A LIVING LOSS: Surviving Separation From a Loved One

A LIVING LOSS: Surviving Enforced separation from a loved one.< living="" losses="" are="" many.="" the="" loss="" of="" a="" living="" relationship,="" terminated="" by="" a="" family="" member="" (enforcer)="" is="" soul="" wounding.="" resolution="" is="" extremely="" difficult="" and="" deep="" sorrow="" remains.="" the="" enforced="" person="" most="" often="" grieves="" alone="" with="" little="" support,="" and="" is="" shocked="" when="" the="" connection="" ends.="" through="" this="" healing="" journey,="" probably="" for="" the="" first="" time,="" the="" enforced="" person="" finds="" support,="" important="" strategies,="" information,="" resolves="" grief="" and="" decreases="" the="" probability="" of="" serious="" illness.="" physical="" loss="" through="" death="" is="" painful="" and="" distressing.="" this="" grief="" is="" most="" often="" resolved.="" the="" loss="" of="" a="" living="" relationship="" is="" soul="" wounding.="" resolution="" is="" difficult="" and="" deep="" sorrow="" often="" remains="" untouched.="" mindful="" based="" and="" cognitive="" strategies,="" relaxation="" techniques="" and="" detailed="" information="" are="" found="" throughout="" this="" book="" which="" help="" to="" facilitate="" difficult="" grief="" resolution="" of="" a="" living="" loss="" and="" decrease="" probability="" of="" serious="">

There are no parameters set around the time to mourn. It is a unique and personal experience. Traditionally, we speak of a loss when a person close to us dies. This is a physical loss. We will never see that person in a living dimension again. It is a time of bereavement. We are surrounded by friends, family, co-workers and community. People offer support, both formally and informally when we experience the loss of a loved one.

Losses are experienced in other ways, such as losing a job, a friend or our health. There are losses with moving, becoming chronically ill; we might become incapacitated or incarcerated. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, we incur losses. There are many living losses.

A living loss is different from a physical loss. A LIVING LOSS, Surviving The Loss of a Loved One, focuses on the exploration of a living loss, in a situation where a person becomes estranged (the enforced) from a family member (the enforcer). The enforcer could also be a friend, a co-worker or a partner. Simply, we are discussing the experience of a living person (the enforced), who has no control over the termination of an important relationship with a family member (the enforcer). The book theme centers on the enforced loss and offers a very necessary validation and empathy to the grieving person who often grieves alone, as well as numerous important information and strategies to help resolve the grief which is incurred with a living loss.

It is important to note that the lack of family support and perceived (by the enforced) physical distancing by the extended family is often a factor. Family members often deny or are not aware of the depth of estrangement. The family is frequently ‘not there’ emotionally for the enforced person who has feelings of betrayal, having lost trust in them. Emotional connection and support is extremely important in any relationship.

It is my belief that depression, anxiety, stress, burnout and, other indicators including those of physical illness, may be revealed because of unresolved living losses. For those who have experienced such a devastating loss – first and most importantly it is essential that someone listens to their story. People need to know that their feelings were, and still, are valid. These feelings run deep and are most often difficult to resolve.

In time, those who are resolving a living loss need to begin observing themselves within the context of their relationships, and to resist feeling like a victim while exploring the lost connection. Learning about important research regarding the connection of disease to unresolved loss is also important. For those living with unresolved grief, becoming aware of the high risk for acute illnesses and terminal/chronic disease like cancer and cardiac ailments is a serious motivation for resolving a living loss. Grieving occurs within different time variables often bringing diverse and undesired mental and physical consequences to each person.

Sophie’s experience, as a fictional character allows me to present my observations. I am able to share with you the healing journey which is necessary, in order to resolve the grief of enforced estrangement. Her story is anecdotal (evidence in the form of a narrative). It gives a background from which we can begin to understand how the experience of an enforced relationship can happen to us. When we become aware of the complexity and depth of the structure in any family, we gain more understanding, move out of the shock stage and begin healing.

Frequently, family members choose not to discuss the situation with the enforced person. They wish to remain connected with the enforcer. One socialized family myth implies that through thick and thin the family needs to stay together. Often this perception leads to feelings of guilt and results in the estranged person choosing not to share the experience with others. The enforced feels vulnerable when approaching family members only to be met with a negative response. The feelings of betrayal and guilt are extremely deep. To suddenly be an outsider is a painful living. loss.

A lost relationship is a living loss. There has been a total estrangement between two family members. One person has discerned that a previously significant individual is no longer important in his/her life. Relationships are a basic component of our lives. They are connections that involve every part of our existence. Through relationships we gain our sense of who we are, and how we fit into the world around us. They work to help us know and understand what is authentic and what our priorities in life are.

We become very anxious and insecure when relationships end. These feelings are magnified when the break has been enforced upon us. We experience a crisis of connectedness. We lose the sense of who we are. We feel anxiety and sometimes lose our sense of reality. We experience a tremendous amount of shock, stress, and grief during the loss of this relationship.

Most often, the enforced relationship loss is an area where the necessary grief work is not done. The following may complicate and extend the grieving process of a living loss:

1) The lack of any ritual display
2) The lack of support from those around the grieving person.
3) The prevention of a ‘life review’ for the person grieving.

IMPORTANT - To this list, we can add the feelings of guilt and the responsibility that the enforced person feels for breaking the myth that the family must remain together regardless of circumstances. This most often prevents the person from reaching out to family, friends, or professionals. It blocks the healing process.
Reading How To Survive Estranged Separation From a Family Member: A Living Loss is a healing journey. As you open your heart to resolving grief through certain mindful strategies and techniques, you will emerge as a renewed and different person. Inner peace, acceptance and happiness are the gifts you will receive, whether or not the relationship bond of that desired connection are continued.