Look!.. The Chuckle Book!

One of my mates told me that after he got a bad injury while playing football he had pins and screws inserted.....I humoured him by retorting 'were you interested in getting back playing the game or were you more intent on auditioning for the part of Frankenstein?'!! Things have been bad over the last few years here in Ireland with the downturn in the world's economy but a mate of mine told me he got a job in a factory making Christmas crackers.....now I'll inform you all that I am a sufferer of schizophrenia and joked that in the run up to the festive season I had absolutely no intentions of going off my medication as I was only interested in pulling a cracker of my own with nice teeth and a sexy mind-frame instead of ending up in the Christmas 'cracker factory' myself like him!! I got chatting to a barman one day while having a quiet pint when I asked him what part of Dublin he was from.....he replied 'Finglas'.....I informed him that I had relatives from that suburb and mentioned that there might have been a possibility he knew them.....his response was 'I wouldn't say so, Finglas is a big place'.....I retorted humorously 'so it's a small world yet Finglas is a big place.....would you ever feck off out of that'!! I had an incident with someone I once knew where he said a problem another individual had caused me was 'brave' on the other person's behalf.....however I know these people to be rather cowardly and retorted 'if that was 'brave' of her to do that 'Scotland The CHICKEN SH*T' is sung by The Tartan Army before soccer and rugby internationals'!! A few years back an uncle of mine told me a story of when three of his close pals died within days of one another.....during their heydays one was an amateur boxer, another hunted deer while the other was a scratch golfer.....trying to cheer him up I enlightened him it was just indicative of how The Almighty is always in control of things and that these men were beaten at their own game.....when he enquired as to what I was trying to get at I quipped 'well, poor Jimmy was left with no option but to throw the towel in, Mick ended up bringing death upon himself because he plotted murdering wild life while (because he died in the early hours of a Saturday morning) He decided poor ol' Paddy wasn't going to even make the cut'!! One of my mates remarked that he once read one of my books and 'p*ssed himself'.....I quipped 'of course you p*ssed 'yourself''.....everybody does.....do you actually expect your wife to run to the toilet and p*ss for you while you continue to sit in the armchair reading on?'!! It always makes me laugh when people quote the phrase 'fight fire with fire'.....the reason being I wouldn't say firemen would tell you to even fight a chip pan that's ablaze with water and they really know what they are talking about.....I think people should offer good and proper advice to others by saying something along the lines of they should 'fight constipation with a bowl of prunes while reading a Stephen King novel' as that is more accurate!! A few years back I was walking home from the pub late at night when a drunkard with a wooden leg walked out in front of a car, got hit and the fake leg broke in two.....a passer-by said 'quick, get an ambulance'.....I quipped 'forget about an ambulance, ask Pinocchio to give you the number of his joiner instead'!! I know this bloke called Mick Nurse.....it wouldn't be that funny but for the fact that his wife, Randi, dresses up in blue and white uniforms and wants sex like a b*stard on her nights off!! There's an Oriental guy in my local take-away called Mao Yang.....while speaking with him one day I enquired if his brother, Out The Ying, was asked about how many Chinks there are in Beijing!! A lady once said to me that I had a great kind of ego to which I humorously replied 'I'm so awake I make caffeine look like Zimovane sleeping medication'!! A guy I once knew remarked that he felt I had an amazing memory.....I quipped 'I remember so much I make floppy discs look like they have amnesia'!! While a British guy commented to me one day that I was a typical Irishman.....I responded 'I'm so Irish I make leprechauns look like they are not part of the Emerald Isle's indigenous population'!! One of my sisters noticed that I love to drink a lot of tea and said 'GOD, you really love your cuppa, don't you??'.....I responded 'I drink so much tea I make alcoholics look like alcohol-totalers'!! I joined a dating website a while back and in order to impress any potential interest from an attractive older blonde (as they float my boat like nothing else!!) I decided to put the following ad up on my profile.....I think it's quite funny!! .....I'm so wild I'd make a psychotic Cocker Spaniel on speed running through fire-coals look refined....attractive yet poor-spirited but confident older blondes with blue eyes drive me so wild I'd make the wilderness look tame!! I'm a sufferer of schizophrenia and part of the disability is that I have a disorder but my doctor said to me that I am so intelligent I can order my thoughts well above the average for someone with this difficulty.....I informed him 'I order so much disorder when I empty the contents of a tin of alphabet spaghetti on to the plate it spells out the heating instructions on the can's wrapper without me even having to touch it with a fork'!! Glasgow Celtic.....Doncaster Rovers.....and what gay bashers back in the Seventies didn't like.....aw yeah, Park Stranger Queens play in blue and white hoops....think of the primary colours!! Benylin.....Codinex.....and Blankety Blank.....aw yeah, Terry Wogan wears a non-drowsy syrup!! Clogs.....windmills.....and a foolish person telling you in no uncertain terms you're a muppet.....aw yeah, Frank Simpleton played in Holland!! Leaving a doner lying in the corner for months.....leaving a shish lying in the corner for months also.....and multi-tasking.....aw yeah, women have hairy kebabs!! A father passing on schizophrenia to his son.....giving him asthma too.....and having sex with your lady before and after she's shaved her f*nny.....aw yeah, 'what's in the cat goes into the kitten'!! It always make me laugh when I hear people say 'it would freeze the balls off a brass monkey' to describe the cold weather they are experiencing as when I visited the north of Scotland during a January one time it would even have frozen the balls off a gold-plated King Kong sunbathing in the Sahara.....or what about the hostility shown towards Dr. Conrad Murray after his conviction for the involuntary manslaughter of Michael Jackson (Lord rest him) being so cold it would have frozen the balls off Bubbles roasting his 'nuts' on an open fire approaching Christmas in the Australian Outback!! The joke used to go that a guy was so lazy if work was in bed he'd sleep on the floor.....well going along similar lines I once knew a bloke who was so dirty if Georgia Salpa was in his shower he'd rather feel his way around Finglas dump!! I sent a parcel off in the post which I was told would go through a 'mail room'.....I thought 'the gentlemen's toilet in my local bar is a 'male room' also but I wouldn't say the parcel delivery company DHL stands for 'Draining His Lizard''!! If a uni-cyclist describes somebody who is heterosexual and a bi-cyclist describes someone who is bi-sexual, let me tell you there's a bloke I know who could be described as being a tri-cyclist.....yeah, not only does he ride men and women but because he picks his nose and eats it he's obviously 'f*cking gross' too!! On texting a friend of mine to ask him what he was exercising at in order to keep himself fit he replied 'pilates'.....I joshed with him that when Jesus Christ was sentenced to crucifixion it was on Pontius 'Pilates'' instructions also.....but although doing the exercises can be a little stressful I'm sure The Lord went through a lot more bearing a wooden cross and the sins of mankind aswell!!