FREE PREVIEW – RE-WRITE YOUR LIFE
Chapter 1
BEGINNINGS: LOOKING BACK TO STEP FORWARD
When I was eleven years old, I was given a diary for my birthday. I treasured that little red book with its tiny lock and key. It brought me into a private world where no one was allowed to enter. It sent me on a path of writing and healing that I could never have known back then. That diary became my best friend, my steady companion. I learned I could say things to it that I couldn’t tell anyone else. I would write my secrets, my pain, my poetry, my just about everything. In fact my ‘diary’, which I have since called my ‘journal’, has provided me a safe refuge all through my life. It never complains or gets bored or angry. I don’t have to show up with my hair brushed, make-up on, clothes all clean and pressed. I can go to it in my pajamas or bring it to my favourite café or write in it in my doctor’s office while waiting to be seen. There are no rules; just show up, pen in hand and a willingness to open to whatever comes.
Sometimes what comes is quite painful and raw, yet many of these tender entries have become my best poems or songs – or turned around become my most humorous stories. But many times I deserted my journal, and in so doing, deserted myself. Those were the times I didn’t write. I didn’t partake of its incredible generosity to help me find my answers which would give me the stability and clarity that I needed. I called it writer’s block but it really was fear. Fear of saying things I didn’t want to hear – afraid to see them in print. I clearly wanted to write my life story but I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. And I was afraid to reveal things that I had kept secret for years.
Then one day, I found myself sitting at my desk and starting. It came to the point that writing my life story was no longer an arbitrary choice. It was the healing vehicle that jumped out at me and I had to do it. My life was filled with so much pain from the past that I knew if I didn’t address it, it would eventually destroy me. I would continue to make poor choices, stay in unhealthy relationships and be stuck in the loop of blame, shame and depression. I knew I had to write my stories in order to claim back my life.
And so I did. With determination and patience, I as the older woman, was able to go back with a brand new appreciation for all the different stages of who I – the infant, toddler, pre-teen, teenager and younger adult – had once been. Looking back I could see and feel her sadness, confusion – her shyness, defensiveness – her passion – her joy – her loves and her losses. Stepping outside and being a witness to my younger self, I got to know her in a way I had never known her before. I watched her in her unfolding and was able to bring to the younger me understanding, compassion and forgiveness. The process taught me how to love myself. On the pages I didn’t have to play the roles I would sometimes play in the outside world. I didn’t have to smile when I was feeling sad or be brave when I was feeling anything but courageous. I didn’t have to be nice or not nice. I simply had to tell my truth.
As I did, I moved from loss and confusion into a place where things began to make sense, where clarity rose up from murky waters. Over time I could see a palpable difference in the way I walked, the way I talked and the way I viewed the world. I was becoming stronger, more confident and less afraid. I still had doubts and insecurities but I was visibly miles ahead of where I was before.
For all of us, it takes great courage and determination to walk consciously into the past, back into old pain to make sense of it – to open doors that have been locked, perhaps for decades, with an intention to let in the light – letting light in to give compassion to the younger person we were. This juncture calls for a willingness to embrace the past, let go of old anger, blame and resentments, search our hearts for forgiveness for ourselves and for others and move on.
Sometimes when life is difficult we either become complacent or race quickly into what is next, not stopping to reflect on what just occurred. The road we are taking is the opposite of denial or giving up. It is one where often there is no road map. It is outside of familiar territory; it pushes all comfort zones and boundaries and is definitely “the road less traveled.” Yet paradoxically, it is also the one that leaves room for love and miracles to shine in. And there is something mystical and magical about the writing process itself. We ask inside for guidance and become a conduit. Suddenly we are no longer figuring out what we want to say and how to say it. Our remembering comes from our listening, which becomes our writing on the page. We are taking dictation from what we hear. Each word flows naturally into a sentence, which breathes into the next and the next as a living entity. And it is these words, revealing new insights and memories, that become the catalyst for healing and understanding. It is here that tired or stuck energy gets lifted and a new lightness of being takes hold. New perceptions dance into consciousness accompanied by a sense of peace and often exhilaration. Our stories are being told! The truth is setting us free! We are writing ourselves ho