Cooking Your Way To Custody

If you picked this book up, you are going through a divorce, you have a close relationship with someone going through a divorce, or you want to have a close relationship with somebody going through a divorce. You are not alone. Millions of men have been down the same road. I’ve been down that road. In fact, I’ve been there and back. I married a woman lawyer (for less than two years) and it took me four years and a court battle royal to get divorced. I went through three lawyers and three judges and I finally got custody of my kids. And I got divorced in Manhattan where they castrate a dozen successful bond traders everyday before lunchtime. Robin Williams said it best: divorce is that medical procedure where they extract your wallet through your penis. You have now entered a world created by bribe taking state legislators who are supposedly taking the interest of your children into account. Children, of course, don’t vote. Well organized, men-hating feminist grour, do. Wake up to the basic facts. If the kids are young, your soon to be ex-wife is going to get them. Even if you can prove she is a drug addict or turning tricks, your chances only improve marginally. You, however, can do damage control. The court wants the non-custodial parent to “be involved.” If you are involved, you are a good guy. Good guys pay less, get to see their kids more and are taken seriously when serious issues arise. Divorce is a non-Euclidian world. Geometrically speaking, that means that the shortest distance between two points is not a straight line. In the normal or Euclidian world, good things are good things and bad thing are bad things. For example, in the normal world you get a letter and the Internal Revenue Service tells you that you have made a mistake – you paid them too much and you are receiving a tax refund. Check enclosed. Good thing. Not in the world of divorce. A tax refund is a bad thing. First of all, it is not really your money. According to your ex-wife, it is her money and if you don’t give it to her right away, then her lawyer will file a motion and by the time he is done, his fees will equal the tax refund. Important lesson: all of those assets you accumulated during your marriage are not really your assets. They belong to your ex-wife’s lawyer and the only way to stop him from getting all of them is to stop fighting. Unfortunately, there is the small matter of the terms of surrender. Ex-wives don’t think like George Washington. There is nothing noble about them. Surrender is expensive and they don’t play inspirational music in divorce court. If you are a woman and still reading this, you need to put it down and discuss it immediately with your therapist. If you don’t have a therapist, get one. You are a strategic, scheming bitch with pronounced psycho tendencies. Now is the moment of decision for you remaining male readers. You are going to have to make decisions that affect your blood line for generations to come and may possibly stretch out into eternity. Actually, I am kind of exaggerating. It is perfectly okay to completely give up on your children, buy a sports car and start screwing women twenty years your junior. You can make up for it with expensive presents to your children. If you follow this path, your family name will continue for many future generations to be associated with the lowest order of societal scum. Life is unfair, but you can still make a stand. I realize the entire divorce system is designed to inflict pain similar to that of a root canal (without anesthesia) and finally make you stop caring. After all, divorce means that your ex-wife (who in other historical epochs would now be cleaning whatever they then used as toilets) may second guess every thing you do, with the aid of a slimy, overpaid grease ball lawyer who is probably fucking her or one of her friends when he is not lying in court to a judge that always seems to be his or her best friend (and maybe even the judge’s election campaign chairman). Nonetheless, make a stand. If you want to be counted in the future by your character instead of the genetic coding contained in a single one of your sperm, read on. This is a short book and it still took a long time to write. I had to actually cook all of this stuff at least twice and make sure the recipes worked. So don’t blame me if your microwave oven has too many watts. I also had to get over a lot of angry impulses, which I have to admit I am still not entirely over. All that’s here is the basics to get you started. If you get with the program, you will mature and grow on your own and even email recipes to other guys similarly situated. This book is basically (well, almost basically) practical kitchen and supermarket advice. Why you need to cook for your children – a historical perspective Humans evolved from tribes of hunter/gatherers. The critical act that supported more evolved societies was the mastery of fire. Of course, once a fire is started somebody needs to keep it going. The more intelligent sex (that is, women) rapidly relegated to themselves the task of fire tender or the keeper of the hearth. This is, of course, a very smart move. Would you rather be in a warm cave tending a fire or out trampling around some glacier trying to stab a giant mastodon to death with a wooden spear? With fire tending, cooking and childrearing became adjunct vocations. Infants require warmth and food requires heat – especially some of the tougher cuts of mastodon meat. Women became the masters of the cave, which later evolved into the household. Unfortunately, these primitive feelings of the natural order in cave man times still infect custody decisions. There were a few periods in history where children were considered property and the guy got them automatically, particularly if the wife was unfaithful. But these rules were rejected because of “modernity,” which, in other words, is a rabid belief in the primitive order.