My Life II

While writing this book I was going through a separation as Shawn asked me to move out of the house in Southey. After 12.5 years of marriage he approached me and in a stern, somewhat demanding tone, he asked me, “Is this the way were going to live, like roommates?” I replied in a calm, matter of fact manner, “It's the only way I can cope and still be with my children.” He continued with, “Your not the woman I married, I want the woman I married back, I don't like who you are.” All I could think to say was, “Well this is who I am.” He retorted back with, “Then I want you to move out.” Something in my mind snapped, like a silent alarm going off. Visions of my childhood in periods of reject, sadness, loneliness and of being lost flashed through my mind. I didn't even fully contemplate what he was saying. Without consulting a lawyer first, as I understood it was “just a break,” in a trance, like a robot, within ten days I was moved out, once again leaving my life behind; my house, possessions, security as I knew it and most importantly my children. I then knew what my mother had felt when Charlie had divorced her for another woman and she told me, “It was like getting punched in the teeth and kicked in the stomach all at once.” About three weeks later I was served with a restraining order by the R.C.M.P banging on my door at 10:30 in the evening. Due to the fact Shawn had gotten a lawyer, filled him and the cops with lies that stated I was considered physically and mentally unstable and “Sometime the previous month had threatened his life.” This resulted in me not being able to see or talk to my children, as they were in his care, not to go near the house in Southey, near Shawn, or his place of work. If I did, I would be arrested. It had been about two weeks by this time that I saw my children, or spoke to Shawn. When I would phone the house in Southey, or Shawn's cellular phone, he wouldn't answer, knowing it was me of course. He also went to the liberty of cancelling my medical coverage through his work and my Air Miles collector card as he was the primary sponsor. At this point it has been 41 days since I have seen my children. I feel Jesus' pain of being crucified, as I too endured that intense pain, the pain of loss every day. Without a lawyer, I couldn't do anything but search around for a lawyer.....and pray to The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. Essentially all I had to get me through from day to day was my faith in Jesus and our heavenly Father but when there where times of more bad moments that good moments and no sign of things getting better, I would question God and his validity. But during these bouts of doubt and anger at the fate God has left me, I would pause and ask God and his Angels for their help. In clearing my mind and waiting for the answers I sought, I would find myself overcome with intense feelings, causing me to stop what I was doing and burst into tears as the feelings of God's love and security would overwhelm me, followed by the feelings of loneliness, guilt, and self pity. After Jesus was crucified, Joseph, an honored member of the high council and a secret disciple, went to ask for Jesus' body. When the Roman military officer in charge confirmed that the body be taken from the cross, he wrapped it in the white linen cloth Joseph offered. Joseph then laid the body in the tomb that had been carved out of rock. He then rolled a stone in front of the entrance. The placement of Jesus' body was witnessed by a group of ladies. The next day the chief priest and a group of Jews went to the governor of Judea. “Sir,” they said, “We remember that while he was still alive it was said, “After three days I will rise again,” The governor replied, “So give orders for the tomb to be secure until the third day. Otherwise, his disciples may come and steal the body and tell the people he has been raised from the dead. This last deception will be worse than the first.” “Take a guard,” he ordered, and go make the tomb secure by putting a seal on the stone and posting a guard. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not parish but have eternal life. For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned but whoever does not believe in him stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God and his one and only son.