Bipolar, Abba (Father) and my Inner Child
(A Journal)
by
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Brain Journaling October 22, 2012 As you can see I haven’t written for a while. I have been rather ill with some kind of stomach problem. There still hasn’t been a diagnosis yet as to what it is or what I can take to get rid of it. I have lost a lot of weight due to being ill. I think I am at about 114 and I am 5ft 5in. tall. So I am kind of underweight. I have nausea pills that I take so that I can eat during the day but the acid is terrible. Last Friday I had a test done at the hospital where you eat radio-active eggs with bread and the technician ex-rays you every hour to see how far the food has digested. I don’t think I passed the test after four hours. I mainly slept in a chair between waiting for the next x-rays while Lee worked on his computer. I feel as if I am getting nowhere with this book of mine but I guess that is where God wants me right now. I have read some interesting books while being laid up. One was titled NOT A FAN by Kyle Idleman which I highly recommend. I read it twice and it is very motivational. The other one I am reading once again is THE ME I WANT TO BE by John Ortberg. It is about becoming God’s best version of you. Otherwise than that I have been lying around a lot and sleeping due to the nausea medication. I have been getting thoughts in my head lately about suicide again. The organ music keeps coming back. I feel lousy and can’t seem to get anything accomplished so then my mind goes back to the evil one. He always likes to remind me there is a bottle of Ativan handy if needed. Some days I would just lie in bed and wonder how many it would take to be done with myself. I know there is a lot about suffering in the bible and how we should take up our cross and dive right in but I don’t know if there is anything about mental anguish besides the desert. That is the only thing I can relate to is Jesus’ time in the desert with the devil and the forty days of fasting. For me though it seems like I just keep going back there. 1 Peter 1:14 “As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.” I have gotten to the point at night where I keep my focus straight on Jesus and ask him to cover me with his blanket of security for the night. No one else can do anything about the noises I hear in my head although I have tried to go that route so now I just put my trust in Jesus. I have been diagnosed with audio hallucinations which are the most frustrating of all the problems because nothing has helped to get rid of them so far. My art work is lacking and I need to get back into it and produce some more paintings for the book but I just don’t feel that I have it in me right now. I tried dialoging with my inner child Gracie a week or so ago and she had nothing to say. That’s not good I thought! Boy if she is out of it then things aren’t looking too good. However I must say that I was getting to the point of being rather spiteful before she shut down. 1John 2:15 “Do not love the world or anything in the world if anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” I was angry about the way our world is and the messages society or should I say the media feeds us. I heard one good story on TV one day and it was about a little boy who is dying of cancer and wants to celebrate Christmas early so his family and the neighbors are setting up their lights and trees for the celebration. I found it to be more refreshing than the rest of the entertainment tonight as they call it. Romans: 12:2 “Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Then there is the election which we can only pray has a good outcome. But then I guess prayer is all there is to everything. Without it one would go nuts! I heard the other day that a friend of mine is dying. Funny I thought I would love to be in her shoes but I am sure the Lord wouldn’t want me in the state I am in. Rather down hearted about life that he gave to me to live abundantly. I guess that is something I need to work for. Living Abundantly that is! Psalm 68:9 “You sent abundant rain, O God, to refresh the weary land. Please send some abundant rain from your rivers of flowing love to wash and cleanse my soul away.” Jesibel Priest
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About the Book
In October of 2001 after taking an anti-depressant I flipped into a manic episode. I was hospitalized and diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 1 with psychotic features. Many years went by and I had taken pretty much all of the medications that were prescribed for my mental illness. I knew that I had to be on some kind of medication but I was frustrated with all of the combinations and side effects that caused havoc in my life. At times I found myself thinking about ending it all, but deep in my heart I knew that was not going to be the story of my life. Abba has much more in His plan for my life and you are involved in it. After much searching and praying I found my sense of spiritual awareness and my gifts of writing and artwork. I also found the child within me who was longing to come out and let me know that my life really mattered. With her I was taken to unforeseen places and mysterious happenings began to unfold. So, come with me for a little while and experience what happens to the mind when it leaves the world behind and takes you soaring into another time. On the front cover is my own “artistic” interpretation of bi-polar disorder. Magdalen Preast A portion of the proceeds will go to N.A.M.I. (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in Boise, Idaho for the surrounding areas.