Growth Through Loss & Change, Volume I

Dying Fully Healed Broken unto Death? The impetus of the dying person is to work hard and diligently toward dying fully healed. The natural drive of the grievers is to utilize the dying process as a healing growth progression in their own lives. Neither dying nor grieving is a pathological happening. It is a natural process. Nature provides this time for the survival of the species and growth of individuals. Look at the efforts of a dying person who has a good growth and development foundation, is somewhat free of excruciating pain, and clear of mind. He works conscientiously at dying fully healed in all the components of his self. Yes, his body, broken unto death, ready for the transition, whatever that means according to the philosophy of the dying person. Let’s look at the basic questions terminally ill people ask? In the following section are some of the concerns we hear patients asking help with and information about. Stages of Dying The following are some of practical approaches to the styles of dying. There are many different ways families have of dealing with their dying experience and each is appropriate if it is according to their life-style and background. You want to assess the situation making sure that there is healthy communication and that closures are being done. If you see unhealthy coping you want to intervene to set the scene for healthy managing by verbalizing permissions, providing resources, and giving positive reinforcement when it is implemented. It is important that you continuously bring to mind that this is a learning stage where the actors, because of stress, are impelled to use their familiar coping patterns. But in the next dying situation they will have had the time to consider and implement the healthy ideas you are sharing now. The results of your work are months and years down the road. Family Myths All families have myths. We all think we know who will be there, who will avoid, who will be strong, who will be weak, who will need our protection, and who we can count on. Oftentimes, that is not what actually happens. Each person responds according to his or her life as it is up to that moment. It is likely to be different than anyone imagined. It may be that the strong one is dying, the, “always be there,” person is avoiding, the, “unable to stomach it,” person is the one who cleans the patient, and the one everyone protected takes over leadership. With so many shifts, the family system is vulnerable. The family system is pregnant to seeds for family discontent; or ready to take on new healthy ways of thinking and behaving. It is a time when new behaviors are easily integrated. There is a myth that grief pulls families together. That is not true. The greatest need in grief is for an objective outside helping person to give, “gentle permissions.” ***** Sudden Death Crisis There are typical ways in which people react. You may react in one way at one death event but later at another death you may find yourself in an entirely different emotional state. This is appropriate. Please prepare yourself to accept yourself as the person you are at that movement. There is no judgment on the reactions, they just are. As the support person, friend, family, work, or church community, you want to know the best way to be supportive when you stand by the victims of sudden death. The most important thing to remember is that grief will take a long time. The foundation for healthy grief work is being made in the moments of this crisis time. Much of what you orchestrate around the body at the scene of the death, what you facilitate, what the mourner hears from medical and spiritual people, what is done with and to the body at the scene, hospital, and place it is pronounced dead, is the substance that the psychic will use over and over again as the person tries to make sense out of life, death, and spirituality. From this the mourner must develop a philosophy of love and loss that enables them to gather all the gifts of having that dead person in their lives but without their physical presence. ***** Clarice’s Definition of Burnout Burnout is what happens at that time of your life when your ability to assess needs and your personal skills to fill those needs out-rank what can be achieved in a 24-hour day. It happens when you are competent. You can see the need and know that you can fill the need well. You have the desire and the want to, but there are not enough clock hours to do it. At that time there is a new growth and development task. To continue on in life with wellness you have to develop the ability to say no, even though you have the ability to fulfill the need and would love doing it. There are not enough hours in the day, or days in the week to use all your talents. Now you need to look at your values and prioritize your spirit-self first. When looking at holistic needs, usually the first need to be given up is spiritual. Persons give up time to read reflective material, enjoy the river at sunset, dream with a song, listen to their spirit, time to rock in the rocker on the porch and listen to the crickets. The second most often given up need is physical; persons skip these in favor of taking on increased obligations. You need to do a holistic self-care plan marking the clock hours. It needs to cover a minimum two-week span. Yes, burnout is real. I have heard many speakers say it is not. In my experience, something happens. I have heard, “God didn’t make me to burnout.” and, “Be sure that burnout is not cop-out.” I say, “Call it what you wish; but the burning is real.”