so I will need a balancing service too. Actually, the only thing on that list that I could see myself needing is bolts and nuts. And I'm glad that they listed the bolts and nuts together, because I wouldn't want to have to look them up twice. Of course I jest, I am very grateful for the free phone books. I'm grateful because I use them, and because I have been a professional phone book distributor. And, I might use a body wrapping salon, also. I would need to use a body wrapping salon... to get ready for the baby furniture party!!! It's amazing all of the stuff that's in the phone book, that I would never think to look up. One day, I'm just going to open up the phone book and start calling people at random and asking them for a job. Brazing equipment? I wonder what that is? Bridal gown preservation service, BULL DOZERS! I actually know someone that has a bulldozer company. These examples are obviously just from the letter B. One thing that I noticed that I thought was very clever, was one company put in an ad upside down! I'm sure they did it on purpose. That really caught my attention, and freaked me out. Even though it's hard to read, it got my attention. I never would have thought to do that. You can even look up a church to attend under the category of churches. The secret to the phone book, is that even though it is the most popular book in the World, it is hard to use. Still, the phone book is FREE. They even deliver them to your front door, but not to your mailbox. One time, when I was delivering phonebooks, I had some left over, so I kept them, and taped them together with heavy grey duct tape, and made "phone book furniture." They can make a nice couch, but it is very, very, heavy! Phone books are FREE! And God's Grace and forgiveness is FREE! Something for nothing is possible! That concludes this session. My apologies to the U.S. Post Office, and The Orange Pages, I am grateful for both of these services. However, I am still attempting to find something in the local penal codes about the legality of home grown tobacco products for personal use. Also, I'm trying to find out if it's legal to smoke fruits and vegetables as a source of vitamins? So, I'm hoping to find something in the Orange Pages about home grown tobacco, or the recreational smoking of fruits and vegetables.