LIVING for MIKEY

“Give me my lighter Mercedes. I’m going for a walk.”

She lights the flame under his forearm and moves it up closer to his skin. He holds stiff as a board until the burning becomes unbearable. The evil he can see in her eyes scares him as it pierces right through his being. There’s something else inside her eyes he’s never seen before, fear. He senses the rage coming from a deeper issue she’s not telling him about. Getting the chance to grab her arms during her attack he puts her on the floor and straddles over her setting his knees on her arms. She loses control screaming for him to get off, screeching about her ex-husband and how they held her down the same way. Paul sits her up and squeezes her telling her it’s not her fault and they can beat whatever’s causing her fury. She weeps uncontrollably and holds Paul once again apologizing for her actions. She looks at his arm finding the spot already blistering and fluid seeping the wound. She asks for forgiveness while sobbing about not being able to control her anger. Paul comforts her, and begins to tell her how her abuse has affected him and how he can’t handle being around her when she’s angry and violent.

With a deep breath Paul makes a choice. “I’m willing to give our love another chance if you promise me you’ll get help. I love you more than there are sands on the beach, but I can’t live this way. I don’t deserve to be treated this way and you don’t deserve for me to blame you and be angry at you all the time.”

Mercedes shakes her head and in between her sniffling and crying saying it will never happen again. She agrees a doctor might be the best idea for her to get better for her and her family. Paul can only accept her word and see how things play out, and he hopes for the best. Throughout the entire argument Mikey sits at the top of the stairs listening to the adults and taking in every word and action ready to jump in if needed to protect his mom. This time instead of a man beating his mother and fighting back, he hears a man trying to make a difference. Getting up, trying not to be heard, the little man makes his way down the hall and closes his bedroom door. Mercedes abandons the idea of seeing a doctor not long after making the promise. She seems to grow more distant and accuses Paul of cheating and wanting other women just about every day. Paul denies the ridiculous claims and continues to block punches and even pushes her away every now and then. One night near the end of their first year Paul’s patience runs completely out, and he too like many men before him, gives in to the violent behavior. Mercedes goes into one of her rages because Julie had called and left a message saying hello to them all.

“Why does she have to call my house? That Bitch! What does she want?” Mercedes says while slamming the kitchen drawers. Paul ignores her, tired of the fighting, but this makes her even more furious. Mercedes grabs him by the arm, “Don’t ignore me you selfish prick,” still holding his arm she spins him around spitting in his face. Before he realizes what he’s done, she curls in a ball on the floor. In a single motion of his arm he slaps her across her face with the back of his hand causing her to bite her lip. She lies on the tile crying in complete astonishment of what just occurred. Feeling sick to his stomach Paul sits down next to his victim. Knowing at this moment it is over between the two lovers, and never wanting to feel such anger or hatred in a single instance ever again, he thinks of what to do next. She sits up mumbling her disbelief of the attack, and asks to be held. Pulling her close in an attempt to redeem himself any way possible, his entire body goes numb starting from the brain and seeping all the way down to his toes. Having Mercedes so close is the only reminder they’re touching at all. He wants to cry like a newborn baby after feeling air for the first time. He replays the barbaric actions in his mind thinking of how disappointed his father would be if he knew what his middle son had just done.

They sit intertwined and talk about getting help and actually following through this time. Her crying subsides, “How can you love me the way you do? I’d be long gone by now if I were you. I probably would have given up in Orlando.”

While sliding his fingers through her hair he pulls slightly back to bring her face into focus. Wiping away her tears and kissing her gently on the lips he peers into her eyes, “I love the person inside you and the person I know you can be. It’s the person I saw the very first time I saw you. I can’t explain it, but I saw the true you. I now know what people mean when they say they just know, because you have everything I’ve been looking for in a woman.”

Mercedes begins to sob again, “Look what I did to your arm. You should hate me.”

Paul hugs her trying to cut the tears off before they begin. He rubs her back, “I could never hate you, and I know you have some things to work out. I just want to be here to help,” he continues again looking at her face to face, “I want you to get through this and I want to be here to the end. I love you Snooky bear.”

She pulls him close as they sit on the floor just holding one another until slowly getting up and going to bed. This time Mikey is asleep through most of the rage, and thankfully didn’t walk in to see Paul’s moment of disgrace. Paul promises deep within his heart to never repeat his actions ever again.

The next day Mercedes holds to her promise and calls a psychologist to make an appointment for later in the week. As he day approaches she gets nervous about what she might have to talk about.

Paul comforts her, “It’s for the best baby and you know that. Think about all the stuff we’ve been going through in the last year, and now imagine the rest of our lives without all the bullshit. I love you snoocky, and promise to be by your side through it all.”

Mercedes sees the loyalty in his eyes, “Will you go with me tomorrow? I don’t want to be alone, and Dr. Totti said it’d be a good idea for you to come.” Paul immediately accepts the invitation as he soothes her anxiety.

Hypnotic music barely loud enough to hear plays as the couple sits in a quiet cold waiting room ready to meet the doctor. The door leading to the offices opens and an average height man with a small potbelly and a salt and pepper beard calls for the pair to come back. A feminine man of about forty with a soft voice and a tender handshake walks the trio to a small office with a black recliner and small sofa. Paul feels a good vibe from the man as the questions begin. He asks about what’s been happening to create the rage and what type of anger is felt. The conversation takes many twists from how they met to what things set her off. Paul learns a lot of new information about his mate during the visit and when it is over he prays things are going to change.

Mercedes’ sessions are scheduled for Thursday each week and after a month things are looking up until Paul notices her home on a Thursday night. She tells him Dr. Totti had to cancel and their meetings will continue after he gets back from vacation. It seems Mercedes will have to go two weeks before going back, and the real test is about to begin. Ever since she began therapy they would only come close to arguing, but nothing escalated past raising voices and idle threats. Mercedes’ favorite being throwing of an ex-boyfriend in Paul’s face, and sometimes calling him an idiot for not knowing she is cheating right under his nose. Paul chalks up the threats as pleas for attention since he heard the same lies time after time. He can read her and knows her so well it scares her because he can guess what she is about to do next in most situations. It also makes Paul wonder how much she says, is truth in anger.