Razor Here: Rantings of a Silly Old Man

Razor is an elderly curmudgeon whose philosophy of life is simple: I can’t beat ‘em, and I sure as hell won’t join ‘em, so I’ll cut ‘em to shreds with my pen.

Razor Here: Rantings of a Silly Old Man<\u> is a compilation of short stories. Some are humorous, others make fun of politics and society, and a couple items are quite serious.

Razor and his wife, Squatty Body, are quite the pair to draw to. He used to be an athletic 6’8”, 335lb, but age and gravity have mercilessly attacked him and Razor has shrunk to 6’3”. Of course his weight has also fallen from his chest to his gut and butt. Squatty is only 5’2” and is “healthy” for her age. This means that she has no wrinkles and keeps them away with a high caloric intake.

Razor has a number of health issues. He has diverticulitis, esophagitis, diabetes, spondylosis, Charcot’s foot, neuropathy, endometriosis—oops, that might be a distinctly female problem—and a deviated septum. He blames all of these issues on Wife the Chef’s cooking. “Why?” you ask. BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD ANY OF THIS CRAP BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED.

Wife the Chef has a number of recipes that would gag a maggot. Her Crematorium Chicken is cooked in 30w motor oil at 2000* for four minutes. She sometimes has to drive a long distance to find the makings of her Arsenic-Roadkill Stew. Her Mentholatum-Peanut Butter Casserole is beyond comprehension. The recipe for Carp on a Board requires one to place the fish on a hickory board, cook for 12 hours at 400*, remove from the oven, throw away the fish and eat the board. And Wife’s Tamale Pie burned a rather large hole in the cement driveway.

Razor has a host of acquaintances…no friends, just acquaintances. And they view their relationship with him in the same manner. Razor has opinions on everything with expertise on nothing. Golf, for example, is supposed to be a gentlemen’s game with defined rules of conduct. HORSE FEATHERS!!! He attacks his golfing buddies at will. This gives him a real advantage when they have a contest for dimes and quarters. He will intentionally vomit or break wind— skills he has learned as a result of eating Wife the Chef’s cooking— in the middle of an opponent’s backswing.

Razor and Wife the Wife/ the Case Manager/ the Back Seat Driver/ the Navigator/ the Domestic Czar/ the Nurse, etc., are at odds about most things. Cooperative efforts almost always end in disaster. They have never traveled to any part of the world, including their own town, without getting lost. Their ineptitude in domestic construction and repairs is epic and hilarious.

Razor is also a harsh critic of everything from television to college sports, from education to court rulings. His satirical approach to these issues is merciless. On the home front, he is at war with his tools—they gouge, nick, and slash vulnerable digits and toes. He knows that there is a giant conspiracy to get him; he just doesn’t know which instrument will cause his demise.

Other characters are almost real life beings. They include Lot Lizard Larry, one of the scrawniest people in the world whose huge nose and shiny bald head are great distractions on the golf course; Guido, who is so cheap that he has the first dollar ever made; Dickie, the little man with a huge heart; Wife #1, Cuz Danny, Cuz Mike, Uncle Mark, Uncle Howard, Pa, Ma, Bro, the kids and grandkids, and a host of others.