Someone's Diary

I Want To Reveal Myself To The World Through My Writing I want every one to know that my concepts are real. The manner in which I write sometimes makes me look as if I am disturbed. Life brings many different burdens upon each and every one of us. These are mine. Nevertheless, I am always conscious and in control. Logic and common sense remain in my heart dominating my every decision so as not to make any irrational decisions that are either harmful to others or to myself. I wrote my life as it really has been. Some call it a journal, a diary, a book. To me it is truth, pain and all my love. It is not easy living today with yesterday’s everlasting tormented memories. My only desire is to advance, to go ahead and show all those who thought me inferior that I am just as they are. What I write down may seem useless, unreal, fantasy, a dream, but not to me. These are the very things which have created my personality. My life has always been a closed book, a book that everyone wanted to know, to search and finally to destroy. My writing reveals my secret world, the world in which I have lived all my life. It is a world that no one has been in but me, a forbidden world. Sincerely yours, Gustavo Agosto. I want no one to perceive or to explore my inner self In my inner self, I live in my other world. I loved before and was not loved back. I admired someone before, yet no one admired me. I saw people as my friends yet many were my enemies. I felt afraid, worried and even bewildered about people. Those who were my friends were in a matter of seconds my enemies. If I was happy, I became sad, depressed, and lonely. I felt isolated from the world, from my friends, from everyone. I trusted no one. I believed no one and confided in no one. I was alone. No one could, or would understand what I was going through. I became confused because I couldn’t understand this sadness, this incomprehensible situation. I questioned myself about things which I was certain about. In school the teacher was not in the classroom, yet I opened the door several times to make sure he was in the class, knowing that he would have to pass by me to go in. I still checked. I was not sure if what I saw was reality. I opened the door and checked. Still more confused and unable to know why I am questioning myself. What is wrong with me? What am I going through? I questioned my friends just to make sure they weren’t my enemies. I questioned my thoughts to make sure I was right when I knew I was right. In a matter of minutes my whole life became a question. Are my classmates my friends? Do they laugh at me? Who am I in their eyes? How do they view me? Everyone and everything I questioned not knowing why? I even questioned why I was questioning my life, my future and my friends. Questions were not enough. I wanted answers. Because I was unable to get them, my life became an angry one. My life was bitter, and my friends were sour. I turned into a huge ball of burning hell inside of me. I wanted to avenge this anger, this bitterness into other people. But I knew that I could not do that, so I blamed it all on me. I was the cause, and I was the enemy. I became more and more furious, full of hatred towards myself, towards everyone. I could not think properly, act correctly or even speak right. I wanted out. I didn’t want to see, speak, listen or hear people. I wanted to walk endless miles, just walk and walk and walk. Until this frustration, this anger, this bitterness, until this huge ball of burning hell was calmed down, it became a burning hell inside of me like a volcano just waiting for the right time and place to erupt. After it had erupted, I would have to put my life back together like a puzzle. Still I had many more questions as to where parts belong in the puzzle of my life. My life to me became an alien, a stranger, and at times an obstacle. It was an obstacle that stood between me and the answer to all my questions. I have never figured out how to break out, destroy and do away with this obstacle. How could I destroy something that I couldn’t see, feel or hear? Sometimes I didn’t know if something was real or not. There were more questions and fewer answers. I really didn’t know what was happening. Not knowing the answers, new questions developed. Insecurity was part of my daily life for I felt insecure about things. I had no confidence in myself. I was impatient and troubled about things. You name the problem, and I had it. I felt hunger, hunger for love, hunger for confidence, hunger for trust, hunger for friendship, and hunger for the peace that I did not know. Not sure, I was still questioning and was completely puzzled. I would go to sleep only to wander around my small bed, and to try to sleep in the nightmare of my life. I lay awake with a continuous desire to fall asleep. I tried to forget everything while I knew that the next day would be but another day of torture. It would be another day of misery, of unsolved questions about my life and about my personality. I will not surrender for I have a strong desire in me to go ahead. Truthfully yours, Gustavo Agosto. To the one I love My chest is full of pain Yet I don’t feel any. The pain is from love, Love that drives me crazy, Love that gets me confused, And I don’t know what to do. Teardrops are like my blood Dripping from my heart and going to my eyes Taking every second out of my life. It is very hard to stop it when there’s nothing I can do about it. My chest just keeps on aching Every time I hear her name Because l love her and She doesn’t know anything about it. I’ve always loved and admired her even if She doesn’t know it. No matter what she does, No matter what she says, All that I know is that I love her. She has beautiful eyes And I like the way she dresses I love everything about her Just because I love her. Love is crazy and so am I. But all I know is that I love her with all my precious heart. I only have one heart, and That’s all I can share. I’m so cold ! I’m so cold ! I wish I was wa rm Have you ever explored the unknown, what is dark for your eyes, mind and soul and suddenly come to a state of fear, of awe? I have! I have seen my brother’s darkness, his inner self. I try to, I mean I really, really try with all my strength to hold my tears, but the pains and agonies are far too great to be concealed. I must help him. He is in great danger. I must try to restrain my tears. They are dripping from my eyes far too fast in the cold and silence of the night. My eyes have become hot and reddish. My lungs are full of pain, and my mind is full of puzzled questions. Oh my God! What will my brother do? He is so lonely. I have tried to show him that he can come to me to cry and to tell me all of his pains and sorrows. But I have failed. I must show him my tears because he truly deserves them, and it is the only way that he will see that I want to help him. I will write my brother’s exact words. They are just one aspect of what goes through his mind. It is also his actual writing not mine. This is how my brother feels: If we watch TV in her room, she either gets mad or changes the channel. Margie doesn’t care. I didn’t ask my mother when she was going to fix our T.V. Gustavo asked her, but all she told him was that she had to pay a lot of bills. I was also mad but didn’t have the guts to tell her a lot of things that I wanted to. Gustavo and I were against her. Margie was in favor of her. I mean, I could understand that she has a lot of bills to pay, but she blames it on us when she is also to blame. She uses the sewing machine almost every day, and she leaves the lights and TV on in her room even when she is not using them. She has no mercy for herself. When the bills come, whether they are small or big, she tells us not to use the telephone or lights too much. Please don’t thi