I FEEL YOU

Separation and divorce do not simply just happen! I spent three to four years, prior to separation, worried over little behavioral changes and signs that all may not be well. By and large I tried to ignore what I was seeing and feeling and put the changes down to economic stresses and biorhythmic changes. As time went on, however, the small and minor issues started looming larger in our lives and I began to realize that we were facing a very serious problem. I started to modify my behavior and change it into something that I thought she may approve of? I honestly believe that she noticed and tried the same thing but I was married to someone that didn’t speak her mind? The big “D” (divorce) word was never mentioned or spoken of. We both went on with our lives as if the problem would just magically disappear! Big mistake! It’s funny how you can fake the big things in a relationship but you just cannot fake the little things…maybe because they seem insignificant or maybe you think that your partner won’t notice? It was, however, in the smaller behaviors and ways that I knew that she no longer wanted to be with me. I would work hard to hide the sadness but it was an emotional cancer destroying my life with the girl that I always knew! I knew her well but what was happening now? I had no answers because the girl I married and spent most of my life with, was gone! She had disappeared and I did not have a clue as to where I should start looking for her. I was trying to hold together something that had crumbled and deteriorated before I really knew that it was dying. My role as father and provider started to fade slowly as Autumn changes slowly to Winter.I was aware that it was happening but I did not know how to stop this inevitable plunge into cold darkness which, for me, was unknown territory. I was consumed by the thought of the hurt that I knew I was going to experience and everyone suffered as a result! Things, behaviors and attitudes became progressively worse towards the end. Friends, relatives and even my children had noticed the behavior and tried to point it out to me but, as if blinded by belief to the contrary, I just couldn’t see it! Maybe I so desperately did not want to? For some reason that I cannot explain, our physical relationship showed no cracks or problems and this led me to discover for myself that someone in a marriage, could have a physical relationship without loving?