Becoming a Person of Destiny

Preface “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” -William Shakespeare The reason we are alive is to become a person of destiny, which is accomplished by discovering and fulfilling our life’s purpose. Since a person is unique and irreplaceable, each destiny occurs only once in the vastness of time and space. No one can compensate for another person’s unfulfilled destiny. We each have one song to sing, and spend our entire life trying to get it right. Although our unique talents and abilities are given by fate, like a seed planted in the ground, we choose whether or not to develop and use them in the present, one step at a time. Through choice, we either affirm or deny destiny. As Jean Nidetch said, “It’s choice…not chance…that determines your destiny.” So a crucial question is this: How do I evaluate my choices? Even a casual observer is aware of the staggering range of living conditions in the external world, and the dizzying range of things that happen to people, from the sublime to the tragic. Individuals, groups, religions, and cultures espouse an endless variety of beliefs, values, choices, and actions. We have little control over many things that happen in the external world, but it’s up to us how to respond to them. We have more choice when it comes to our inner world, although there will always be pressure to conform to other peoples’ expectations and demands. From the point of view of this book there’s only one viable criterion for evaluating beliefs, values, choices, feelings, and actions: Do they help or hinder movement toward destiny? The same criterion can be applied to the assessment of group, cultural, and religious beliefs, values, and norms. Whether looking inward to self or outward to society, this represents a pragmatic, results-oriented approach to effective living. This book is intended to help people who want to clarify their destiny, and to identify and overcome barriers to its fulfillment, by taking a comprehensive overview of their life. It would be especially useful to clients in coaching and counseling relationships, and to the coaches and counselors guiding them. In addition the book illuminates the path to vocational choice and its relationship to avocation and passionate volunteering. It also helps define the path to leadership development. A relationship exists between self-actualization and destiny, but they are different. Self-actualization has to do with developing one’s full potential, but destiny defines a direction for self-actualization, a way of knowing you’re headed in the right direction. This is crucial because the path defined by destiny represents the unfolding of your true, authentic self, independent of what the world or anyone else may say, and it’s worthy of fulfillment. You’re the one who has to live with it and, in the end, accept the life that was lived by it. Whenever you do something consistent with your destiny, there’s an inexplicable sense of rightness, a confirmation you’re on the right track. This is most effective when our inner world lines up to support it. The concepts and tools offered here provide a roadmap for evaluating your experiences, so you are better equipped to do this. Among the major barriers to destiny are preconceived ideas and biases, which operate to narrow our world, restricting vision, choice, and action. I will argue that fulfilling our destiny requires us to grow in a manner that allows us to become increasingly inclusive of all humanity. Rigid beliefs about what’s true and false, or good and bad, often restrict our ability to accept those different from us, hence our options for choice. Destiny cuts through all the contentiousness stemming from competing beliefs and religious systems, and functions to bring about greater wholeness, unity, and harmony. It’s crucial, of course, for an author championing such a perspective to be aware of his own biases and their impact on his thoughts and choices. This also applies to cultural, philosophical, spiritual, and psychological biases. Anyone reading this book will be trying to determine my specific orientation. As stated above, I have only one conscious motive for this book—to help you discover and fulfill your destiny. I’m not interested in promoting any particular philosophical, spiritual, or psychological point of view. Nevertheless, I have been influenced by certain theoretical traditions and I feel it’s important to acknowledge these. As I was reviewing the literature for this book, I had a deep sense of affinity every time I read the word “freedom.” By this I mean inner, psychological freedom, the kind we can surrender but no one can take from us, even in prison. I resonate with the writings of philosophers and social scientists who have emphasized such freedom, especially Soren Kierkegaard, Paul Tillich, Abraham Maslow, Rollo May, Albert Camus, and Ernest Becker. As a therapist and personal coach my goal has been and continues to be helping people embrace their freedom and accept responsibility for choosing their life’s path. In the free will debate I appropriately would be considered a “compatibilist,” someone who doesn’t see a conflict between determinism and free will. I will argue that destiny is a synthesis of fate and freedom. Destiny is choosing within the constraints of fate and putting those choices into action. In this sense, destiny is freedom’s purpose. The total amount of freedom we have is small but profound. My thinking has also been influenced by such Neo-Freudian and interpersonal theorists as Harry Stack Sullivan, Timothy Leary, Karen Horney, Carl Jung, Erich Fromm, Erik Erickson, Otto Rank, and others. I found a kindred spirit in the writing of William James, and his pragmatism provides an acid test for my more elusive ideas. The writings of French philosopher Henri Bergson have also greatly expanded my thinking, especially his ideas about intuition, and I highly recommend them to anyone seeking a more robust view of how the universe supports freedom and creativity. Written over 100 years ago, his works are still ahead of their time. I will argue that destiny has three realms of expression which must become integrated to fulfill our life’s purpose: the personal or psychological, the interpersonal or social, and the universal or spiritual. It would be accurate to regard me an existential thinker in the tradition of philosopher and theologian Paul Tillich, although my views don’t align completely with those of any particular writer. I do believe in God, but my views about the nature of God would be hard to classify, and they continue to evolve. I’m a student rather than a teacher of theology. I believe it’s possible to have faith without possessing complete clarity about God’s nature. In fact, I don’t believe the human mind is capable of comprehending God completely. I see faith as what you trust for the next step, not a set of beliefs that are defended. I consider faith of this kind crucial to destiny. I had this epiphany while reading Camus’s book, The Myth of Sisyphus, which helped me come to grips with the fear of death that had dogged me throughout life. My eureka was that the gift of God is freedom, and that I would endeavor to embrace mine as long as I’m here—and help others do likewise.