Famous Amos

Henry Falls Henry Dribs hit the brakes and turned the wheel. "Almost missed it," he said irritably. "Why didn't you holler?" "I was thinking," said Doris, Henry's wife. "You remember thinking, dear. You used to do it in college." Henry’s face reddened. "That woman's got some mouth," he thought, though he chose to say nothing aloud. Henry drove the car down a dirt road that ran alongside the highway. Finding a shady spot near a picnic table beside the river, he pulled over and switched off the engine. The Dribs family debouched from the station wagon. After a stretch and a yawn, Henry got the grill and the cooking utensils and the cooler from the back of the wagon. He poured charcoal into the grill, doused it with lighter fluid, and set it ablaze. The fire burned with great intensity for the first few minutes then slowly died down until only an occasional tongue of flame spurted up from the graying coals. Henry grabbed a beer from the cooler, popped the top, and took a swig. "Don't start guzzling beer," said Doris, materializing at his elbow. "Give me a break," said Henry. Doris put the hamburger patties on the grill, arranging them neatly in a circle, midway between the center of the grill and its circumference. Meanwhile, left to themselves, the kids, Henry Junior and Becky, started squabbling. "You did that on purpose." "Did not." "Did too." “Did not.” “Did too.” "Knock it off," said Henry. The noise subsided. Henry sat down at the picnic table. He watched Doris flip the hamburgers and sprinkle them with steak sauce. The smoke from the grill made his mouth water. "Well, I guess Doris deserves a little credit," he thought to himself. "She's a good cook." Henry was just beginning to unwind after the long drive when Henry Junior ran over, crying. "Mama! Mama! She called me a sissy." "You are a sissy, Henry," said his mother calmly. "Don't say things like that to the boy," said Henry. "You'll scar him for life." "But Mama! She hit me." "Well, hit her back," said Henry. When the hamburgers were done, Doris removed them from the grill one by one, stacking them neatly on a plate. The family gathered at the picnic table. Henry ate a hamburger, washing it down with a beer. After lunch, Henry drank a few more beers to relax. Doris sat at the picnic table doing needlepoint. "Y'know," said Henry, "we ought to do this more often." "What's that, dear? Eat hamburgers?" "No! Travel. Get away from it all." "Yes, dear." "We could start next weekend, take the kids to see the Grand Canyon." "Don't forget, dear. Next weekend is mother's birthday. We promised to drive over for a visit." "Not your mother's again." "Don't be that way, dear. Think of it as an adventure." Henry groaned and shook his head. Just then, the kids started fighting again. "It's mine and I want it." "You can't have it." "Oh yeah!" "Yeah!" "I've had enough of this," said Henry. "If you two don't hush right this minute, I'm gonna clobber you both." Henry got up, got an inner tube from the back of the wagon, carried it down to the river and plopped it down on the water. The first time he tried to sit in it, the back of the tube flipped up, and he landed on the river bottom. On his next try, he held tight to the sides, and hit the bull's eye. "Hand me that six pack," said Henry. Henry Junior fetched the beer. Cradling the six pack on his belly, Henry paddled away from shore. "G'bye, daddy," said Henry Junior, wanly waving a hand. In the middle of the river, Henry stopped paddling, and pulled the poptop off a can of beer. A few small clouds scudded across the sky, but there was no breeze below. The sun was warm and bright. Henry drifted with the current. He drank his beer and pondered. "Damn, those kids are a pain. And the wife. Man, she's really let herself go. Whatever happened to all those curves? She's built like a sack of potatoes." Henry reached down and scratched his beer belly.