RATHER FOND OF A DOUBLE ENTENDRE

An old college buddy of mine told me there's a bridge in Dundalk called 'Bridge Street Bridge'!! Hold on a second!! They name the street after the bridge and then go and name the bridge after the street that was named after the bridge in the first place!! What in the name of The Lord is going on there!! I remember seeing a comedian some years back, who commented that the greyhound he had put a bet on, came out of the traps so fast it must have had "an onion up his arse"!! I said to myself "I didn't think greyhounds had taste buds there"!! With further thought I concluded that maybe they do, and the reason why they are so skinny is that if they ate they'd have to taste sh*t on its' way out!! I heard a story about a bloke who asked this girl up to dance, but said the next day, that when he was moving with her during the 'slow set', because she was so fat, it was 'just like trying to move a wardrobe'!!   There's a fictitious family called the Behan's!! Now this woman had so many children her uterus would put the collective production lines of Microsoft to shame!! 'Bless-ed be the orchardness of her womb, Foetus'!! A family of Behans?!! You must be joking!! A f*cking tin of Behans more like it!! There's the guy who does the marathon whom they call 'Runner'!! There's another fella who eats nothing but 'Chilli con Carne' whom they call 'Kidney'!! There's the nipper who was born in Manila whom they named 'Phillip'!! Lastly there's the 'fister sister' who is called 'Les'!! I was talking to an English taxi driver once who was living in Dublin and was dropping me home when the topic of a nearby road, called Tonlegee, came up in the conversation!! It sparked off something in my mind's memory file!! Tonlegee is derived from the Irish gaelic 'Thoin le Gaoith' which translates as 'Arse to the wind'!! Listen people, just give me a few pints of stout and a beef lasooni from the Shalamar Restaurant in the city centre and I'd take on a Force 9 gale coming through a wind tunnel!! A prisoner did a crap in his chamber pot and asked the prison guard to empty it..........he responded 'you'll have to wait until tomorrow'..........the prisoner angrily retorted 'it's porridge I'm meant to be doing not Coco Pops'!!!!! Ughh..........just visualise it a little!! While walking by a camp site my friend said 'they're all Roma gypsies in there'..........I responded 'how do you know...........just because they like football doesn't give you the right to assume what team they like...........they could be LAZIO gypsies for all you know..........come to think of it fans of Bohemians here in Dublin probably follow them'!!!!! I was in the pub one night when one of my mates, who supports Chelsea, said about his team 'you won't beat Our Gang'..........I turned and said 'just because Jon Obi Mikel has hair like Buckwheat doesn't guarantee that you'll not have a leaky defence come the weekend'!! Some of you may remember that group who were out in The Eighties, who one of my mates thought were funny, called Yello..........I quipped 'if Yello are funny so is an Oriental orphan alcoholic rent boy on a diet of nothing but sweetcorn with sclerosis of the liver'!! A body-building member of the Norn Irelint assembly with prosthetic arms entered an angling competition when, on throwing the line into the water, they flew off and were set upon by a load of piranhas with chimpanzee’s teeth whose sh*t has apparently increased the PSNI's stockpile of plastic bullets ten fold!!!!! I always laugh when I hear people regarding the word 'if' say that 'if my auntie had balls she'd be my uncle' as I think to myself it doesn't work both ways...........the reason being my 30 stone uncle has boobs but that doesn't make him my auntie, does it??...........just like he has male boobs maybe she could have female balls and still be your auntie though, ey??..........come to think of it women frequently say they have the male genitalia in order to turn you on anyway, don't they??!!!!! I see there's a suburb in Dublin called 'Loo-can'.....I thought 'this is getting ridiculous...I mean, I know we are in a recession and all that but is the rest of the city meant to be sympathetic of the fact that these people obviously don't even have a pot to p*ss into.....let me tell yiz they're some cans of p*ss alright as we're all struggling'!! I was on a working holiday in the United States back during the early Nineties when I was a student.....one of the men who gave me a job for the summer said that once the season was over he was 'going into real estate'.....I quipped 'joyriders who tend to drive cars fast around Tallaght are inclined to only 'go into REAL estates' also but if they were to travel a few miles east to Foxrock what they would be doing is 'going into PRETENTIOUS estate' then'!! I have to say some people can be comical as I witnessed an incident in a butchers’ where the shop assistant handed over a piece of meat requested for and politely asks 'that will be 10 euro please' only for the woman who was buying the joint of roast to turn around and scornfully say in a flat Dublin accent to the guy 'would ya ever f*ck off, where d'ye tink I'd get 10 euro for a piece of meat from'...the man backs down and submissively says 'okay then, 8 euro'...the lady proceeds to take a 10 euro NOTE out of her purse and have the cheek to wait around for the 2 euro change!! I don't mean to sound too choosey and fussy or have an inflated opinion of myself but I told my pals it generally takes a very good looking girl to have a key to unlock my heart.....one of my mates quoted the old phrase that you don't look at the mantelpiece when you are poking the fire.....I hit back by joking 'you don't look at the t.v. screen when you are changing a disc in the dvd player but I bet you'd prefer to watch a flick of Kirsty Gallacher putting on make up than see the inmates of Prisoner Cell Block H with masks of acne ridden Aborigines falling out of the ugly tree with every branch hitting them on the way down, wouldn't you??'!!