Walking on Eggshells
Living with Psychological Abuse and Codependency
by
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Once inside his truck, he went up one side of me and down the other. I never argued or stood up for myself. I just agreed with everything he said because he was mad as hornet. I knew that if I agreed to everything he was saying, I would get out in one piece. I told him I was an awful person, that I didn’t deserve him. I told him I was lucky to know him. I did everything I could to settle him down, but it still went on for over an hour. I tried to explain that my brother would come looking for me, but he needed to yell and swear and freak out until he calmed down. I was so scared, I shook. Once again, he kept pushing my face into the window of his truck. All I could do was close my mind, find a dark safe place to hide deep inside myself. As I reflect back on how that felt, I remember seeing his face all snarled and cruel as he screamed at me. Words were coming out of his mouth, but I had found a way to leave the planet. I eventually called that place my fetal position. I learned to go there whenever I had to. It’s kind of like playing dead while a grizzly is attacking you, I imagine. It really messes you up. You can escape even when you’re trapped. It’s like God gives you the ability to hide when there is no chance of running. I think perhaps you leave half of your brain there, and you start to shut down completely. That’s when the fog starts. From the first time you go into fetal position, part of you stays there. Even when the craziness subsides, you walk around feeling numb, confused, and lost. Any hope of clear rational thoughts is gone forever. I swear I spent the next two years suspended in space with only thoughts of damage control.
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About the Book
Inspired by the journal of Mackenzie Brown, this book is written for anyone struggling with an abusive relationship. It inspires the reader to break their silent fear and reach for help. Follow Mac as she searched for love over the Internet and landed in a women’s emergency shelter.
About the Author
I am a world traveler. Not only have I journeyed to exotic places such as Shanghai, Rome, Phuket—I’d like to think I am also a pilgrim in love and relationships. When I was a child, I did not expect life to be such a crazy adventure through the unknown. My four children, one stepdaughter, and my incredible husband would agree that I have a great capacity for love. I cherish my family more than anything. The joys and challenges that have come from loving my family has prepared me for my role as a personal trainer; I get to journey daily with others in discovering their potential, and I count myself blessed in doing so. My adventures through life have not always been such blessings, however. A dark shadow has followed me on many journeys, and I’ve only recently learned the name of that shadow: codependency. Although this travel companion of mine has landed me in many painful situations, I’ve learned to find strength in my weakness. I have often caught myself depending on other people to depend on me, but alas, the journey I’m currently on is teaching me that while I can’t insist on people relying on me entirely, I can point others on their way to experiencing everything this life has to offer. My dream for this book is exactly that—that you, the reader, would find the courage to leave the shadows of codependency for the sake of exploring the wonders of healthy relationships.