The Ecology of Conversation

Introduction

“In the seeing of who you are not, the reality of who you are emerges by itself.”

Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Authentic conversation—the kind where all participants are comfortable in their own skin and eager to exchange thoughts on what they know, feel or question—is a panacea. I crave this juicy genre of interaction—where we reveal our inner workings and share what’s real, important, joyful, sad or confusing in our lives. I revel in the subsequent feelings of primal connectivity with the human race and feel cleansed when I’ve actively participated. From a personal satisfaction perspective, these conversations rank right up there with mutual intimacy with my partner, a great night’s sleep, a wonderful book and adventure travel.

But great conversations create something even more enduring. They generate mutual learning, empathy, problem solving, conflict resolution, innovation and that ever-so-important sense of well-being and belonging that leads to a long and authentically lived life. For me, there is little more satisfying than an “a’ha” moment born of a group of openhearted, excited and committed people.

Why do you suppose some of our most lively, salient, and heartfelt conversations are around a bottle of wine? Why are some of our best friendships generated in this scenario? Why do we require a relaxant to feel comfortable engaging with others on an intimate level? With the pleasure so palatable, why is this depth and freedom of expression so illusive?

We—in the Western world—have a multitude of answers, all of which carry seeds of truth:

• our culture of speed and competition—we’re busy,
• families dotted all over the map—we’re distant,
• frequent job switching—we’re driven,
• a corporate climate of greed and stockholder value—we’re guarded,
• a widening divide among political parties—we’re angry.
• email, voicemail, text, Google—we’re efficient and … (dis)connected.

Yikes! Enough! Logical reasons all. But it doesn’t make our deficiency of salient human interaction right. It just makes it dismally so.

When is the last time you sat down with others and said, let’s really talk? Let’s learn things from each other. Let’s put our differences aside and create a new truth, new meaning? Let’s evolve. I get excited just writing about it.

The Courage to Commit

The painful truth is—this is not easy to pull off. In fact, it seems to be getting more difficult. For this scenario to manifest, many things—that seem to be getting scarcer—are involved. To mention a few, transformational conversations require:

• time
• commitment
• real listening
• an open heart
• a beginner’s mind
• awareness of one’s preconceived notions
• a keen eye toward others’ responses
• a desire to receive
• a desire to contribute
• the condition of equality

But most of all they require courage, the courage to reveal—and then loosen—one’s hold on long held judgments and beliefs. This—most likely reluctant—letting go causes a blurring of one’s identity. This blurring causes a battle with one’s ego. This battle causes a barely conscious fear of losing oneself in the void—or looking just plain stupid. And this fear, Dear One, is the adversary of authentic interaction. We’re afraid and possibly not even aware of our fear.

Yet most of us would rather live in a nebulous state of fear than open up to the gratification of an emotional, intellectual or spiritual world beyond our own. Good, bad, or indifferent—most of us are comfortable where we are. The challenge of rewarding conversation becomes: how does one overcome the fear of loss associated with acquiring the courage and skill sets necessary for deep and generative interactions? It begins here and now.

Why “The Ecology of Conversation?”

The Greek roots of the word ecology are ecos or oikos—translated as “home or place to live in;” and logos—translated as “word, thought, principle, study, speech.” The word “ecology” is defined as the complex of relations between a specific organism and its environment. For our purposes, we are the organism—composed of mind and body—and our environment is the web of people around us—our relationships. So ecology—in the pages that follow—may be loosely translated as the study of the thoughts, principles and words that reside in us and thus influence our interactions with others.

The Latin roots of the word conversation are many—actually too many to cover in their entirety. But basically, the Latin for “con” means “with” or “jointly.” And “vers” or “vert” mean “to turn.” As such “conversare” is translated as “to turn to one another.”

So the meaning of “The Ecology of Conversation” is to turn to oneself and others—that we might discover those influences, past and present, which are affecting our interactions with self and others.

Our ability to interact authentically—or not—is a reflection of these influences. Because we are conditioned to our own particular mindset, it takes commitment to gain awareness of the inner ecology of one’s reactions and responses—especially those that are unconscious or automatic. It takes courage to question and eventually alter them. One may ask:

How is my ego-mind translating a certain person, her actions or words?

How will this message affect my responses to this person?

How will it affect my ability to hear this person?

How will it affect my ability to speak authentically to this person?

From where did this conditioned response materialize?

Can I accept that I may be wrong or that I have more to learn?

What prejudices am I projecting onto this person or situation?

As you can see, deep and generative interaction is not simply a matter of honing one’s listening or social skills. Rather, it requires knowing oneself well enoughto freely put that knowing aside.

Inner Ecology – Outer Ecology

The pages that follow are in two sections and will move from microcosm (conversations with yourself) to macrocosm (conversations with others). In Part I, I encourage you to examine your inner ecology; e.g., “what ingrained messages involuntarily influence my interactions with others?” Its purpose is to shed light on your embedded and automatic responses. You’ll gain conscious awareness of baggage, cultural influences and prejudices from your past, that are preventing you from moving forward in your quest for meaningful conversation and relationships today. This will be in the form of stories, information and self-exploratory activities. These are chapters 1–8.

In Part II, we move from inner ecology to outer ecology. Its purpose is to direct your newfound self-awareness toward deeper and more authentic interactions with others. In it, you will examine the energy of your thoughts on the spoken word. You will acquire generative conversational skills. You will gain the ability to let others into your hearts, where previously there was no room. You will improve your listening skills. I offer practical guidelines for practice and eventual mastery of deep and meaningful conversation. Finally, I suggest ways in which you might form your own group of committed conversationalists. These are chapters 9–16.

At the end of each chapter, I offer thought-questions relative to the subject matter. You are strongly encouraged to consider these questions and record your conclusions. Doing so will strengthen and solidify your learning experience. Some require little time—others require more. Use your best judgment as to how much time you will invest. I believe that optimal learning will occur if you explore your answers and share your insights in a group setting. So consider forming a book club aroundThe Ecology of Conversation. I suggest you buy a journal to record your thoughts, revelations and musings.