SURVIVING SEPARATION

Chapter 1 Separation Sucks Let me just say it one more time… separation sucks! I have been separated from my husband for over a year, and it has been one long, excruciatingly painful year. Unfortunately, as I am writing this, my separation is still ongoing. However, things are starting to look up, and even though it has been painful, I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I have learned a lot about God, myself, and the desires that God has placed in my heart. His desires for me, my relationship with my husband, my kids, and His people and how I can better serve them. I’m not going to lie to you; this is not an easy time to get through. And just when you think you have it all figured out, the game changes, and you are right back where you started. Thinking, hoping, dreaming and trying to come up with ways to win your spouse back. That’s where we need to stop. Instead of focusing on our spouses, we need to focus on God. And this, my dear friend is no easy task. However, this is what God is calling us to do. He wants us to lay our burdens at His feet and trust in Him. He wants us to deepen our relationship with Him by focusing solely on Him and trusting Him for the outcome. I am a perfectionist. I am stubborn, impatient, aggressive and I am a doer. I can’t wait for God to do something or even my husband. They take too long! Like I said, I am a doer, so if you are not going to do it, you better believe I’ll be stepping in and doing it for you. So for me, waiting on God and trusting God was by no means easy. So if this stubborn, impatient, aggressive Christian woman can do it, so can you. But it takes work and it will stretch you way beyond your comfort zone and when all is said and done, you will have beauty for your ashes, just like God promises. God is always faithful, whether you can see that right now or not. When you are on your knees, crying out with gut-wrenching sobs, it is very difficult to see Gods faithfulness or believe that things are ever going to get better. But keep getting on your knees and crying out because once you’re done, you’ll feel better, I did. And God will comfort you while you are there. He will wrap His arms around you and fill you with peace. I am reminded of a song by Amy Grant that I think captures the heart of God through out our misery. It’s called “Better Than a Hallelujah”. Here are the lyrics: God loves a lullaby In a mother’s tears in the dead of night Better than a Hallelujah sometimes God loves the drunkard’s cry The soldier’s plea not to let him die Better than a Hallelujah sometimes We pour out our miseries God just hears a melody Beautiful, the mess we are The honest cries of breaking hearts Are better than a Hallelujah The woman holding on for life The dying man giving up the fight Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes The tears of shame for what’s been done The silence when the words won’t come Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes We pour out our miseries God just hears a melody Beautiful, the mess we are The honest cries of breaking hearts Are better than a Hallelujah Better than a church bell ringing Better than a choir singing out, singing out We pour out our miseries God just hears a melody Beautiful, the mess we are The honest cries of breaking hearts Are better than a Hallelujah God does not like when we are in pain and He cries when we cry, but when we are crying it sounds like a melody to Him because we are crying out to Him. We are communicating with Him through our tears. Not only do we show our hearts to Him, but He shows us His as well. He loves us and wants us to come to Him with every fiber of our being and when we are hurting and crying out to Him, we are doing exactly that. We are asking Him to take away our pain to comfort us and this, unfortunately, is the only time that we do that. When we are filled with joy and everything seems to be going along just fine, we don’t call on God in the same manner as we do when we are in a crisis. God does not get any enjoyment out of our pain, but He does get enjoyment out of the way that we cry out to Him because we are completely abandoned and we are depending on Him and only Him to get us through. That’s the way He wants us to be all the time. If only we could figure out a way to be like that when we are not in crisis mode. During our separations, Satan is working overtime on both you and your spouse. Anything negative that you are thinking or feeling, comes from Satan. This can be any variety of negative emotions or thoughts and they can be going all at once. I’ll give you a few examples of mine: 1. I hate him for doing this to me. 2. How can he be so selfish? 3. Why won’t he work on our marriage and do what’s best for our family? 4. I will just divorce him and be done with it. 5. Accusing him of anything I could think of, adultery, selfishness and called him a few choice words that should never come out of a Christian’s mouth. 6. How could he throw all of this away? 7. What did I do wrong? 8. How did we get here? 9. I have failed again! Satan will use all of this anger and hurt against you. He will pollute your thoughts and send you spiraling into anxiety and depression. I actually had several panic attacks. Satan will make you analyze and overanalyze every little thing your spouse does and says and even the things they don’t do or they don’t say, until it all just becomes overwhelming. You will be tempted time and time again to give up, but Galatians 6:9 says, “Do not grow weary in doing good, for you will reap the harvest at the proper time if you do not give up”. But Satan will do everything he can to keep you angry so that you can’t do any good. No matter what our spouses are doing, God wants us to love them and show them love. That means that you have to do whatever you have to do in order to accomplish this. Pray before you talk to them, stop communication temporarily until you can get your anger in check. Be silent for a few minutes and say a quick prayer. Ask God to help you do this, that your words be his words and that his love shines through you. This is a huge step towards reconciliation; letting go of your anger and showing God’s love. It may be forced at first, but after a while, your heart will come around and the anger will disappear and showing God’s love will become second nature. There are two books that I read and an awesome life-coach that helped me to do this. The books are, “Love as a Way of Life” and “Anger; Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way” both by Gary Chapman. My life coach was amazing! I encourage you to seek counseling through a pastor, a professional or a support group. If there isn’t any kind of support group in you area, start one. There is so much healing in helping others that are going through this too. No one understands what you are going through better than someone who has been there. Through this book, I want to help you to thrive during your separation, not just to survive it. Although there will be days when it is hard to even survive, but if you keep pushing the things to help you thrive then you are doing your part and allowing God to do his. So keep pushing and don’t give up. Fight with everything you have and God will make up the difference. You will be stronger than you ever thought possible when all is said and done.