A Gift from God

Help Me Father for I am Lost My fall semester officially began and my father agreed to let me work Monday through Thursday, but I had to put in ten hours of reading and studying O&G journals over my three days off. I replied, “Why not. I have nothing else to do. I have no more friends to be with anyway.” On my days off, I would sit and play music with my grandparents and I developed a liking for chamber music because it reflected the dark, loneliness and sadness I felt inside my heart. I would sit in my bedroom and play the violin for hours at a time, while hearing my grandparents discuss me in the background. They knew I was lonely and hurting, but admitted they didn’t know how to help me through this personal struggle. I was in tears, out of control of my emotions and angry at the world that I no longer felt a part of. I was alone and couldn’t fit in socially with others my age. I blamed God, my Father for creating me and then leaving me alone to suffer. I asked my Heavenly Father, “Is this your will that your daughter suffer like Jesus?” My grandfather held me and prayed, “Lord Jesus, before you is my granddaughter who we believe was created in Heaven through your grace and delivered to earth by Archangel Michael. I ask that you lift my granddaughter’s burdens and heal her heart and mind and through your grace help her to find her way through these troubled times; Amen.” I thanked my grandfather for praying for me. He asked, “Did prayer help?” I replied, “I don’t know. I am still lonely and hurting, but prayer never hurts. Maybe the answer to my prayers is that I will become a healing physician and help others while I exist in social isolation and alone. I will wait and see if our prayer is answered.” I prayed to my Heavenly Father and prayed again and again, but I received no answer. Like my friends, my Heavenly Father apparently abandoned me too. I fell upon my knees in pain as tears ran down my face. I was crying when I prayed again, this time asking Jesus to send my guardian angel because I needed help and I cannot cope further in my quiet solitude. I sat through Saturday wondering if my prayers would ever be answered and my burden lifted. As I waited, I experienced more anger, rage and then self-pity. I looked in my mirror and I did not recognize the face looking back at me. I asked, “Who am I?” I dropped to my knees again and I prayed, “Lord God, my Father, please hear my prayer. I am your creation. You sent Archangel Michael to deliver me to my parents to help fill their loneliness and now I am in need of help too. I too am alone and angry for I am lost in a place I do not understand or cannot remain. Within my heart and soul exists a raging battle and I am feeling nothing but sadness, emptiness and isolation. I am a prisoner in the body you created through your love and I have feelings and desires I cannot understand or satisfy. I no longer recognize who I am and I don’t know what to do, or where to turn except to you, my Heavenly Father. Please help me and guide me through this period of my life. Amen.” My body was shaking uncontrollably and I was in tears when I decided to grab my laptop computer and sit outside amidst the colorful deciduous and evergreen trees. I stopped crying and I marveled at my Father’s handiwork and remembered that I too was a product of God’s handiwork. The day was warm and the air was still. The leaves on the deciduous tree I sat under were motionless and hung like ornaments on a Christmas tree. I watched and waited for another leaf to fall, but the remaining leaves were securely attached and provided me shade and cover on this warm day. I wore shorts for the first time this year and my new medical center polo shirt. I sat alone and when I looked upon the ground I saw one red leaf lying amongst a pile of yellow and orange leaves. The red leaf represented me. It lay quietly on the ground; alone and separated from the orange and yellow leaves that filled the ground around me. I am different, just like the red leaf in contrast to the orange and yellow leaves. I do not belong any more in this life than the red leaf belongs to the yellow and orange leaves. The red leaf was alone, different and unwelcomed by the other leaves which is how I feel most of the time. I wondered, do I pick up the red leaf to rescue it from being overwhelmed by the rest of the dropping leaves; isolate it and protect it; or is it better to push the red leaf into the diverse pile of leaves showing that the little red leaf can fit in with the others. I then realized and accepted that I can’t fit in with friends. I had no friends left. Like the red leaf, I am alone, and I am different from all the others I once knew and cared for as my friends. I decided to rescue the red leaf from its isolation and obscurity and I carefully mounted it in my study. I would look at the red leaf daily, hoping that it will turn color just enough to fit in and I could return it; But what of me? Where do I belong? How or where do I fit in? How do I communicate with others outside of my isolation when they have ears, but do not hear my cries for help? Should I exist alone, or should I change who I am to be like my former friends? Is my isolation and solitude a result of my inability to accept love or friendship from a boy? Am I to conform or remain isolated? Would I like me if I conformed and became someone I should not become? I am lost and pray my Heavenly Father picks me up and protects me as I have protected the little red leaf. I self-diagnosed acute depression that affected who I am. I was becoming a nonperson, isolated by my learning ability and inability to relate to others at my age and education level. I wondered, Am I arrogant? Astute or just unwelcomed like the little red leaf lying so quietly beneath the tree. I wondered if the tree discarded the red leaf like my friends discarded me as a friend. I walked out to the mailbox, just to walk. When I arrived, I screamed as loud as I could scream and I did so ten times and then thought of Jim and said, “I hope you are happy now.” I teared up and realized that I was angry with the world. I felt no love and I wasn’t old enough to be in love, much less date a boy or engage in inappropriate games. But then again, am I the red leaf? I am an outsider because I haven’t caved into peer pressure and found a boyfriend. I have no time for a boyfriend and it would be cruel to even consider such a relationship with the demands upon my life. I cannot accept who I am becoming; however, I cannot accept who my former friends have become either. I am lost and cannot recognize who I am, or who I should become. before my Father’s creation and I prayed again and asked my Heavenly Father to take my burden now. I told my Father that I could go no further in life unless I was shown the way and my sadness was lifted. I cried out, “Help me Father! Please hear and answer my prayers. I am lost and don’t know who I am anymore.” I looked up and a sudden gust of wind moved the remaining leaves on my deciduous tree and I felt the sunlight shine upon my face through the leafy tree. I am not sure how or why, but I felt an immediate sense of relief as if my burdens were lifted and my prayers were answered. I remember my grandfather saying, “Put your troubles at the foot of the cross.” For me, my Father in Heaven created me; the trees and grass; in fact everything I could see. I didn’t need the cross. My Father in Heaven lifted my burden and healed my heart in a simple moment of me trusting in him and allowing him to take my burden. As I knelt before my Father, I am certain, without any hesitation, that I heard my Heavenly Father say, “Go my child as I will be with you always.”