Intimacy and Friendship

About the Book

Couples revitalize their relationships by using Patrick O'Brian's stories from a masculine world of the Napoleon Era and the narrative therapy guidelines tailored to modern day problems. The book guides men, who are practiced at "fixing" problems, to learn to speak more openly about their feelings and mistakes without demolishing their self-esteem. Using narrative therapy couples learn to appreciate or tolerate fundamental differences; to inspire each other to creativity; to make amends to partners and children for being left behind; and to understand how to deal with anxiety caused by separation or past trauma and other problems.

Narrative therapy is simple, yet effective. Couples can expect changes that are subtle, but decisive, as they use O'Brian's passages as springboards to discussions of critical issues in their relationships. This book does not promise quick fixes for sexual difficulties, but it shows the way to make one's partner feel loved and appreciated immediately, as well as over the long haul. Intimacy and Friendship: How Patrick O'Brian's Stories Can Save Your Love Life takes up the question of how subtle flirting, bantering, laughter, and shared dream may keep the flame of interest alive over time and stave off boredom. As researchers, Wallerstein and Blakeslee, say: " 'in a good marriage, it can't be Me-Me-Me, it's gotta be Us-Us-Us'." A good book on relationships must concentrate on the "us" rather than the "me." The focus of Intimacy and Friendship: How Patrick O'Brian's Stories Can Save Your Love Life is always on cultivating a successful relationship between two diverse, tolerant individuals.

The idea for this book grew out of my work as a psychotherapist with couples in which the men seldom read psychology books or self-help literature and their wives or partners longed for greater intimacy and communication. I found that men, who prefer to tackle practical problems, resist "lessons" about the complexities of relationships. However, I discovered that many of these men were already fascinated by Patrick O'Brian's historical novels about the bold, no-nonsense Captain John Aubrey of the Royal Navy and his thoughtful, compassionate, friend, Dr. Stephen Maturin. Since reviewers of O'Brian's bestselling epic novels praised his psychological wisdom, I turned to the Aubrey-Maturin series to find a way to reach the men of action, who were eluding me. Consider the following scene.

"The new internist didn't even read my chart before talking to me," Susan tells her husband, David, in a voice high with anger. "And then he wants to discontinue the meds Dr. Samuel started."
"Don't let your anger eat you up," David advises, as he puts down his papers from the office and takes off his coat.
"I think I have a right to be angry," Susan replies, in an aggrieved tone.
"Well, I've found that you have to believe that good things will happen. Being irritated will get you nowhere," David continues in a confident tone.

"I'm disappointed in you, David," she says with a note of disbelief. "I thought you would understand my feelings and cheer me on." "Getting upset with me won't help matters," he says, turning to face her. "I find that we solve problems better in my work group, if we leave emotions behind."

"Of course, you're working with engineers on practical problems. I'm not an engineer. I'm your wife!"

"Yes, and you're having a problem with your anger."

"And your unruffled coolness is the answer?"

"Do I really seem unruffled?" he asks with some astonishment.

"Cool as a surgeon about to operate. Only please don't operate on me," she says, turning her back and walking away.

This kind of clash surprises partners who think they are being reasonable and helpful. Unfortunately, by trying to fix a problem, they fail to hear the emotional impact of the words being said. Often such conflicts escalate into expressions of contempt and partners grow distant. Surprisingly enough, Patrick O'Brian's mesmerizing stories can be useful in helping couples get past such concrete thinking. O'Brian's vivid imagery can help them understand complicated feelings. By elaborating on O'Brian's stories I found an avenue by which to reach the action-minded men and their frustrated partners in psychotherapy. I use elements of narrative therapy that emphasize play, humor, and the flame of past and present illusions. Couples look at their relationship through the lens of O'Brian's characters and this new perspective stimulates insight.

My narrative therapy involves three elements.

The first element involves identification with the characters in the story. The process of identification helps couples find new resources within themselves. When I engage couples in narrative therapy, I find they enjoy identifying with different characters in a story and they take pride in the passion, thoughtfulness, or other qualities with which they identify. Partners can diagnosis their own missteps through the identification process without fear of revealing some pathology. This adds an ingredient of playfulness in the serious business of changing old patterns of interaction.

The second element is the moral of the story. O'Brian's stories prove useful in explaining complex connections between intimacy, anger, fear, and jealousy. I borrow different stories from O'Brian in the various chapters. They dramatize, for example, the power of the inner world of unconscious desires; the difficulties caused by awkward expressions of affection; the link between increased intimacy and a fear of separation that triggers aggression; the high cost that abandonment exerts from families; the origins of jealousy; and the way conflicts deteriorate into contempt.

The third element is to identify with the qualities that constitute a resilient and creative relationship, and these components are attachment, nurturance, playfulness, and a sense of togetherness. To do this I suggest that they spend a few moments recalling the joyful moments of the past. I would ask them to bring to mind the time that they met or when they first were attracted to each other.

About the Author

Decades of intense and successful therapy with hundreds of couples and individuals at a large medical group in the Silicon Valley and revelations from hundreds of university students have provided Dr. Ringenson with case material from which to sketch composite examples of how modern-day individuals and couples might use O'Brian's stories to change their lives.

Storytelling or narrative therapy has proved extremely effective for her clients. Long years of study and supervised sessions with well-known psychoanalysts and with couples researchers have taken her beyond the superficial level of helping clients simply adjust to their situation.

She earned her Ph.D. degree from the University of Stockholm, where she served on the faculty for ten years and trained and worked as a psychologist. Upon returning to the United States, she was chosen as Clinical Director for the mental health clinic in Cordova, Alaska. She continued her work with couples in Cheyenne and in the Silicon Valley. As a member of the Northern California Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology she learned how to apply theories from the Object Relations School when working with couples. She also studied with the Gottman Institute for research on marital satisfaction.

Interest in difficulties that many men have in expressing feelings or understanding the results of traumatic events lead her to develop her own style of therapeutic workshops that have helped couples greatly. She has supervised psychology assistants who wished to adopt her unique method of couples counseling. Community organizations in the Silicon Valley have invited her in to arrange and lead workshops for them on treatment guidelines. As her Head of Department at the University of Stockholm wrote about her: "We, her colleagues, found her to be a true generator of knowledge."