Covered in Shells

Said the Spider to the Fly

I want to jump out of my skin
Not an appropriate way to start these lines
But I can't change to make me seem more appealing.
There that's better.

But I try
To capture you
Tangle you up in my web
Of deception and lies
Not that it's a bad thing
There's comfort in not knowing
And I don't always know.

But you do
And that's darn frightening
I didn't start out to capture you
You flew to me first
So feel free to fly away last
If you can…

And dollars to donuts
You can
There hasn't been anyone yet that couldn't.
Want to know why?
I let you.
It's easier that way.

So you lose a wing or two
In the end
We still have ourselves.

February 2000

Prayer for Living: This Accomplished Life

What is this, the waiting game?
Surrounding life in pieces like puzzles,
wanting to reveal answers maintaining mysteries.
Stories of my life
jagged little snips.

Lives left leaning on me
too weak to support,
only one more than me.
Take away the extremities
so I can breathe.

And when I take this breath,
this last breath of solitude,
will I exhale and savor the plentitude
Of being alone?

How does it feel?
How does it taste?
How long will I see
the lifetime I’ve erased.

And memories serve to pacify
the periods of emptiness,
and I fill the emptiness
with patience and anxiety
and grace.

Grant me this serenity:
To accomplish the tasks I need to do
To move this life forward
along this unfamiliar path toward you.

Give me maps to navigate my way
Prevent this fear of being lost
That doesn’t make me want to stray
Keep me steady, keep me clean.
Help me; show me the way to be.

2002

Shaken

For Van

Just when you thought you were better
Just when you knew you were healed
A casual conversation
Ripped open the artery that fueled
The mainline to your soul
The spirit that saved your grace
And opened for all the world
To see that the hurt was real
And time does it heal all wounds?
Or was that just a witty line
That some other writer decided
Would cure everyone’s broken lives?

And yes I know that I’m better
And yes I knew it was still there
But in moments very present
This sadness is overwhelming
Reminding me like a ghost from my past
An essence from out of my grave
To remind me of what I’ve dealt with
When somewhere I learned to forget
But forgetting is dangerous at best.

And isn’t that what I’ve lived for?
To grow strong and move past beyond
To know what I’ve lived through and conquered
That which didn’t kill me made me stronger
Just another line, I know the damage.
I know the damage.

And what happens in the quiet time memories
When my heart feels like it has ripped
And the flood washes away the forgetting
And I can’t stop the rush of remembering?

So tell me, how do I get past the remembering
and learn how to deal with my past?

5/23/04