I Wish It Would Rain

INTRODUCTION IT IS ANOTHER DAY AT THE MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY WHERE CURRENTLY I am a drug screener. Every week I drug screen almost one hundred patients with substance abuse issues as well as a variety of mental health issues. Many of these people have completely destroyed their lives, or at least have come awfully close. They are here for various reasons. Some are here because they’ve simply had enough. Others are here because the court system is involved. Some are fighting to get their kids back from Social Services. The fact is, I love the people I see every day. I am pulling for them to regain their lives. I treat every person I screen the same as I would anyone else. I show them as much respect as I can. They deserve that much. Yes, many of them have made horrific choices and some continue to do so. I am not their judge, nor am I their counselor or physician. I love to hear their stories and encourage them by sharing a little of mine. I have those who encourage me. I know how they feel. Many walk into my office sick from withdrawal. Many walk into my office scared, lonely, and very uncertain about what lies ahead. I’ve experienced every one of those same feelings. I have those who quickly remind me that I never want to revisit my darkest days. One thing is for certain though, I get it. I understand. For all practical matters, I am no different than they are. I am one of them. In 2005 I released the first edition of the pages you are holding in your hand. The original version of I Wish It Would Rain was the story of my battle with depression, a disease I still battle today. The book was honest and true. It chronicled my life as a teenager from a small town in North Carolina through part of my college years and on to my career as a touring musician for 14 years. I shared how much I struggled with depression in my life. It was easy to read and only around 130 pages long. It was not a “self-help” book but rather a story of one man’s journey and struggle with this debilitating disease. However, it was only a fourth of the story. It wasn’t a lie; it just wasn’t everything. What I didn’t tell the reader, mostly out of fear, was that for six years I was heavily addicted to opiate pain medication. Often the two go hand in hand. The primary reason I became addicted to opiates in the first place was because of depression. However, that’s not an excuse. The book is broken into a particular time frame. A few chapters deal directly with my entry into the music world and playing in my band, Age of Faith, for many years. It chronicles the music business and the effect it had on my life. I write about my life after coming off the road and how depression played a major role in my addiction. The chapters dealing directly with my active addiction are often graphic, sad, and also at times unbelievable. This book is written from a perspective, which centers on my faith. However, this book is for everyone, regardless of his or her belief system. It does not preach, nor does it have an agenda for my faith. On the other hand, if I didn’t speak boldly and truthfully of my faith, I would be downplaying that aspect of my recovery and my life. After the book was completely written, a friend suggested that my wife, Angie, write a chapter or as many as she wanted, detailing what addiction does to the innocent. Describing what the madness looked like from her perspective can influence so many people. She was reluctant to do so at first but then understood the impact it could have on other women (or men for that matter) whose spouse is an addict. I firmly believe it will be the most powerful chapter in the book. Everyone seems to always read what the addict went through, but the ones hiding in the shadows are often overlooked. After all, addiction is a family disease. Her words open the door for her story. I tell my story actually a bit reserved. I honestly cannot put into words how I really felt during this time. You can’t feel what I felt, and honestly I’m glad. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. What I went through is a glimpse into what every addict goes through. The only thing different is the time frame, the names, and obvious consequences. I’ve talked with hundreds of other addicts or former active addicts, and every story is similar. They all end the same. The thread of destruction, lies, theft, loss of dignity and self, weave through the life of everyone crippled with this disease. There is one common element among every person that chooses this lifestyle. It is found in these words: “I’m tired of this. I can’t live like this any longer.” No one ever says, “I like living this way.” Every person I see is tired of the chase. They are sick of being sick. Here is what I believe: If you are an addict, have a family member who’s an addict; a friend, a co-worker, etc. understand that they don’t have to live this way. There is light at the end of the dark, deep tunnel. There are millions just like I was. Some make it, but many do not. Addiction is a killer disease that has the potential to become one of the leading causes of death in the world. So, finally, after all this time of waiting, this is the long and winding rocky road I traveled, and I’m glad you now get to read my story.