Family Hour, Family Power

INTRODUCTION Some parents and their now-adult youngsters engage in heated political debates or a rehashing of old family issues, and then they go right back to being good friends. Thatʼs just fine, you think, but wouldnʼt it have been nicer if they had been able to deal with such touchy issues so candidly when they were living under the same roof? Yes, some of these families had been mired in a combat zone or in an ice age when their offspring were teens; but quite a few other families were in truth able to remain on friendly terms during no-holds-barred discussions all throughout the years. How did these parents do this? To some it came naturally, having been raised in a similar climate; and others had a harder journey-- getting raised in emotionally restrictive circumstances, and later on learning to loosen up. Yet no matter how they get there, “emotional freedom” parents all realize that openness is the ideal scenario toward resolving most issues of everyday living. They are not likely, however, to have found much mention of or enthusiasm for family dialogue in the parenting literature. The parenting scene these days is awash with strategies like time-outs, deal making, threats, incentives, grilling, grounding, hounding, shielding, etc.--all aimed at evoking desired behaviors and discouraging contrariness. Whatʼs so terrible about that, you ask? In small doses itʼs O.K., but when strategies dominate your scene, trouble lurks not very far behind. First of all, a “take action right away” approach to problems, even when successful, tends to keep family members from dealing with conflict below the surface; and it also stifles the natural flow of ideas and feelings, which in turn fosters an emotional distance. Then to make matters worse, ix it casts a gigantic shadow over the blossoming out of youthful selfreliance-- a process that does not suddenly materialize as graduation time draws near, but takes shape gradually from the time of the first steps in toddling around. Books and articles on effective communication show folks how to talk and listen in a focused, thoughtful way to sort out conflicts with colleagues, spouses, friends, and other adults. Thus if bosses and their staffs can benefit from open-ended talking, canʼt family leaders and their “followers” do it too? Ah, but most parenting writers remain deafeningly silent on the subject; and many advise dishing out punishments for those who erupt verbally, viewing this “lack of respect” as an assault on parental authority. Now are grown-ups really all that vulnerable? Absolutely not! In our judgment, parents who keep their cool as they tolerate, contemplate, and then hopefully learn from opinions and spontaneous expression they donʼt relish hearing are in reality demonstrating maturity and strength of leadership. Now here comes the big question: how can you allow little ones--or even worse, teenagers--to express themselves openly without having the floodgates of chaos open up? Itʼs not difficult at all, as you will see in the chapters up ahead. And be assured that, while parent-child dialogue is really golden, it gets rendered useless when your little rowdies are running roughshod over you. Have you ever gotten acquainted with or had the good fortune to work under a boss who is willing to hear out an employeeʼs gripes, discuss them thoroughly, and then act confidently? It goes without saying that they command a great degree of respect from all who work under their auspices. Ah, but contending with growing little ones is different, you insist. Surely there are differences; but dialoguing parents learn to differentiate between spontaneity on the one hand, and manipulation and harassment on the other. They welcome the former while x slamming the door on the latter, and then firmly lay down the law when the occasion demands. But then, where dialogue flourishes, situations that call for handing out consequences tend to be relatively rare. Now is this all beginning to sound like pie in the sky? Well in fact, legions of parents have raised their children this way from time immemorial. These are the “really lucky” parents we all have heard about; but they usually let their children do the boasting for them--like “My mom and dad were really terrific. I always knew I could talk to them.” Oh by the way, we are not bragging about the benefits of free-flowing communication in a vacuum. This is a truly complex society we reside in, and quality time can run in scanty supply in modern-day households. Therefore, we present to you a realistic way to safeguard this precious time--the weekly family meeting. Now family meetings are by no means a novel idea in the parenting literature, but most writers cover it in a paragraph or two and recommend a limited range of structured formats for your discussions. We, on the other hand, urge you to customize your family hour style and to experiment with agendas as much as you wish. Furthermore, we go from A thru Z in showing you how to succeed at family hour, which mostly involves keeping dialogue from drifting off course. And no, dialogue is not a step-by-step, how-to-do process, but rather a how-to-stay-out-of-trouble one. The longer you continue with family hour, the more you will get from it; and in order to succeed you donʼt need a stratospheric IQ, a charismatic personality, or a salesmanʼs gift of gab. The big secret, rather, lies in keeping steady at the wheel in facilitating the agenda, while at the same time flexible about shifting gears when needed; being diligent in keeping the discussion moving along, but quick to step in to shortcircuit destructive interaction; and staying in touch with your sense of humor, especially the ability to laugh at yourself. What is more, faith in the long-range benefits that await xi household members will strengthen you with perseverance. There no doubt will occur rough moments as you move along, but for the most part your sessions should be really interesting, and hopefully loads of fun. We wish you much success and good fortune in the weeks and months ahead. xii