The Couple’s Match Book

There are several meanings for the process of finding and making a match. From a purely biological perspective such a process is necessary for our survival. From an emotional perspective the process of finding, making, maintaining, and even enriching an intimate partnership is one of the most challenging adult development tasks. With the rise of the internet, matches have been made through that medium. That’s one play on words from the title. Then there is the match book itself. That’s where I’ve used the development process of fire. “There was a spark” is one way first attractions have been described. The development process of relationships is then followed with the adjectives of lighting, re-kindling and extinguishing the flame which comes from initial sparks. For some individuals the coupling process is fairly straight forward. In many cultures marriages are arranged for example. In others, the process consists of forging an intimate relationship and maintaining it throughout the adult life cycle literally “until death do us part.” And then there are the rest of us. In the spirit of “you teach best what you most need to learn” concept I have been on both sides of the couples counseling table. I have had two marriages of 13 years each. I lived with another woman in a common law marriage for three years. As a licensed psychologist for 33 years and a licensed professional counselor-supervisor for two years, I’ve also shared the many roller coaster rides of the coupling and uncoupling process. One of the most challenging situations for me as a therapist has been when a couple comes for counseling and one hopes I can help them save their marriage while the other already has one foot out the door. That often but not always involves a new flame-filled intimate relationship. Getting them on the same page often means confronting that discrepancy. I’ve also learned the value of focus in my times with such couples. One concrete way of changing the frequent focus of blame and anger sounds like this: “Apart what is going on between the two of you right now, I’d like you to consider the intra-personal consequences of your possible separation. Often underneath the anger between you and your partner, there is an even deeply experienced grief at the loss of a dream. There are many dreams you had for both you and your partner in this relationship.” The anger often melts into tears of genuine sadness. “Grief is the price of caring” I say. “And in many ways a divorce is more challenging that a death because you partner is still alive.” I am also a university teacher and a researcher. I have both taught marriage and family courses. I continually research proven theories and intervention techniques. Since 1993 I have written a quarterly column called “for couples” in The Family Journal: Counseling and therapy for couples and families. It is the journal of the International Association of Marriage and Family therapists which is a division of the American Counseling Association. Most of the time I have collaborated with colleagues who are making positive contributions to counseling couples. The column features activities couples can do with themselves for their own relationship development, maintenance, and renewal. Often the extinguishing part of the cycle is best helped by a trusted Religious or Spiritual Teacher, and/or a psychologist, counselor or social worker. From those columns I’ve put together The Couple’s Match Book: Lighting, Re-Kindling, or Extinguishing the Flame. My contributing colleagues and I have attempted to combine relationship theory in practical ways you as a couple can utilize that wisdom in your own partnership. One of the consequences with an obsession with work is that often time is not spent nurturing the partnership at home. Five hours a week has been shown by John Gottman and Nan Shivers to significantly improve relationships. In my column and in this book I have adopted the following four-fold relationship assessment tools proposed by Jay Haley in his book Uncommon Therapy (1973/1993): 1. Understanding and respecting personality differences 2. Role Perceptions: The job description each of you has for each other; are you on the same page (goal alignment is how Adlerian therapists call it) 3. Communication skills: They are a skill that can be learned, practiced, and improved if each of you is willing 4. Problem solving skills: Couples who stay together tend to have no fewer actual challenges than do couples who divorce; what distinguishes them is a problem-solving versus blame and punishment perspective The Couple’s Match Book: Lighting, Re-Kindling, or Extinguishing the Flame is organized by first featuring an relationship theory and research. Activities are featured for assessment purposes. Four sections follow that focus on personality, role perceptions, communication, and problem-solving as described above. A brief review of some literature and/or an actual case study is then presented. Implications and applications for you as a couple conclude the activity. The final section of the book are personal stories written by couples themselves. I find them inspiring. This is where real life experiences are shared by individuals and couples who have shown the courage to be transparent with you. The Couple’s Match Book: Lighting, Re-Kindling, or Extinguishing the Flame can be useful for couples in the pre-commitment phase, the maintenance and renewal phase, and also as a way of helping conceptualize issues in the ending of a relationship. While written to be an activity for you as a couple, you are invited to complete the activities and/or to discuss your responses with a trusted Religious/ Spiritual/Therapeutic confidant. If I and my colleagues can provide just one of two helpful concepts I hope the exchange can be a fair one relative to both your expense and time spent on these fiery activities.