A TAINTED SECRET

I enter my therapist’s room. It’s a run of the mill doctor’s surgery room, with the usual doctors table in the corner and his desk in the near corner. I look at him and he stands to shake my hand as usual. “Michael how are you” Dr Adam Wilkes asked me. Adam is a good guy, probably one of the very few. I know it may be his job to be as if he is somebody who gets me, however, I really do feel that he does. His charming manner allows me to relax and open up to him. That’s the strange thing about therapists, you don’t actually know them. To be honest when do you really find out anything about a therapist? However, at the same time they seem to know everything about you. You may go through your whole life never being able to talk to your parents, however, when it comes to a therapist, you can open up quite easily. “I’m good thank you how are you?” I replied to Adam as I walked over to take a seat. He sits down comfortably in front of me behind his desk. He looks at me like a student, eager for answers to so many questions. “I’m fine thank you” Adam replies. “Right, first of all I would like you to fill in a sheet, just to see how you’re doing and if there are any changes from last time we met.” Adam states to me. He slides a questionnaire in front of me and I look up and down it. I pick up a pen and begin the answer the multiple choices that I have in front of me. Questions about self harm and suicide are all over the worksheet. I try to answer as honest as I can, not stating for self harm or suicide; however, I do state that I do not have as much interest in things, due to how I have been feeling recently. “Ok” I say as I finish the worksheet for him. “Thank you very much” Adam says to me as he places the worksheet to one side. I take a sigh of relief, as if I have just sat an examination paper and now I’m awaiting the results. “So how have you been these past few weeks?” Adam asks me in a calm voice. I look up at him wanting to tell him that everything has been good, that I don’t need to come to these sessions any more. That’s not the truth now is it really? The truth is that I need these sessions more than anything and that I have not been feeling right for a long time now. “Not good” I reply in a stutter “I still have nightmares.” “What sort of nightmares?” Adam asks. “The kind that makes me not want to see anymore” I reply in an emotional stutter. I look down and without even realising it; I am fiddling with my fingers. “What do you mean you do not want to see anymore?” Adam asks me in an even calmer manner. I feel like breaking down, however, a part of me feels as if that would make me look foolish if I was to break down in front of him. I can even feel my eyes beginning to well up as I attempt more speech. “I feel that I do not want to see these images anymore.” I begin saying, stuttering as a go along. “I feel that I see these images in my head and I hear the voices and I want them to go away.” “Do you know how these images and thoughts began” Adam asks in his own concerned way. I look up at him and I know that he knows exactly why they started. He doesn’t even have to ask; nevertheless it is his job to ask questions. I know I would never talk about this unless I had somebody like him here to help me through it. He is like a rock to me now, so I want him to be happy with me being able to account everything that happened. “I do, yes” I reply. “Would you like to talk about them?” Adam asks me. His look of concern worries me in a slight way. I feel that if I tell him everything, he might think that I am so fucked up that I may not be able to think straight for a very long time. However, this is my challenge. I have to be able to fight through this. I brush through my hair which needs cutting now, Rhea, my wife, has been moaning at me for a while now to get it cut. I look up at Adam and I begin to fight through the barrier and unlock the padlock around my lips. “I believe I have to” I answer in an unsure way. “Only if you feel comfortable with it” Adam replies. “I want to” I answer in a more sure way. “However, I hope you have longer than this hour session, because this is going to be a long story” I say in an attempt for a joking manner. Adam lets out a slight chuckle and looks at me in a reassuring way. “That is absolutely fine” Adam responds, “I have no other appointments for the rest of the day” He takes out his pen and paper, which I know he is going to begin making notes on. “Besides, we have plenty of sessions for you to tell me the whole story. I want you to tell me about before the event which changed everything up until after it happened,” Adam states to me, looking at me in a sympathetic manner. I nod to him to show that I will comply with what he wants. “Right then,” he begins to say “In your own time,” He says. “Well,” I begin in a hesitant way “I think that in order to tell you the whole story, I think I have to start from the very beginning.” “That’s fine, whatever makes you comfortable” Adam answers. “Right then,” I said in a ready for action manner “Let’s start from the beginning.”